the one thing that holds me back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by elvinchild, Jul 10, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    The only thing keeping me from attempting to end my life is my mother. She is highly emotional, prone to panic, and bases all of her worth on the success of her children. If I were to commit suicide, she would be convinced that she had failed at life. I can't imagine the panic attacks she would go through - and those accompanied by her asthma, it would be terrifying for her. She can barely stand only seeing me like 3 or 4 times a week, how would she be able to survive never seeing me again? Anyone else in my life could take it. Of my few friends, two of them have been suicidal; one tried to take his own life. Any other friends really aren't that close and would be sad but would get over it. My dad is stoic as hell and he'd find a way to see it logically, and he'd get by. The only other person I'd worry about is my boyfriend, because he'd blame himself.. .but he's strong too, and he's lived without me his entire 39 year life until we met last year.

    But my mom... I can't imagine putting her through it. And it makes me angry, because I've lived my entire life walking on eggshells around her, living my life for her first and foremost, ignoring my own well-being to see that she isn't upsetted - and even when I do things for myself, she is hurt somehow, and I wind up enormously guilty and so I am miserable anyway- so you see there is no winning in this situation, and now... now I can't take it anymore. But I have no choice. I must suffer.
     
  2. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I understand what it's like to want to go and not be able to because of the people in your life. It sounds like you're a really caring person, though, and your friends, even if they would eventually get over it, would be very unfortunate to lose someone like that.

    Why don't you tell us a little bit about what's bother you? Why do you want to end it all?
     
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Every day is a struggle. I have bipolar and my emotions rapidly fluctuate up and down, I never know how I will be feeling. Its impossible to make plans because of this. I have social anxiety and am horribly lonely. I've lost many friends because my mood swings cause me to alternate between being happy and outgoing and negative and disappearing from peoples lives. My brother sexually abused me, I don't get along with my parents. I am pretty distant from the few friends I have left, and I dont' feel like they really know me, I feel like I have to hide a lot otherwise I scare them away. So the friendship is pointless, because I am living a lie. Life in itself is pointless because I am in so much pain due to my inability to function. In addition to my social troubles, I had to drop out of school and have an immensely hard time working, I can't deal with the people and so am just made more aware of my isolation and usually end up in tears by the end of the work day. I am sick of it. My only small purpose is to write and perform music that inspires people, but my mood swings make that hard to do because if I'm feeling panicky on a performance day I can't focus and make mistakes, and I hate how depressing my music is. I used to take medication for bipolar and they destroyed my memory and messed up my cognitive function, so now I forget my own songs onstage. In conversation I can barely speak coherently because I can't think of words. Everything I've been through has just left me hopeless. I will always be alone and drive people away. My quality of life is only deteriorating day by day. I am exhausted from being forced to endure this suffering every day, and wish at night I would never wake up after I fell asleep. I can't take it much longer. I am already dead inside.
     
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