The never ending circle

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Mayal, Jan 29, 2009.

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  1. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    I am not sure why i am even posting this, since i sound so self pitying i make myself sick, but i just wish that for once, someone could solve my problems. That someone would come and say, heres a magic pill, now life can go back to normal for you.

    My father and brother sexually abused me, my father first and i have no memory of not being abused by him, and later my brother, who he brought into the fold at the age of six or seven i think. The strange thing is, i don't blame my brother as much as he was made the same way that i was made. But some of the worst rapes and beatings i took were from him. All through school i struggled with mental illness and what was going on at home, my mother was well aware of what was happening and was responsible for any physical punishment i was given, the beatings were all her, the punishment rapes all her, i was totally isolated from people, and even in school, no-one spoke to me or had any contact. I was lucky in one sense that i was not bullied, although this was more to do with the fact that almost everyone there was terrified of me, although i never raised a finger.

    I have been told over the years of the many mental disorders and behavioural disorders that cause the problems i had, you see, i never told a living soul about my picture perfect family who were so respected and cared about in our small community. So i was their nutter daughter, poor them.

    My mother hated me more than the other two, she would tell me to kill myself and leave me the means to do so, all in a mind fuck so i could be punished afterwards, when i started starving myself and harming myself, she was ecstatic, it gave her more reasons to come up with more punishments. I hd to enter an eating disorders clinic after the doctor insisted i would not make it through the week, she visited every day. The staff commented on how dedicated she was to me, and i felt like my mind was going to crack into pieces.

    After i left, i thought i was going to just have this normal life that i wanted to have, but it isn't, i am too disgusting for people to talk to, people feel afraid of the fact that i cannot make eye contact, that i am a little odd, and they just shy away, and i am no better, i am afraid all of the time that they will find where i am, i am afraid of myself, of people, i feel restricted from talking and i spent another christmas and new year totally alone, not even a conversation with a shop keeper or neighbour.

    I feel so isolated, and i want so much to just be able to talk, but it is impossible, no matter the therapy, or the reassurance, i am just not there.

    I wonder if it is possible to live a life in this way, to know that you are so broken that there is no way to fix yourself, that there is just no path out of it, and find a way to be at peace with that, for that to be enough.

  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi there :)
    You know, i met many girls who went threw sexual abuse and rape
    and i must tell you, they all were very strong, we were great freands
    we could talk about anything, if you like you can talk to me as (well i guess)
    i got somewhat expiriance with it. my msn:
    anyways, today im talking to a lady (much older then i am) and she went
    threw abuse and rape when she was child, today she living a full and healthy
    life, and my bet is that anyone can, even you :hug:
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    First of all, I'm so angry you went through all that Maya. Nobody, absolutely nobody should have to go through what you did. You didn't get support from the people that had responsibilty to care for you, instead you were abused from everyone and your mother sounds like a messed up woman. :sad: That and your description of the 'happy family' 'respectable family' facade, I can relate to so much.

    I hear you. It's a mind fuck when you know what's going on and you see people acting like that.

    Your worries about living a 'normal life'- I hear you. Thing is, people aren't disgusted by you, you're just are afraid, that's not your fault. Other people's reactions to you is their problem. When I look at your post I see someone who is very insightful, righteously angry, and knows where to put the blame and you've put it all where they belong, on those ED people, your mother, your brother and your father.

    I'm so glad to hear you've left that situation- is there any possibility of their finding you? And if they did, do you have measures to keep them away?

    I went through everything you did (all the feelings you describe, the isolation) when I left my house. And I felt like I'd never ever 'fix myself' but I didn't realise how much I had split in my house, to survive until a few months ago. I, too, am floating a lot, sometimes I don't talk, but you're talking here and that's a huge step combined with the things you're saying which shows me that you're not internalising too much and you're angry at what's happened which is good (you're not self pitying, you're voicing your anger and what you've experienced).

    As for therapy, are you with a counsellor right now? It does take time, and you might not be 'fixed' (what is a normal person?) but you might be less scared, able to deal with your feelings in a way which doesn't mean you're harming yourself, and might feel able to form some connections that will validate you, mean something and will help you heal. People process things differently.

    As for being able to talk, that might happen when you feel safer and right now you're feeling very understandably unsafe, isolated. I'm 'not there' a lot of the time too. It's a way of coping, it's to keep you alive. You're fighting to stay alive at the moment, that's why you're not able to talk...that's not your fault.

    You're not disgusting Maya, they are. They are. :hug:

    If you ever want to talk to me or a friend or anything, I'd be happy to listen.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2009
  4. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support summerrain and Sarah.

    Yes, they did find out where i was, my mother works for the council, and was able to find my address, at least i think that is how they found out where i was living, they sent letters and my brother used to park outside the hostel i was staying in, luckily, my social worker managed to move me into another area, out of her reach work wise at least, that was about six months ago, and so far i have been fine, but they said i belonged to them and they would decide when it was time for me to be finished in this world, and i still believe even now that should the opportunity arise they would see this through, but i have a different name now, and no-one would know me where i am, so i feel safe in that respect, although i still don't go out of the house unless it is absolutley neccesary.

    I do have a therapist and a doctor, and am on meds, which sometimes help, sometimes don't, as expected i suppose.

    I guess what i fear most is that this isolation will last forever, i am unable to relate to people or talk to them, the few times i have tried i have been rejected, and it is something i find very hard to deal with, i know i am a bit weird, but i would never hurt anyone, and i care about people, i guess i just wish they would give me a chance so they could see that.

    Then again, no-one can hurt you if you are alone, so that works at times for me.

    Thanks for the hand, i appreciate it.

  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: Just :hug: . Take care. Your mother works for the council and wants you dead. My mother is a nurse and didn't protect us.

    It's ironic what goes on behind closed doors and what goes on in public isn't it?

    I'm so glad you've changed your name and are a lot safer.

    I know what you mean about people not giving you a chance.

    The offer for being friends is always open. Look after yourself.
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