the new guy

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DarkFantasy, Mar 9, 2010.

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  1. DarkFantasy

    DarkFantasy Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone.
    I'll just get right too it. I'm a hermit, a recluse, afraid to even step outside for fear someone is watching, 29 and never had a steady job, no friends, I take showers once a week, don't brush my teeth unless leaving (I say teeth, but I already have a top denture that doesn't fit), started going bald at 24, I'm lazy, have no motivation, still live with my mom, no car, play video games all day, and uh, well why do I even need to post more. That's already enough to make one kill themselves. Yet I'm still here.
    I don't care so much that I don't even care to kill myself. I'm too lazy to bother. And for some reason I still have hope, as it dwindles.

    I've been a hermit for so long now though that there's a certain complacency I have for being alone. But even when I was younger, I always had social anxiety. I started to like being alone. It was a weird.. I don't know what you'd call it. Feeling I guess. Maybe because I got so used to being the outcast at such an early age I just developed this sort of euphoria when being alone.
    But for the last 10 years, and especially in the last 5 things have gotten so much worse. I can't concentrate on things, I can't focus. I feel like I'm getting dumber. When being out in public I constantly think about how I'm looking. And I can't move. What I do isn't normal. Everyone knows I have a problem. I do my best to pretend so that no one knows, but they know. Out of the corner of my eye I see people looking. Where am I supposed to look? I'm thinking about it constantly. Is my hat just right? Did the way I shave make me look stupid?

    All I want is love. For someone to love me. I need to want to help myself first right? But I don't care. I care, but I need help. I can't do it by myself. No one will help me because I don't care enough. You know, if I didn't live in such a big city with no privacy things might be better. I wouldn't mind being alone so much because I wouldn't have to constantly worry about all the neighbors talking amongst each other "that's where the hermit lives".

    I wasn't crazy to begin with, but I think I might be starting to. I don't know how much longer I can stay here wondering if things will ever change. I want help, but guess how I have to get anywhere? Yep, my mom. Anytime I have to go with her I become demoralized all over again. Sometimes I can push my feelings down and deny that anything is wrong with me, and pretend to be normal. But not if I have to get out of the car with my mom. I'm tired of pretending and being afraid.
    I think I used to have a life once upon a time. I need it back.
    I'm not really sure the kind of responses I will get. Probably "you need help call a therapist". I know what I need, but I'm either too afraid, too demoralized, or just don't have the motivation.
    I also tried to look up sites or forums that I could find others like me. But when searching for hermit therapy I got absolutely nothing. That just sounds like a joke actually. It's embarrassing for me to even say the word hermit. Am I alone on this one?

    Well, I guess that's that. There's so much more I have to tell, but I can't pile it up here. And talking about this is making it worse actually. I like being in denial. At least there I can be in a somewhat happy place.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey DarkFantasy,

    Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you got your account sorted out :)

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. There are, however, ways forward.

    I do agree that with therapy and proper support, you could really find it helps. However, if that's not for you right now, then maybe its worth finding your own path out, and it can be done. Its all about baby steps forward. Could you maybe look at the small steps you could make yourself to start to implement some changes?

    You could start with things like showering more often, or brushing your teeth more often, or standing at the front door for a minute or something like that. Something small, and achieveable, to help you build your confidence in your ability.

    I hope that SF can help provide you with some support to help you through this.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome lots of care here glad you reached out
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Welcome aboard!

    Nice to meet you.

    Rant and rave all you want here. We are quite patient in listening.
  5. weevil

    weevil Well-Known Member

    Hey, I can definitely relate to how you feel. I'm also 29 and while I haven't constantly lived with my Mum and don't right now I have done at various stages of my 20s. Those times I was also doing nothing but sit online, watch TV and play video games thinking I have no hope left in the world.

    I would agree with those saying to try and make a small change somehow. I don't know what you've tried, often times in the past anti-depressants have helped me just enough to function a bit more and sort some things out. I'm not a complete medication fan as one time they sent me crazy but I feel the risk is worth it just to change something. If you don't fancy that or therapy then think of something else possible to change, my old counseller used to say to me that if you carry on like you are now then all that will happen is what's already happening, do you want that?

    A small change might give you a bit of a boost, so that you can focus mentally on what you might like to do longterm. Having a longterm plan might not help everyone but it's one of the biggest things saving my life right now.
  6. DarkFantasy

    DarkFantasy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies everyone :)
    You know, I have tried some small things. And they do make me feel better. My problem is that it is very short lived and I always end up going back to that complacency safe zone if you will. It's just so much easier to not try.
    It seems no one is going to help you but yourself, and that's where I lack motivation, because I only have hope that someone else will step in and help me. I really don't know how to do things on my own. I have no sense of independence whatsoever. My desperation doesn't help either.

