is so very slow to finish it's job in the heart. That's right, I'm talking about pain. Inescapable, it eats away at the very foundation of my soul. At the same time I feel so far away from it. It's been three months. If I was more mature I would have been over this by now. Sure, it may not be fair, but life does not chisel out into the ideal. It never has. So...since it's pointless to wallow in this cesspool of self loathing and regret why DO I choose to wallow? It's not like God hasn't been with me every step of the way. As much as I want to believe HE has abandoned me as well, he hasn't. THAT brings the most tears to my eyes... It would be just that much easier for me to accept if God left me on the wayside as well. Part of me wishes that HE would. I miss the way things used to be with the most remorseful bitterness... That's the intensity of my lament. I find myself entertaining malevolent thoughts not my own. What hurts the most, however, is that I've changed. I'm not so dependent anymore. My spirit has grown past the trivial insecurities it used to dote on. Yet and still, my heart continues to burn. With each passing wave a little more of me is washed away. How much longer will I last?