The Motions

[Britknows]

Hi new here. A little uncomfortable because I do not speak of this to anyone. I feel like there are so many less advantaged people in the world, so why can I not be happy with who I am.
I have always had a strange premonition, subconsciously that I may take my life one day. It is a comforting thought when emotions and life become unbearable that I have that option.
Life just never seems to go right for me, it is like I am incompatible with it. Allergic. I have always thought I was a good person, but maybe not because I cannot seem to have this magically happy complex free life. Problems seek me out.
I cannot figure out if the premonitions or the strong magnetic force that encompasses me toward these thoughts stems from my personal problems or is just adjunct to them.
I do not have a hx of depression, nor believe I am depressed, but it is something else...just unbearable.
I have seperated from a terrible source of anxiety, an NPD spouse...but will still have to deal with their abuse for years because of children. I really do not have any close friends to help, although hope to maybe develop some in the future. I came across one by incidence who turned out not to be a good idea for a friend and that is thankfully over, although I felt burned in that my vulnerability at the time allowed a not so nice person to use me as a play around with/mind games friend.
I am just unable to understand clearly when I am trully happy...or if it is a mask. I am just confused.
Sorry if none of this made sense...I am still trying to figure it out.

 

[tweetypie]

I really dont know how to answer that for you. I d like to say hi tho and tell you that if u need to talk to someone there are many friendly people here. I really hope someone reads your post and can offer you some good advice !
take care xx :stars:

 

[may71]

hello and welcome!

having an unhappy life does not make you a bad person. I think often times the opposite is true.

I think that good people tend to be sensitive, so it's easy to get hurt. I think that bad people tend to seek out sensitive people to abuse, because they usually make easier targets. It's totally disgusting and wrong, but unfortunately, that's now some people work

if there is such a thing as karma, I think that it must take a while to catch up with you

 

[Britknows]

Thank you for your responses. I never feel depressed, but just terrible deep pain. No one ever really gets to know me, they just treat me like a tabloid. Something to assume. Someone that they never really try to become close to. It is wierd. I hopefully can open up some here gradually. Hard to read other posts....when u just want to ignore life. I feel like my life is not real. I am not real.

 

[Britknows]

It is strange and would love to know if anyone else feels the same as myself. I always hear from people she is so nice, she is like the greatest person, she is pretty, she is ugly, to she looks like a model. To she is not all that. She is materialistic...she is not nice...... people actually having the nerve of not knowing me and telling who I am like it is set in stone... just make an off the wall assumption. It is like really now...why does not one get to know me first and then make their opinions. I am human.
I feel like I orbit this life/world, life/world being friendships, people etc...and never actually connecting...just observing revolving...completely seperated.
It was not like this when I was younger in bigger city...had so many friends. My life has just turned out this way. I put on a great face of being happy. But inside is another story.
My feelings of suicide are not a current phenomena...just a "knowing" it will eventually happen. It is like I have always known. The song "You know You're Right by Kurt Cobain, his last song written before his death, comforts me beyond sanity.
This long feeling of doom...premonition...I cannot know there is a gun near, in a closet etc., or I get really scared...anxious...a magnetic draw...feeling, nagging thoughts to just grab it and get it over with. I have asked family without drawing suspicion to hide all the guns really well, because I am against them and they scare me, and do not want to know where they are kept.
Does anyone else relate to this at all? I was house sitting once and knew where guns where for personal protection and had to leave! I could not stay...the force...drawing was unbearable and I thought it was soooo strong that I would do it in my sleep. It is like I am not actively suicidal or talk about it to anyone ever...but just have always know it will come to it.
I do have a pre plan in case....a remote area..(so no possible intervention, in case a mistake leaves room for help)...a heart listening device...to pinpoint exact area of main heart location....marker for drawing it's location.....no mistake of too high...too low. Am I crazy?

 

[Britknows]

I also wanted to add that people will say and act like I am a fun great person but never allow me to enter their lives/circles...just use me superficially. They are so interested in me for this...
I am separated from my NPD husband, the strange thing is he knows nothing of my thought, would never trust him with them, but he used to say alot if I had just the littlest of problems..."aghh just go kill yourself,"..."go die,"...and this would cause immense inner pain because of my underlying thoughts.
I am in alot of pain....a pain that is different than depression, can there be a difference?
I have a therapist that put me on amphetamines day and Klonopin for night...I like these because they numb me....makes me feel like my jaw is tight and teeth numb...mind can think....and Klonopin will relax me at night so I can sleep. I went weeks prior to Klonopin with 2 hour rests for weeks. But the meds help me because I can be in control of taking them....like eating little...I feel they are the only things I can control in life..my life lines kind of...I know wierd! Right now writing this I am getting Deja Vu like I have written this before....this happens alot too.

 

[SashaJade]

:welcome:

I hope you find what you are looking for here

xx

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that your husband said such mean and insensitive things to you. I think that his own mental health problems may have been a factor in his behaving this way.