The Mothman

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Sep 14, 2010.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    The actual Mothman was a supposed creature that was seen in West Virginia by people in the 60's. But in actuality there a many who exist today. So many people even on this board that feel like they dont even belong. As if their soul landed on the wrong world. I am one of them. A creature. With big red eyes, large wings and sharp teeth that everyone misunderstands. Well, not literally, but sometimes that how I feel in public. I try to stay in my cave as much as I can so I dont go out and scare the beautiful normal people. I have one of the worse types of social anxieties. Im prejudice against attractive people. Their advantages anger me. Give me anxiety attacks. They have so much that I can only dream of. I dream of just looking normal, or average. A simple trip to the store can be quite a nerve-racking adventure.

    Its interesting, our own human nature. I had a conversation with my sister the other day and she was complaining about moths that got into her house. Ive seen her scream hysterically when one flies around her head. I thought maybe she had a phobia with insects. But she doesnt. She adores butterlies and lady bugs and other asthetically gifted insects. I asked her why. She gave such a simple, brief, honest answer. Because theyre ugly. Fair enough. Its interesting though. How people can jump out of their skin when something like a moth touches them. They kill them. Spray them. Swat them away. But they spend their life chasing butterflies. To collect. And admire. So lucky, the butterfly. I know I complain about this alot. Like a child crying about not having toys. But its d*mn tough being ugly. I feel particularly suicidal today. I sympathize with the moth though. Were the same. Have alot of similarities. People kill us because of the way we look. Have to fly around a candle, just to be seen. Im afraid of the dark too.

    I was born in the wrong world. Its hard living like this. Having no chance at something that is essential as love. Possibily a family. Just waking up with someone next to you to face the world with each day. People treat me like I have a flesh eating disease. Complete strangers. I dont think anyone can really truly be happy in life if they cant love their own self. To have self esteem. A sence of worth or value. To be admired or loved. God I wish I knew what that felt like. To not have to look at every reflection of myself in disgust. I may just about hate every single thing about myself. I feel like God's very bad experiment. I think im here because I have to balance out God's world. I guess thats value of sorts. Im important too. Im the distinction between Good and bad. Beauty and ugliness. Day and night. Happy and sad. There can be no butterflies, if there are no moths. Its why you all look at me that way. Im what turns your stomach. Depending on the person you react with humor, view me as grotesque or for the kindest of souls, just simply pity me. Pity me, and then call me your friend. Friend from afar. A very far. Cant be seen flying with the moth.

    Dont call me nice, or sweet. Stop telling me i write so well. Im not a good guy. And im not your friend. Im just a freak. Introducing the amazing unloveable man. We have something in common though. We both hate me. The thing I hate most is I have to sit and watch you. Its torment. Constant lifetime of torment. When you laugh, I cry. When your happy, im sad. They live all their dreams. I live out all of my worst nightmares. I have to watch them get married and have children. Go to parties and travel around the world. Graduate and celebrate. I have to sit through it all. Count all your friends. Watch all of you grow more beautiful, while I deform. What you succeed while I fail. Listen to your happy little stories. Then you ask me what I been up to. Oh ive been peachy. How can somethings go so right and somethings go so wrong.

