I am not sure why i am even posting this, since i sound so self pitying i make myself sick, but i just wish that for once, someone could solve my problems. That someone would come and say, heres a magic pill, now life can go back to normal for you.
My father and brother sexually abused me, my father first and i have no memory of not being abused by him, and later my brother, who he brought into the fold at the age of six or seven i think. The strange thing is, i don't blame my brother as much as he was made the same way that i was made. But some of the worst rapes and beatings i took were from him. All through school i struggled with mental illness and what was going on at home, my mother was well aware of what was happening and was responsible for any physical punishment i was given, the beatings were all her, the punishment rapes all her, i was totally isolated from people, and even in school, no-one spoke to me or had any contact. I was lucky in one sense that i was not bullied, although this was more to do with the fact that almost everyone there was terrified of me, although i never raised a finger.
I have been told over the years of the many mental disorders and behavioural disorders that cause the problems i had, you see, i never told a living soul about my picture perfect family who were so respected and cared about in our small community. So i was their nutter daughter, poor them.
My mother hated me more than the other two, she would tell me to kill myself and leave me the means to do so, all in a mind fuck so i could be punished afterwards, when i started starving myself and harming myself, she was ecstatic, it gave her more reasons to come up with more punishments. I hd to enter an eating disorders clinic after the doctor insisted i would not make it through the week, she visited every day. The staff commented on how dedicated she was to me, and i felt like my mind was going to crack into pieces.
After i left, i thought i was going to just have this normal life that i wanted to have, but it isn't, i am too disgusting for people to talk to, people feel afraid of the fact that i cannot make eye contact, that i am a little odd, and they just shy away, and i am no better, i am afraid all of the time that they will find where i am, i am afraid of myself, of people, i feel restricted from talking and i spent another christmas and new year totally alone, not even a conversation with a shop keeper or neighbour.
I feel so isolated, and i want so much to just be able to talk, but it is impossible, no matter the therapy, or the reassurance, i am just not there.
I wonder if it is possible to live a life in this way, to know that you are so broken that there is no way to fix yourself, that there is just no path out of it, and find a way to be at peace with that, for that to be enough.
Maya
My father and brother sexually abused me, my father first and i have no memory of not being abused by him, and later my brother, who he brought into the fold at the age of six or seven i think. The strange thing is, i don't blame my brother as much as he was made the same way that i was made. But some of the worst rapes and beatings i took were from him. All through school i struggled with mental illness and what was going on at home, my mother was well aware of what was happening and was responsible for any physical punishment i was given, the beatings were all her, the punishment rapes all her, i was totally isolated from people, and even in school, no-one spoke to me or had any contact. I was lucky in one sense that i was not bullied, although this was more to do with the fact that almost everyone there was terrified of me, although i never raised a finger.
I have been told over the years of the many mental disorders and behavioural disorders that cause the problems i had, you see, i never told a living soul about my picture perfect family who were so respected and cared about in our small community. So i was their nutter daughter, poor them.
My mother hated me more than the other two, she would tell me to kill myself and leave me the means to do so, all in a mind fuck so i could be punished afterwards, when i started starving myself and harming myself, she was ecstatic, it gave her more reasons to come up with more punishments. I hd to enter an eating disorders clinic after the doctor insisted i would not make it through the week, she visited every day. The staff commented on how dedicated she was to me, and i felt like my mind was going to crack into pieces.
After i left, i thought i was going to just have this normal life that i wanted to have, but it isn't, i am too disgusting for people to talk to, people feel afraid of the fact that i cannot make eye contact, that i am a little odd, and they just shy away, and i am no better, i am afraid all of the time that they will find where i am, i am afraid of myself, of people, i feel restricted from talking and i spent another christmas and new year totally alone, not even a conversation with a shop keeper or neighbour.
I feel so isolated, and i want so much to just be able to talk, but it is impossible, no matter the therapy, or the reassurance, i am just not there.
I wonder if it is possible to live a life in this way, to know that you are so broken that there is no way to fix yourself, that there is just no path out of it, and find a way to be at peace with that, for that to be enough.
Maya