Hi new here. A little uncomfortable because I do not speak of this to anyone. I feel like there are so many less advantaged people in the world, so why can I not be happy with who I am. I have always had a strange premonition, subconsciously that I may take my life one day. It is a comforting thought when emotions and life become unbearable that I have that option. Life just never seems to go right for me, it is like I am incompatible with it. Allergic. I have always thought I was a good person, but maybe not because I cannot seem to have this magically happy complex free life. Problems seek me out. I cannot figure out if the premonitions or the strong magnetic force that encompasses me toward these thoughts stems from my personal problems or is just adjunct to them. I do not have a hx of depression, nor believe I am depressed, but it is something else...just unbearable. I have seperated from a terrible source of anxiety, an NPD spouse...but will still have to deal with their abuse for years because of children. I really do not have any close friends to help, although hope to maybe develop some in the future. I came across one by incidence who turned out not to be a good idea for a friend and that is thankfully over, although I felt burned in that my vulnerability at the time allowed a not so nice person to use me as a play around with/mind games friend. I am just unable to understand clearly when I am trully happy...or if it is a mask. I am just confused. Sorry if none of this made sense...I am still trying to figure it out.