The One Thing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Mar 13, 2010.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So this is a completely downright selfish thread. Since my last attempt I cant see anything but what I was sooo close to having. Me. I. Myself. Not my kids, or family or friends or the collection agencies or therapists...just me.

    I'm fighting so hard not to give in to the thoughts and urges again. All I've heard lately is that I have to start putting myself first. Think of myself before others. So go for it. Tell me the one thing that I'm suppose to hold on for. NOT that I have to stay around cuz others need me. Eventually everyone (kids included) find their own feet and path in life. NOT because one day things MAY look brighter(I have been battling this for about 10years and those that know my personal story know it really only gets worse everyday). NOT that I have financial responsibilites. Dead I dont have them anymore. NOT cuz someone loves me. Love in the last 46 years has only served to hurt me. Etc. etc. etc. What is the one damn reason that I need to stay safe. Stay alive. The one reason for me????? Not the reasons for everyone elses sakes. Just me. Cuz right now I cant think of any.
     
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Because we love you Carla.
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I would be inclined to say because you have fought so hard and worked so, so hard and if you throw that away now then all that huge effort has been wasted. Is that enough? or relevant? Or something you care about? I don't know, but it matters to some people, which is why I chose to say it.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry but I'm in such a huge low dark negative place so I'm going to answer from where I am. YOU, WE love me. I dont love me. The people in RL that kept saying that certainhly dont show the same. I've been asking for the professionals to teach me how to love me. They cant. So I dont.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Like the saying goes...... "we learn from our mistakes". The past 30 years of my life have been nothing but a huge mistake. Hell I was a mistake that's why my parents had to get married. Even the stupidiest of people eventually learn. I'm learning that no matter how much effort I put forth, nothing ever changes.
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That was not YOUR mistake that made them get married, that was THEIR mistake, but their mistake was a wonderful mistake- if you don't believe it was wonderful for you, look at what you have done. You have created a wonderful family (I believe you have children?), you have done lots of good things in this world too- at the very least you have been amazing on here. You are a WONDERFUL mistake, whether you believe that or not.

    You say nothing changes, but I would imagine that actually things have changed, although maybe not the big changes that you need, but maybe small baby steps?

    Have you ever done anything like Dialectic Behavioural Therapy?
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Know what I'm sorry. Just too tired to care anymore. All I can see is death as the one thing that will make the one change I need so badly. And then nothing will change ever again. Not for me anyway. Selfish.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    small steps Carla Take yourself out of your head you pain for awhile Go for a walk with your dog Go outside enjoy the nature Your children that is one of the biggest reasons You know you are loved so start by accepting that love and use it to see things differently. I am spending the day only with positive thougths today outside even in the rain i don't care i will stay away from these negative thougts somehow if only for today Carla Try replacing those tired old thoughts with new ones. take care friend please
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I dont think so could it have a different name. In 10 years I've tried so many things.
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's a relatively new therapy. Its quite indepth and long, but it is the kind of thing that can teach you the skills needed to love yourself (hell, even to tolerate yourself, and maybe like yourself). It's a very clever therapy, I must admit.
     
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So pretty much like CTT (cognitive thinking and teaching). Been there done that. Long course that does help until people like me get too overwhelmed with all the crap and it so quickly "unteaches" you all that you struggled so hard to learn. And that's what hurts even more cuz I know it works for others, why cant I make it stick for me? Why? Cuz I'm a lost cause. I accept it but doesnt make it hurt any less.
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's not too similar as far as I know although I'm sure there will be overlapping because in most therapies there are, but I don't know much about CTT. Just thought it might give you another option, that's all. Sorry.



    ETA- It teaches a set of skills that the average person has, but that some people do not have. It is often associated with people who have BPD, but when I did it, out of 8 on the course, only me and one other did, but the others found it incredibly useful too. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2010
  13. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Carla, I am in the same place as you this very moment. The clock is ticking, my living circumstances are not pleasant and are probably only going to worse, the clock is ticking, I am at the mercy of my depression/OCD/anxiety and insomnia, the G*d damned clock is ticking and I am more than sufficiently tired of fighting. I see the future as nothing more than a continuance of this brutal battle while I slowly decline physically/cognitively and lose people incredibly dear to me.

    All I can say is keep plugging along- there may be a payoff. I've unfortunately lost mine but you have spiritual faith. Let your spirit keep receiving healing and your morale continuous renewal from prayer. Remember, virtually every religion views suicide as a horrible act with repercussions in the afterlife.

    Have you ever tried ECT? I have been through over four separate rounds of it, over forty treatments and up until recently it definitely helped control my depression. Have you tried daily or even semi- daily aerobic exercise? Systemic exercise is proven as and even more effective in controlling depression. I believe my depression is starting to get out of control again because very serious insomnia has me too exhausted to run as frequently as I needed for it's benefit.

    Keep going and stay safe- for you- for the payoff that has to be out there! :console:
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry I'm at that place again. Everything is out of control. Especially me. There isnt any reason. And if there was the thoughts and urges are beyond me seeing it. Just close this thread.
     
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    deleted
     
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Carla.....HUGS......
    I hope you give that new therapy a go scums talking about.....hell...what have you got to lose?....except maybe lose some of the pain you're in!!!!....
    we love ya on here Carla...
    take care
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    anything is worth a try anything to stop the pain Carla try it just do it
     
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks everyone but well .....that one thing still seems to elude me. Really did try to find it. Sorry.