The one thing i truly regret

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarlettdrknss, Apr 20, 2013.

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  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I didn't kill myself until now.

    I didn't want to turn 15. I felt like I was getting a panic attack the night before my 15th birthday because I was wishing for death so bad, I had expected it to come - but nothing had happened.
    I then really planned suicide many times that year. One of the times, I started swallowing the pills. But I wasn't strong enough to do it. And I am really disappointed in myself.
    I'm 17 now and I went to a clinic for suicide watch and am going to start taking medication now, instead of killing myself. I feel so fucking weak and useless. I really really wish I could kill myself. Because I can't live like this. And I've tried everything in my power to make my life better and maybe worth living but nothing is working and yet I still haven't found the strength to kill myself.
    I guess I just want for me to suffer.
    Yet again, I think that is just an excuse because I'm to weak to let go.
    I mean, I'm ready to die. There's nothing that means enough to me to keep me here. I'm living for nothing.
    And I really wish I could find it in me to kill myself.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I'm here if you want to talk via not underestimate the strength it takes to keep on living. Stick with the meds, it takes a few weeks for them to kick in properly - but they do make a difference - and if it's not the difference you want then there are lots of options until you find the right one. Are you getting any kind of talking help like counselling or CBT?
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi scarlett;

    Nice to talk to you again. You disappeared for a while!

    Have you started taking the new medication yet? Please give it a chance. I am always sceptical about new meds, but I am also willing to try almost anything if I think there is at least a chance it might make a positive difference.

    Are things going any better at home?

    Don't give up. We're all in this crappy mess together, and we have to keep supporting and looking out for each other.

  4. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    We are in this together, you have helped me out before just from your posting.
    I think it's very courageous, not weak, to try a new direction that may make you able to live and not think about dying. I hope the medication helps, please let us know how it goes.
    I'll be thinking of you
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    thank you for all the replies. i am starting the mediction on friday but i'm wary because i had tried medication once and it felt like it made things worse - i know that this is other medication and should make things different but i'm still not convinced...

    i've had therapy these last 2 years. the therapist didn't help though so i go to a psychiatrist now until i find a new therapist.

    at home, well, at least my parents aren't acting weird about the medication and therapy. it's been pretty calm but they expect more from me.

    i mean, when the depression started, i lost my friends (on puropose), i fought with my family, i went out of my way to make things complicated for them, i barely talked, i dropped out of any kind of sports and gave up playing instruments - but i've changed all of that now and still i'm just getting worse...
  6. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I do not want to discourage you but I tried several medications before finding one that did not make things worse. Keep trying because if this one doesn't help much, there are several different classes of meds that might have one that really helps. The only reason I'm off the med that helped me is because I lost the dr. who prescribed it and as soon as I get another one I plan on taking it again. My thought is that if I can stay alive until then, there might be a chance.
    Hopefully this one will be it for you. I think psychiatrists try to consider your reactions to other meds in order to move to one that works a different way and would be more effective.

    Try to keep going until you get the one that helps. I can't believe that it helped me to come to a forum and talk, I lurked for a long time, but it has and I hope you will keep coming to talk until you feel a positive difference from a med that will allow you to thrive in the better situation that you have worked for and created for yourself.
  7. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    I think you need to back to your pyschiatrist and ask for meds that will help you and its about keep trying different meds till your happy with the dosage. Can you call your crisis time when you feel like this?
  8. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i guess i've just given up in a way. bursts of hope come then and again but i'm used to the pain they leave and have learned to not expect to get better. i don't even know why i'm fighting anymore. i guess i'm not really fighting anyway. just drifting, like letting myself get carried through life.
    i know i won't get better but i also know that i will make other people's lives worse if i kill myself, so i'll just invite the pain into my heart and make it my friend, because it's all that i've got.
  9. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    When you start the med Friday will you see the psychiatrist as well? Could he help you find a new therapist?
    Thinking of you and I hope you don't give up hope yet. This Friday starts a new chance.
  10. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    no, unfortunately not. but thank you for the support!
  11. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can u let your parents or someone know how you are feeling Hun
  12. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    they already know... so many people know now :/ my parents, my younger sister, two friends here, my friends from before i moved away, my former softball coach and my two new coaches, my aunt and her children... the school knows i've been in the clinic for a bit more than a week.
    i can't lie to them anymore but i can't talk to them either because they never make me feel better but just worse. every time i had told them, i hoped they could help me but my hopes were crushed and then i had to pretend i was better and lie to their faces anyway, and that doesn't help at all >_<
    and the psychiatrist just listens, doesn't know me enough to help, i guess
  13. RobA

    RobA New Member

    Hey, I'm 19 and I relate myself to your story. I exist but don't live. Merely everyone I trusted came back against me which has made me isolate myself for not being able to genuinely trust somebody else. I go through school and work wearing my fake smile and attitude. I go to sleep at night thinking about the past and how miserable I am. I dream about what I'd need to be happy, but unfortunately I wake up every morning only to realise I have to start all over again...

    If you want to talk, hit me up.

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