I didn't kill myself until now. I didn't want to turn 15. I felt like I was getting a panic attack the night before my 15th birthday because I was wishing for death so bad, I had expected it to come - but nothing had happened. I then really planned suicide many times that year. One of the times, I started swallowing the pills. But I wasn't strong enough to do it. And I am really disappointed in myself. I'm 17 now and I went to a clinic for suicide watch and am going to start taking medication now, instead of killing myself. I feel so fucking weak and useless. I really really wish I could kill myself. Because I can't live like this. And I've tried everything in my power to make my life better and maybe worth living but nothing is working and yet I still haven't found the strength to kill myself. I guess I just want for me to suffer. Yet again, I think that is just an excuse because I'm to weak to let go. I mean, I'm ready to die. There's nothing that means enough to me to keep me here. I'm living for nothing. And I really wish I could find it in me to kill myself.