    My other problem and something I'm worried about is, when I do decide to seek out a mental clinic, how will I portray my problem? I can't speak in public, it's nearly impossible. All I can think of is "crap, I'm talking, ok calm down."
    I can already almost feel the happiness of me working it out and the feeling of joy that I can actually be somebody, eventually getting to a place I'd like to be in life, but it's all just a horrible mean fantasy.
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    welcome to sf
  8. weevil

    weevil Well-Known Member

    I really don't like bringing up mental health issues with doctors, at an especially bad moment during October I knew I needed to ask the doctor I really didn't like for some help. I wrote down in bullet point form everything I was feeling and handed that to him, I felt kinda stupid doing it but I knew I'd have far more trouble actually saying any of those things. You could try that?

    I think what doesn't help is storylines with depressed, etc people on TV, they always have loads of people running after them trying to help when in reality that has never been my experience.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I agree with Weevil. Bullet point lists rank higest on my list of 'ways to communicate with a doctor'. It can be incredibly effective.

    It sounds like whilst you feel so wretched, it is a place you know and it feels safe, and doing other things does not feel safe. Maybe you need some sort of therapy to help you get to a place where you want to get better.

    You're right, only you can help yourself, however, there are plenty of people who can walk the journey with you which can make it easier and more managable. The only one who can save you though, is yourself.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I am sorry to hear you have gotten yourself into such a rut. You are the only one that can make the changes you want to happen. Take one small step at a time. Maybe shower twice a week and begin brushing your teeth (dentures). Step outside the house. You don't have to go far at first. Then maybe take a few steps down the walk. Whatever it takes, but start to make those changes. Set a goal that is realistic and you can achieve. You will start feeling better about yourself.
  11. Azalea

    Azalea New Member

    Hello...heh-heh, you kinda sound like the boy version of me. Except I don't live with my mom. I hate her. I live with my little girl. No car right now though. And between the mental issues and chronic back pain, I am always home. We live on public assistance right now, and I have begun application process for therapist is helping me. Probably the only difference is that I actually have to leave my home more often, to get food for the baby....and/or milk...Otherwise I'd probably just have a pizza delivered every couple of days and sneak out at midnight to get beer at the mini mart across the street. Anyways...I'm kinda stuck in a vicious circle. If I could start to feel for a minute what I felt like when I was working, before the baby it seems like I could make more progress. I'm still struggling to get rid of baby fat while my sexy wardrobe waits in my closet for me. Everytime I get out long enough to get some excersize, my back hurts so bad that I'm laying down for 2 days. I wouldn't mind just starving a little bit, but an empty stomache causes me to have migraines which trigger panic and nausea. bleh. anyways...didn't mean to start rambling.....just was thinking maybe we could help each other. I'm not sure how, but maybe. :) I'm glad I met you're my favorite person to chat with:cheekkiss
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel.. I have socialphobia and agoriphobia.. Amongst other mental health issues.. I live in my bedroom 24/7.. I have my computer , TV, video games and books.. I hae grown bored with them all.. I have been like this for 21 years..I was always a home body but had a nervous breakdown..I too am afraid of people.. I always wear a hat and sunglasses when I go out..I have found thru therapy I am able to go out early in the mornings..I have even started driving again but don't feel safe doing it..I also only bath once a week.. Have dentures, am going bald, and have put on 100 lbs..I got myself a dog but can't get mtself to take him for walks..It's a good thing I have a big backyard fenced in so he can go out and run around..He's my constant companion..The only friends I have are here on the forum.. And a few I have taken outside of the forum.. We email each other everyday..I'm telling you all this because I want you to know you aren't alone..I highly recommend you get a therapist.. They do help..I wish you luck and welcome to the forum..
  13. Wuwei

    Wuwei Member

    Hey DarkFantasy

    I'm actually new here too and this is my first post. I was checking out the posts in this subforum, when I read your introduction and just had to make a post.

    Your post hit home with me, in that I recognize a lot of my situation in what you describe. I'm only slightly younger than yourself, turning 27 next month. I face myself with a lot of the same issues, and a very similar approach to them.

    Even though I feel sad reading other people going through things like this, it does give me a little comfort to know that at least one person out there knows what it's like. And I hope this can mean the same to you, that you're not the only one facing this out there. Take care DF and glad you're here.
  14. DarkFantasy

    DarkFantasy Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate the new responses, they mean a lot to me.
    Since I've posted I did see a doc, and basically handed her a list of things I came up with that I felt I should tell her. I talked very little, just mostly answered some basic questions, but she diagnosed me with agoraphobia and avoidance personality disorder along with depression. I've been taking the meds she gave me, but they really aren't helping. Just trying to hold my own, keep my head up, and think of ways I can slowly work my way back up to at least a place where I can hold my own. Just being able to express my thoughts is starting to become more of a struggle as I feel my mind is being washed away.
    I just hope the ability to want to get better stays with me. It's very hard to discipline myself when nothing really matters and feels hopeless.
    I will use this post as inspiration though. And I'm also glad I met you Azalea. Thank you for sharing all of that. I'll see ya in chat soon ;)
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Remember it takes six to eight weeks for the meds to completely startworking.. She may have to increse dosage or try you on something else..Everyones body chemistry is different so the meds have to be trial and error..They currently have me on seven different meds for different problems..For the most part they work.. Every now and then I get down but my friends here come to the rescue.. So lean on us and let us help support you..
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