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The Nightmare Night [TRIG TRIG TRIG]

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Bagpuss18, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    The Nightmare Night [TRIG TRIG TRIG *sh*]

    I have had two cutting sessions today:

    Firstly just because I was so so so depressed. And secondly, well... At first it was because I just couldn't take being so depressed anymore. Then it moved on to the being because of the thrill of cutting. And then because of ****. I did something different, very different today : I cut on my stomach and chest (ok, so that's not different), but I carved an initial (the first in ****): one on my stomach and one on my chest.

    **** keeps popping into my head. It's horrible. It's not like I even know why I don't seem to be thinking about him or anything connected with him. Then suddenly, my cutting, crying or hysteria is because of him. I feel so violently dirty and terrified because of him. He really does make my skin crawl. I can see him laughing grotsqueqely in my mind. Him and his mum KNOW what they did to me. And I can see them in my mind - laughing at me. It's so SICK.

    I can still vividly remember his sick, smirking face while he did what he wanted with me all those times; the embarrassment at Holiday On Ice; the hallucination I had of him; his SICK SICK SICK DISGUSTING face.

    But why am I thinking about this now? Why does he incessantly pop up in my head. It all ended two months ago, and only lasted about six months before.

    Oh God that seems like a long time. How did I cope being abused for 6 months? Why didn't I just leave him straight away?!

    I am so THICK and fat and ugly and dirty and cheap. Ewww. I HATE myself. I hate HIM. I hate his mum. And all they do when they know I'm like this is laugh! They LAUGH at my distress, my horror, my self-destruction...

    I can't live in my own body anymore. I want to lash out and hurt it. I want to scrape all his dirty slime off. How can I survive if I'm unable to live within my own body?

    Oh someone take it away. Make it stop.

    I can't fight anymore. I really can't.

    What kind of a future will I ever have anyway? Too afraid to leave the house mostly.

    HELP. But nah, nobody cares anymore. I've been depressed so long now that nobody cares. They've all given up on me. Even the doctors. No one thinks I'll do it, so what's the point in carrying on now.

    I hate them. I hate life. I hate ME.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2008
  2. Re: The Nightmare Night [TRIG TRIG TRIG *sh*]

    Just remember that, no matter what, you are a better person than he is. You need to sit down and talk it all over with someone, try and forget about what he did. Always remember that you are the strongest person. Not him, not anyone else involved but YOU. You cannot let this guy get what he wanted, to ruin your life. Keep fighting hun and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm willing to help.
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    I am sorry. I wonder if you suffer from PTSD. What they did was awful and anyone who carries those tings out on someone else is the person that is ugly, cheap, dirty, and disgusting. not the victim. The victim might feel these things but in actually fact they are a surviver and strong they have gone through it all and come out of the other end. Carving his intial was not good sweetheart not only because it is SH and not a good thing but also because it will always be a reminder and something that someone that you do trust and start to love will question you about. I wish that it was just a normal cut infact I wish you had not cut at all.

    Life is full of its ups and downs. WIth each down followed by an up. The up is coming sweetheart. Have you spoken about this to those that are there to help you in person? the psycs and dr.s etc...

    Remember I am always here if you want to talk.

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