"The most pleasurable thing in life is being certain you are loved"?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Celeste, Oct 6, 2007.

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  1. Celeste

    Celeste New Member

    Um hi. I'm not really an expert on starting threads like this (well, I wouldn't be because i have never done this before and it only just occurred to me that there was a forum for such people as we, since i typed "suicide" into Google and it took me here.) I also apologise in advance if you don't think this sounds very emotional in terms of what i should be expressing or what you might have believed to have felt from this post. It's very different from something I would normally do - post on a forum about such a personal, confusing matter - because I'm a rather reserved and quiet person, except when it comes to writing. English is my favourite subject because i'm an escapist in the sense that I want to be somewhere else and want to live another life (a different one.) So this might seem a little formal for someone who says they are depressed (even if you later thing it is for no reason.)

    I'm fifteen. I've been in an online relationship for two years now with the same guy. He's nineteen and attends a good university - the age gap isn't really a problem to us. Apart from the age difference, to you, this might seem quite normal, except he lives in Australia (GMT +9). Oh, and I live in London (GMT). This isn't really the problem though, and I don't know how to put it so i'll try to be as clear as I can. He is a very sweet person and I know he loves me because he shows it every day (he has basically changed his sleeping patterns for me because he's crazy and he loves me and we miss each other and he can, so he does.) I am touched immensely by this and it makes me want to cry (and I do, even when he's with me, shamefully - he just doesn't always know) because he is just too nice and I worry about him and i'm only fifteen and it makes me feel so old. It isn't that I don't want to see him and it isn't that I don't want to be loved or to love (because most people would argue that's the most pleasurable thing in life - to know you are loved) but I feel so guilty for stealing his time because I don't think very highly of myself and I think it's foolish of him to make such an effort for me and I am certainly depressed. We have discussed this three or four times but it didn't really get anywhere - not because we argued but because there isn't really much of a solution at hand.

    The minute I felt i was being drawn to depression till just about five months ago, i kept it to myself and didn't tell anyone or show it to anyone (that means not even to him.) It is my fault that my heart aches so much because i probably shouldn't've kept it to myself at all, and i shouldn't have let it live inside me, taking me lower and lower every day. I just didn't know what else to do, and i thought it would go away and i was embarrassed to tell him. I don't know why i was embarrassed to tell him; this also led to the state i am in now because i feel guilty. It's not that i thought he would love me any less, i guess, it's just that i didn't know what he would think of me and i didn't want to break his heart because i already had once (i tried to get out of the relationship foolishly because it was hurting too much even though it just hurt more afterwards. We broke up for about a week even though we kept on talking and he kept on telling me he loved me.) I guess i just don't love him much, which is frightening because i think i love him a lot, but then i still have suicidal thoughts but he should be worth living for and he is, he is amazing, i love him. But the pain is sometimes so intense that apart from the crying i have to bite my finger until my finger hurts more than my heart. It takes a while and i end up with a mark that has to be covered for a couple of days. In fact when I first told William i was depressed and hurting lots (i never told him i cried every night) he asked if he was worth living for and i broke down in tears because i wanted to say "yes" but obviously if i am still thinking of ending my life there is something more. He never knew about this and he still doesn't. Sometimes when i am talking to him and i feel i'm about to cry, i try to hold the tears in and tilt my head back till my eyes sting and i can't help but to blink. By the way i'm sorry if this seems a bit muddled but i can't help it.

    Another thing adding to the guilt and utter shame was that I could speak more freely to online friends than i could to him. Jamey, an online friend to both of us, was someone I told about my depression a week or two before I told William. This was quite disturbing to me because I didn't really know Jamey that well yet I found I could talk quite freely. He is a thoughtful person though and he is a sufferer of depression but unlike me, he seems to have a reason, which I won't say in respect of him. After finding that I could speak freely to Jamey about my problems, he explained that it was possible because I didn't really know him that well and "i don't care about him," because i don't love him. He also said that I'm not worried about what he thinks about me which is true I guess. I don't know. When I told William i had spoken to Jamey about my problem before, part of his response was: "Why couldn't you speak to me about it though? That's what i'm here for but i'm not angry or anything." The effect that this had on me was that I felt extremely bad and I honestly didn't/don't know why I can't speak to him freely. And he is so kind he wouldn't get angry at me - i'd probably be quite distressed but maybe he is hiding it too? Does anyone know why apart from the explanation that Jamey gave? I don't know why. It's not because I don't think he will love me as much, and it's not because i think he will think badly of me. I guess I just don't want to worry him or upset him or anything.

    He really is a forgiving person because there is something else i feel horribly regretful over. When i first spoke to him I lied about my age (i lied about it to everyone, so i said i was 15 instead of 13. He was 17, going on 18.) This probably made it more likely for him to fall for me, because of the closer age range. I don't know. I also lied about my name because i lied about it to everyone else online, too. It was just for safety or something, i don't know. My sister told me to. I was fine with this until we started loving each other and i still never told him the truth about my name and age. When I told him, it didn't really make a difference to him. I was so relieved. But the guilt stayed even till now, even though he said he didn't mind and that i was forgiven and that i was silly to worry over something like that. But then it made me feel worse and worse still. I just can't believe I did that to him.

