The mess inside my head

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cayzira, Oct 10, 2007.

  1. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    3 years ago I made my first attempt, I used painkillers, I landed myself in hospital and was "saved" I met with CAMHS and they talked to me. I told them it was a stupid mistake, after a few sessions they bought it, and let me go.

    I continued to self harm for another 2 years, I became more and more serious and I got myself further and further in to depression, I stopped sleeping, because I knew it would **** with my head, and make me more lightly to do something.

    I OD'd again, much worse than last time, alot more pills, the police got me in the end (Long story) and I was taken back to a hospital, I was there for 9 days, mainly because they didn't know what else to do with me. I met with CAMHS nearly everyday, and eventually they decided to move me to a psychiatric hospital in Colwyn bay.

    It was a 5 day unit, so I still got my weekends, that was bad, the cutting continued to worsen, I started taking non-lethal overdoes on a regular basis. After one very bad weekend, where I took way too many of my anti-psychotics and cut badly I once again wound up in the general ward Colwyn bay decided that theye'd had enouth of me, and I was sent to a 7 day unit in Cheadle.

    I was detained on "Parental Consent" via the children's act of 1989. The first 3 months were bad, full of cutting at every opportunity, and refusing to sleep. they decided I was depressed, and put me on anti depressants, witch I decided to "stash" They tried me on sleeping pills, but soon stopped that, when they realized I was using them to sleep during the day.

    Towards the end of the last month though, a new girl came to the ward, Alex. She was a nice, we got on well, she helped me alot.

    We were friend for about 3 mounths, in that time we made plans to run away, the night before I left for my "leave" (It was my second batch of leave) I was able to tell her how I felt about her, she felt the same way, it meant alot.

    I ran from my leave as planned, and she tried to run from her access, but she was caught straight away, unable to leave her, I stayed in the area, and was caught by police 2 days later. I was dragged back to the ward and placed on a 1 to 1 again.

    The 1 to 1 lasted 3 weeks, and in that time I wasn't even allowed to see Alex, I was given liquid meds, so that I had to take them, and they started me on Diazapam as an alternative to the Risperidone.

    when my 1 to 1 ended, I could see Alex again, see wasen't to good. She'd stopped eating again, and was cutting badly again. I was worried for her. Our plan to run had failed, and could only see one way out. I started ligaturing on a regular basis, each one was meant to kill me, but the obs alway found me passed out, and pulled the alarms. They started to physically check my neck every 10 minutes.

    This went on for nearly 2 months, then things changed, I still loved Alex, and I knew the only way I could get to be with her, would be to get better. I stopped ligaturing, and started taking my meds again. I started sleeping at night again, and spent all day with her. In effect she saved my life.

    I was discharged a month after I started to work on stuff. They send me back to Colwyn bay, but of the parental consent, I just discharged myself.

    I'm still with CAMHS and still on the antidepressants, I still cut sometimes, and I still burn nearly every day. Every Saturday I go to see Alex (She has 4 days leave a week now!) It's a long journey, but she's all that matters to me. It's the Saturdays that keep me alive.

    But things are getting bad again, I'm worried about Alex, she still talks to Lucy, and I'm not sure exactly what Lucy is? Could it true, is she from another world Or is it psychosis, or autism like the doctors think? I'm not sure it matters, all that matters is the effect she has on Alex, I don't want her to die, and I know she doesn't want to, but Lucy dose her too, and that scares me.

    On top of that things aren't going to well at home. I argue with my Dad alot, he saw me getting restrained a few times at Cheadle, and I think it scared him. We don't get on well. but then we never did.

    I don't see my Mum much anymore, I just can't. The social anxiety is practically gone, but I still find it hard to step out the door if I don't have to. Going to see Alex, thats worth it, so is going to College, but going to Mums? It's hard. I can do it, but its never easy, a few beers can make it easier, but I know that I'm already on the path to becoming dependent on Alcohol.

    I torn with what to do with my life. The only thing thats kept me alive is knowing Alex, but now I can only see her once a week, and I'm very worried about her. I've been seriously considering leaving college and going to live in Anglesea, even if I did have to live on the streets (Well road side, there don't have too many streets there) it would be worth it, because right now I still have many thoughts of killing myself, most of them without any reason, (witch I guess is down to the depression) and the only time they ever go away is when I'm with her.

    I know that everyone says I should get some qualifications before I go and make a life, and have a backup plan in case things don't work out with her. But I can't do that. I'm worried about her in the meantime and I'm worried about what I'll do. I was gonna OD again tonight, a lot of Alcohol and cutting eventually calmed me down, and then I phoned Alex and she made me feel much better. But what about when the cutting and drinking down work no more? What If I did something without talking to her? I can't carry on like this? I have to be with her because the only time I feel ok is when I'm with her, I dont care about anything else anmore. She's the only reason I'm alive. People tell me it work work out, if It dosen't I'll proably ended up dieing anyway, I should atleast try. I really do love her.

    I don't know what to do. My heads messed up, I'm so confused, I lover her, but I want to die, but she makes me not want to. But I still do. I can't carry on like this, something has to change.