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The Month Of December

I used t o love it when December came around. Christmas, the holiday spirit. Friends and family. Only now I just want to dissappear this month. Nothing is the same. My family has changed and pretty much went their own way after my Granddaddy passed on 12-11-03.

Last year was also a hard Christmas. One of my friends I considered a part of my world. Like a sister to me. Passed away on 12-22-05. She had just tuned 20 a few days before. I was at a Christmas gathering with family that day when I got the call. It was also my brothers birthday, he is best friends with her brother. Lisa passed away in a car accident. Not far from home. There were rumors that she took her own life, but thats not evident enough to convince me. We had our talks about suicide, but I know she would have never done that. A few days before she died I told her I had a song to show her (she intoduced me to Sensel Fail years back) The song is called "The Ground Folds". I never got to show her. But now everytime I hear that song she is all I think about. The lyrics are what get me considering what happened. I was dead to the world for a while after that, needless to say, there was no Christmas for me. A month before Lisa died my uncle died from a car accident. Just miles from where Lisa died. She was there for me at his funeral. And just the thought of me having to bury one of my best friends makes me sick to my stomach. Her family asked me to be one of the paul barriers. The funeral was such a blurr, for some reason I cant remember much of it. And I still find myself waking up after having a dream about her and having to remind myself that she is no longer there. Lisa helped me out a lot, we had so many goodtimes that will stay with me forever. When its over, its over. I hate how fast someone can just be gone forever just like that. I just really need to talk about this since its almost been a year, which is unbelievable to me. I also wanted to share with you the lyrics to the song that I told Lisa I wanted to share with her. . .

"The Ground Folds (Acoustic)"

Just throw it back, for one more night
On a starlit and moon-struck night.
The ground did fold and eat us both
But all my love, I did devote.

Beneath the rafters the angels sing
Spinning violence and playing with my heart.

(This song) I wrote, for you to see.
And my heart it now breaks
And the blood spilled down your spine

Lost inside another crash
The bones I had, turned into ash.
The world did cry, the night you died
And I am no good at suicide.

Beneath the rafters the angels sing
Spinning violence and playing with my heart.

(This song) I wrote, for you to see.
And my heart it now breaks
And the blood spilled down your spine

And I lost what was mine, and I want what was mine. [x2]

My heart now it always breaks, the blood did drip and I did take, (And I lost...)
another wish, another kiss, no more will for me to kill. (...what was mine)
We'd run away in our dismay, but please, come back to me. (I want...)​

The last thing that Lisa told me was that she loved me. That means more than I could say. It just feels like yesterday still. I have devolped a fear that I cant get rid of. I just wait and wonder who is next. Because there has been so many people that I know that have been killed in a car accident around here. In July 05, my moms best friend died in a car accident as well. As did my cousin - 16. Lisa also went to another funeral of someone that we once knew in 2002. Blake died when he was only 11 from a car accident that happened on the curve past my house. It seems like now that every time I get into my car I wonder what could happen. I drive as cautious as I can. But I know that doesnt mean anything anymore. Everyone that has died, all we're involved in single car accidents. Lisa went down an embankment and struck a tree. I try avoiding going that way, I just alway imagine her car still there. Alot of is still there, they left it there. Everywhere.
Thanks for listening I really just needed to let all this out because its on my mind and it bothers me. I dont know how to cope with this and everything else anymore.


Antiquitie's Friend
I am glad that you shared. It helps you to pour out and me to see it would hurt others if I die. Please know that it is normal to have that fear and that it is your brains way of helping you to be careful. I cannot tell you ways to feel better, for I struggle too. But, talking to Lisa may help you. I talk to my mom, dad and grandfathers.
Your grief is strong, seeking a personal counselor or spiritual leader may help.
That song is indeed strong. Again, I am glad you are here.

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