Hi everyone. I'll just get right too it. I'm a hermit, a recluse, afraid to even step outside for fear someone is watching, 29 and never had a steady job, no friends, I take showers once a week, don't brush my teeth unless leaving (I say teeth, but I already have a top denture that doesn't fit), started going bald at 24, I'm lazy, have no motivation, still live with my mom, no car, play video games all day, and uh, well why do I even need to post more. That's already enough to make one kill themselves. Yet I'm still here. I don't care so much that I don't even care to kill myself. I'm too lazy to bother. And for some reason I still have hope, as it dwindles. I've been a hermit for so long now though that there's a certain complacency I have for being alone. But even when I was younger, I always had social anxiety. I started to like being alone. It was a weird.. I don't know what you'd call it. Feeling I guess. Maybe because I got so used to being the outcast at such an early age I just developed this sort of euphoria when being alone. But for the last 10 years, and especially in the last 5 things have gotten so much worse. I can't concentrate on things, I can't focus. I feel like I'm getting dumber. When being out in public I constantly think about how I'm looking. And I can't move. What I do isn't normal. Everyone knows I have a problem. I do my best to pretend so that no one knows, but they know. Out of the corner of my eye I see people looking. Where am I supposed to look? I'm thinking about it constantly. Is my hat just right? Did the way I shave make me look stupid? All I want is love. For someone to love me. I need to want to help myself first right? But I don't care. I care, but I need help. I can't do it by myself. No one will help me because I don't care enough. You know, if I didn't live in such a big city with no privacy things might be better. I wouldn't mind being alone so much because I wouldn't have to constantly worry about all the neighbors talking amongst each other "that's where the hermit lives". I wasn't crazy to begin with, but I think I might be starting to. I don't know how much longer I can stay here wondering if things will ever change. I want help, but guess how I have to get anywhere? Yep, my mom. Anytime I have to go with her I become demoralized all over again. Sometimes I can push my feelings down and deny that anything is wrong with me, and pretend to be normal. But not if I have to get out of the car with my mom. I'm tired of pretending and being afraid. I think I used to have a life once upon a time. I need it back. I'm not really sure the kind of responses I will get. Probably "you need help call a therapist". I know what I need, but I'm either too afraid, too demoralized, or just don't have the motivation. I also tried to look up sites or forums that I could find others like me. But when searching for hermit therapy I got absolutely nothing. That just sounds like a joke actually. It's embarrassing for me to even say the word hermit. Am I alone on this one? Well, I guess that's that. There's so much more I have to tell, but I can't pile it up here. And talking about this is making it worse actually. I like being in denial. At least there I can be in a somewhat happy place.