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The more I try and help, the worse I am

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I'm almost 21 and have been depressed for the past 7 years. Suffering from numerous medical conditions have resulted in incessant bullying, and I've gradually spiraled downwards. I've lived through so many things that nobody should have to go through and although I'm determined to soldier on through it, I find it so difficult to hold on sometimes.
My mama is an alcoholic, and after leaving my younger brother and I with no money or food, I got a high-stress level job to sail us through financially, spending 7 hours at college, then another 5 at work everyday and spending whatever time I had to myself sat by the phone waiting for the phone call that said she'd wrapped her car around a pole. Lucky it never came, but I couldn't ever relax. Even now I find unwinding at the end of the day incredibly hard, often not sleeping until 6am. I've spent 7 years trying to fix her life and letting mine just fall behind.
I was often unresponsive in classes and distant from people, until one day when I had a depressive episode and had to be carried down to the councilor. After I asked my mama for help last July, she kicked me out of the house and left me to be homeless. Luckily I fell on charity, that I hate living on, and although I now have a home, I have no emotional outlet because I have no privacy. It all just builds up and I end up terrifying myself because I know what I'm capable of. I'm scared when I drink that I'll end up like my mama and when I told her I had depression, she took herself to our shared GP and claimed to have depression. She's now on medication, and I feel like that's now not an option for me. I don't have anyone who understands how hard it is to live with all the memories I have (she claimed my dad touched me inappropriately when I was young, which is completely untrue, but separated us by 400 miles for years) and I often find it completely impossible to close my eyes at night for fear of remembering all the terrible things that I've experienced.
I saw a youtube video yesterday of people throwing themselves off Golden Gate Bridge and although I have such dreadful feelings of hopelessness a lot of the time, I'm determined to be 'The Catcher in the Rye' and catch everybody as they start to go over.
However the more I try to help others, and therefore save myself, the more triggers I find that make it so hard. I want to sit with you in coffee shops and show you how beautiful you all are, and how much somebody cares, but I can't and the helplessness is making me even more depressed.
I have no job or social life to occupy my time, I'm separated from my entire family, and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so tiring proving I'm strong, I have no idea who I'm trying to prove it to anymore.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun all you need to do right now is look after YOU okay You have done enough looking after everyone else. Call your doctor okay get on meds to help decrease the sadness it works get therapy to help you deal with the past.
You look after you now hun spend what little energy you have on YOU because you are worth it you are special and you deserve compassion Please call your doctor and start healing you now YOur mother she has to do that for herself hugs to you


o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
Hi Ladyoftherats, I don't know anything anymore. And I've only been here a short time, just a bit longer than you, and all I do know is that Total Eclipse gives some of the very best advice around these parts, so I hope you can take it to heart. Peace, MisterBGone.
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