    I cant imagine many people whose heart is as lonely as mine. Its like carrying a brick in your chest. To the point of watching people hold hands want to make me put a bullet in my head. I wonder whats that like. Having love squeeze your hand. Or hug you. Or dare I say a kiss. Thats the hardest part about this. Wanting something I will never have. Wanting to go to the moon but its too far. Wanting to be handsome. Wanting to love myself. Wanting to know what happiness feels like. Wanting a real life. A moth wanting to be a butterfly. Wanting to die, but no choice but to be alive. I have to sit through it all. Soak it in. Let it torment me. Every nightmare. Its everywhere. The pain. Follows you into your dreams. Deep into your conscious. The misery. I dont need this damn heart. I wanna throw it in the garbage. It cause me so much pain. Why would God give a heart to a beast. To something everyone would fear. To someone everyone would hate or pity. I guess thats my value. My worth. To be the example. Do you see me now. I shouldnt have come here. But I was created. I didnt ask to be here. The mothman. Im sorry. I cant change it. I cant go back. You dont have to kill me. Or squat me away. Please dont hate me. Why are you laughing. Im not so bad. Why cant I have a chance. I have a heart too. I have feelings. But asking you to love me would be to defy every fiber of your nature. To go against Gods design. I cant force anyone to love me. I dont think even think at this point I could force myself to love me. But if you did maybe Id have a chance you know. If God did maybe Id have a chance. :'( Look at me. Look at ME. You think there is a God out there that loves me? No... he loves you. This is your beautiful world. Your happy life. Where i dwell. Im just a prop. You feed off my misery. To make you feel so good about yourself. So lucky and blessed that God made you wonderfully. Normal. Lovable. Always give thanks. To our creator. When God said let there be light! You were born. And God said bring forth all the creeping things. I opened my eyes.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2010
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Multiple Man, you are beautiful, you know that, because God doesn't make ugly. We have to look past the surface to see the real person, everything else is just surface. But you can love and smile and reach out to others, because you are spirit, just like everyone else. You are only seeing the highlights of life, and the people on the red carpet, or the surface of things, there are some really ugly people who look glamorous on the outside. Personally, I'd rather be with a person like you as a friend that some of the shallow "beautiful people" I encounter. Don't let appearances deceive you. People can genuinely learn to love others when they get to know the real them. And, if it's all about superficial looks, then in the end that's not what I want. I want people who are real, loving and kind. That's what people worth getting to know want, and that's what I want.
  3. muleoftheeast

    muleoftheeast Member

    just reading that has made me love you. I can totally relate to what you're feeling, but unlike you I lack the literate ability to compose my emotions into such a touching post.

    I have never met you, but from reading this I know you are beautiful. Know that there are more people out there who feel the way that you do then there are of the "beautiful people". Its just we only notice the beautiful people, and fail to notice the others like us, but trust me, for every "beautiful" person you see, there are a hundred or more people out there like you and me that we fail to notice.

    Beauty is a subjective term. Some may associate it with aesthetic attraction, however most of us associate it with an attractive heart, mind and soul. Remember that.

    I think you should write a book, your literary style is quite frankly amazing. I would pay to read such a title.
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Muleoftheeast, that was well said. If Multiple Man were to write a book, I'll buy a copy right now. It will make an excellent book, since so many people probably share the same feeling in their lives, or at some point in their lives.

    I thought a lot about what you wrote, Multiple Man, and I have to say that true beauty is of the heart.
  5. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    Multiple Man, your post struck so incredibly close to home I wouldn't even know where to begin. It was like you were expressing the exact same things I feel all the time in a much more articulate way.

    I understand exactly how you feel though. It's hard to sit there and look at so many other people leading their happy lives where everything goes right for them, while we sit there and get nothing but the worst. The feeling of not being wanted or needed is just as bad. And when someone says they do want you in their life, they never talk to you or acknowledge you, and just keep you around so they can see someone who is worse off than them just so they can feel better about themselves.

    I can't really offer any advice right now, because if I had some, I'd be taking it myself. Flowingriver and Muleoftheeast were right when they said you had a knack for writing though.
  6. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    If i was a poet i couldn't write something that described alot of how i feel that well. You have a rather touching descriptive writing style.
    I couldn't offer no advice but judging by that i'd bet there are girls out there there would love to end up with someone like you. Not everyone is shallow.
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    God made everything flower. Ugliness. Beauty. Good. Evil. Light. Dark. I think he created everything from darkness. There was no mistake in that. I give God the glory and the blame. Your a very glass-half-full type of person. I hope you always continue to encourage people here. So many need that. While I may currently be unreasonably deaf to hope and encouragement, I can still recognize honesty and a good person. I know that judging people on the surface is shallow and some people of great inner substance can get by. I probably should have focused more on that inner stuff. But it was hard when people cant seem to get past the outer. And never know anything past what they can see. I know my world is very narrow. But what is true is ive only been taught how to hate myself. Ive really done myself a disservice.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2010
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Beautiful people are not the ones who bring changes to this world but people of character. Frankly, beautiful people who don't develop their hearts, are just ornaments.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey multiple man. Although you may believe that you're ugly, in actual reality, you're probably just an average looking guy (like me). Most of us are not GQ models and that's perfectly fine. You compare yourself to the mothman, because you believe that you're treated like a moth, but there are women out there who care about inner beauty as much as or even more than superficial looks. You just have to have confidence in yourself and you'll be fine, no matter how you look. God created all of us in his image. No one is a mistake, because everyone is different. :hug:
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