So its been awhile since i've posted on here. its not really an indicator one way or the other as to whether or not i'm doing better. i think overall i'm sort of doing better socially to a small degree, it is easier for me to talk to people and i don't feel as weird or obsessive about the conversations i had as i did. but i'm still not better. lately it has gotten pretty bad again, i think about suicide several times a day and while simply thinking about it is a ways away from actually doing it, it is disturbing nonetheless. really the reason i'm thinking that is i keep trying to come to the conclusion that i am never going to be happy, i am never going to find a woman who is willing to stand a relationship with me, and that i should just kill myself now before...something happens. its so annoying. sitting here writing this, i realize that i want to kill myself because i think it will never happen, but i don't know that and sitting there thinking about it is actively preventing it from happening. maybe i'm just so scared to open myself up to another person like that that i create these horrible fantasies where i am dead and thus incapable of having a relationship. if you don't want to live its hard to find somebody who wants to live with you. i'm also having a hard time paying attention in classes, or remembering things. i'm not stupid, all things considered i am an intelligent person yet remembering things said by other people, days, weeks, the time, even what is going on around me can sometime seem like an impossibility. something a friend says 4 days ago will feel like an eternity. it literally is as if three days ago was a year ago in my mind, that day is not a clear memory it is a haze of colors and events which don't make alot of sense. other things i remember perfectly, and they don't go away. actions i did or had done too me, things said or not said. its sporadic and random at times, and specifically focused at others. one particular example of that is with this girl who i really like. i don't know if i ever mentioned her before in my past posts, but everytime she even IM's me, my heart goes apeshit and my mind seizes. its an incredible feeling, and at first it was amazing. but i do not let myself get taken over by emotion so easily, the amazing feeling as quickly doused with the knowledge that she apparently has no interest in me. i've helped her move from one apartment to another, i've given her help with her computer and i try to be cheerful and polite. now, that is, in the fall of '07 i was a real mess, and she bore the brunt of it. there were times where just riding along in the car, i would hear a song on the radio and burst into tears. even if i didn't particularly like or care about the song. i'm not even really sure what i want. i opened myself up to her, very slightly, and i didn't really get anything in return. even now, if she wants anything i feel compelled to do it. its very hard to say no. i find it almost incapable of standing for myself as i am so scared of them being angry and adding to my misery. i don't see myself as having anything special or worth having. i would love to say that i just want somebody to care about me, to show me that with more than words, to take an active interest in my life and what it is i like to do. but maybe that is unfair. i am sinking again. i climbing out of the hole for a little while but i'm sinking again. i've been on and off medication so many times, i can't believe i'm considering taking it again. its so odd, i go from this mode. all depressed and hating on myself, to industrious and bull headed. i reach a low, don't like the low, decide to get out. reach a high point, realize that i am still depressed, and sink back down into the low. maybe i need to find a woman who has suffered through or is suffering from depression. maybe i just need to find somebody who understands how ridiculous yet painful this is. but can two depressed people combine to make a content couple? and what about sex? i'm 22 and a virgin. i can't walk into a room with a woman and not become aroused. i feel like shit for just wanting that though. i definitely want to have sex but my mind is so shattered and confused that i am going to need some help sorting out the pieces. so what are you supposed to do? supposed to just stop complaining and go out, get drunk, act stupid and make "friends" that way like everybody else? can't i just go to the movies, or find an actual friend who is willing to do what i want to do? i realize this is a tall order, by the time you are my age most people already have deep friendships with people and including somebody else in as a good friend is nigh on impossible, and i am not about to try and wedge myself between people. i can't just open up to people i know. i have to know them first. a coworker asked me what it is i want to be when i grow up (effectively asking what my major was), and the only thing i could think of was that I want to be happy, and i truly meant it. i don't have any real dreams of financial success, i don't even really have a career in mind. i just want to meet somebody who can live with me and who i can live with. if we can live together, then i will be happy doing nearly anything.