The most corrosive acid...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ghetofabgurl89, Dec 9, 2008.

  1. is so very slow to finish it's job in the heart.

    That's right, I'm talking about pain.

    Inescapable, it eats away at the very foundation of my soul.

    At the same time I feel so far away from it.

    It's been three months. If I was more mature I would have been over this by now. Sure, it may not be fair, but life does not chisel out into the ideal. It never has.

    So...since it's pointless to wallow in this cesspool of self loathing and regret why DO I choose to wallow? It's not like God hasn't been with me every step of the way. As much as I want to believe HE has abandoned me as well, he hasn't.

    THAT brings the most tears to my eyes...

    It would be just that much easier for me to accept if God left me on the wayside as well. Part of me wishes that HE would.

    I miss the way things used to be with the most remorseful bitterness...

    That's the intensity of my lament. I find myself entertaining malevolent thoughts not my own.

    What hurts the most, however, is that I've changed. I'm not so dependent anymore. My spirit has grown past the trivial insecurities it used to dote on. Yet and still, my heart continues to burn. With each passing wave a little more of me is washed away.

    How much longer will I last?
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Pain is not inescapable.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. If you're not over it, you're not. It's ok to not be over it :hug:

    So very true. I'm glad you recognize that. He is not just with you through it all, but he absolutely loves you through it all, and He only wills for you to be happy. I've sworn to God so many times. I've tried to deny Him but it's impossible because His love sustains us. I've wished so many times he be gone because it seems that he causes my pain but it is me that creates pain. I know how you feel :hug:

    Well that's good to be independent. I think that is the goal for everyone at some point. But it doesn't mean you don't need someone to be with you through this right now. Through this pain. Be it God you call out to, someone here at this forum, a friend, a family member. You need someone to be with you to help you become aware of the source of your pain, to give you support when you begin to catch glimpses of happiness. I've caught glimpses of it recently. Just glimpses. And it is fucking scary. I am scared to death of happiness. I know that I cannot do it alone. I use SF, I have a therapist. Those are my only two supports unfortunately my family is not supportive at all. I hope that you have someone who can be with you in this pain. And if it is God who you choose to call on, know that nothing is impossible with Him. His love for you is total, complete, neverending, changeless, completely reliable.

    Sorry I went on so long
    love youz