    Since I was and am unhappy, i began to think about it more. Why was I unhappy when I know someone loves me so much? Is it just because i miss him? Because i do miss him, so much. I cry for him and i find it hard to get up and go to school in the morning because i feel sick because i miss him so much, and i feel so guilty and i don't think i can bear it any more. I told him that missing him was contributing to my depression to he tried to stay up for longer hours but this depressed me too because i felt bad. And i know he is often tired. I can't help being saddened and confused. He told me it hurt him to hear about me hurting so i hurt even more xD It just never stops so i only see one way out. Then i began to realise i was upsetting him by being upset which was not what i wanted to do. I wanted to do the opposite - that's why i tried so desperately hard to hide it from him (obviously for no good reason at all..) This made it worse because I found I couldn't even be happy every day for him and I actually couldn't manage a day without crying while talking to him (again, he never/doesn't know this.) And I wish I could make him happy. He tells me I do but I don't feel it. I don't blame him or anything because I think it's my fault. I wish I could be happy just knowing that he loves me so much. I am here for him but I doubt he is very happy with me; he could probably be happier with someone else. I just wish myself away.

    I feel disgusted with myself because I sometimes thought how different it would be (sometimes in a good way) if he didn't love me, or if we never even met. The thing is that i want him to love me. Am i rambling on too much? I'm sorry. x.x I have probably said all this twice over already. I feel hopeless, and pitiful, and horrible. I asked him if he would prefer to love someone else who wasn't depressed all the time or something, and he said no. I felt worse.

    So now I am me, and it is somewhat normal for this to happen. And it is normal for me to break down in tears. I'm kind of tired now and i don't recall much of what i've said or haven't said. I might edit it later or something. You can ask questions, but i'd like to ask one: what do you think i should be feeling and do you think it's unnecessary or what? How do you think I can get it away, because all that's been in my mind is methods of suicide and how i could do it, and what the consequences would be if it failed. Can someone please suggest what I should do? And can someone tell me why i am continually feeling so depressed? It's making me feel very weak (i think i can actually feel something is wrong with my heart physically. And i have to inflict pain somewhere else so that the pain in my chest isn't so bad.)

    By the way, William asked me to see a doctor for him but I have a fear of doctors and I don't know how i could start a conversation because i don't know my GP (doctor) very well. And yeah.. He asked me if i could do that for him, and I couldn't.

    Thank you. Sorry for taking so much of your time, to those who bothered to read <3
     
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey Celeste, I can relate a little to where you're coming from. A few years ago when I was fifteen also I fell in love with a girl, much older than myself, that I met online. She also suffered from depression and found it very difficult to appreciate herself enough to believe that she could be truly loved. When talking to her, seeing that was very painful for me because she was a wonderful person and the only person that was not seeing that was her. She was so caught up in what she believed the reality was, what other people must think of her, what I must think of her and how I was doing myself a deservice by continuing to speak to her that she was blind to all the wonderful things about her that drew me to her in the first place.
    The thing is Celeste, he loves you. He cares about you despite all the things that might make you think otherwise. Maybe you should take a step back and look at everything in your life right now and figure out what it is you don't like, what is it that's making you feel this way, if it's more than just feeling unworthy of your boyfriend. Never sell yourself short or beat yourself up, there isn't anything wrong with you or with you being loved. If he loves you it's not without reason, he sees something in you that makes him feel that way. I know I missed some of the points you made there but I hope it helps some.
     
  3. Celeste

    Celeste New Member

    Thank you for the thoughtful response ;p I really have no idea why I am feeling this way and I can't find any real "reason" apart from that i'm just silly and all that. And i'm quite sure it is just feeling unworthy and useless to my boyfriend because i can't think of anything else. Ironically I believe that the only reason I am still here is for him, but I can't even do that right ;p The physical pain is almost unbearable, sometimes i think there is an actual medical condition.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't worry too much about lying to him, your intention seem sincere. We all think of lying when we don't have good views of ourselves yet want to impress and seem normal to those important to us.

    He certainly cares about you very much.

    You know, it seems like your mind is all over the place which in turn is contributing to your depression. You need to ask yourself some core questions like: How much do you care for him, what do you want out of being with him, should you both wait some time before truly commiting to eachother.

    Also it seems like your having doubts about being with him cuz of the distance and time zone.

    Long distant connections are hard to maintain and commit to. So you really want to be sure and also do whats best for you. I'm sure he would be very understanding and open minded.
     
  5. Celeste

    Celeste New Member

    heh.. thanks. it's very hard :/ because i know i care for him a lot and we are committed (i promise you.)
     
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