the ones who love you

[Unregistered]

Hello ,

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to say what I want to say so I hope that this makes sense. Maybe some piece of this will make sense to someone other than me. I hope so.

Recently, I have lost a loved one, lost a teacher to a terminal illness, and have spent a lot of time with thinking about what it must be like for my friend who is living with a terminal illness. The one thing that these people all have in common is that they have had no control over what has happened to them. This does not make coping with their loss-or impending loss any easier.

All of these people have contributed to the person that I am today, and I am so grateful that I have known them. Unlike many of you reading this, I have never attempted but I've wanted to die and think about how it could happen and how it wouldn't be so sad. Then the rational side of my self knows what it would do to the ones who love me. I don't see myself as someone people should miss, but I could never hurt the ones I love by ending my life.

There are so many people who never have the chance to do the things they wanted to do because they have died. I know that because I am alive I can do so many things. I can do things to honor those who were unable to do them.

I love someone who on many occassions has tried to take their own life. Everyday that I don't spend with person, I am so scared that they will leave me here to try to live my life without them. I don't think I would ever be able to enjoy everything I will experience if that person isn't with me. Just thinking about the horrific possibility that the worst case scenario might one day become my reality makes me physically ill. It makes me cry. It makes me cry a lot.

So many of you are fortunate enough to have people who love you and care about you and would be unimaginabley devestated that they will never have a chance to talk to you, see you, or feel you ever again. No matter how alone you feel and how much you think no one would miss you or that the world would be better off without you-YOU ARE WRONG. Anyone is welcome to argue that, but I hope deep down inside you can find that light (it might be really dim!) to realize that "Each life has its place." That means everyone. Every last person on this earth. You might not know it yet, but there are things for you to contribute to this world and if you don't the world will miss out!

I'm not sure what will happen to me after I die. But I know what I can do while I'm alive. I want more than anything to live my life with the one I love because it is sharing my life with that special person that means the world to me. Sharing my life with the one I love makes me the happiest person on this planet. I say this knowing that I am just one person. I am one person who loves one of you more than words could ever describe or explain. I am one of the people that loves those of you that come here each and everyday. Be here if this helps you make it to tomorrow. Many people have a hard time coping with knowing a loved one wants to die. As you know these people can do and say the wrong things out of fear and frustration and the wrong time. Please know that it doesn't mean they don't care or won't miss you.

To those of you with whom i've spoken- I WOULD miss you. To those of you whom I've yet to meet-I WOULD miss you too. I WOULD miss you because there were soo many things you were going to share with the world and I wouldn't have a chance to experience the ways you would continue to touch the world.

Fight to hold on for another day for yourself and the people who love you. When you wake up tomorrow try to do the same. Please know that each day you will bring joy to the ones you love because they have the opportunity to spend more time with you.

Everyone is like a pebble dropped into the middle of a pond. Every pebble creates ripples that will travel to the edge of the water and stop only because the ripples meet the land. Please know that each of your respective ponds is the size of an ocean. You have so much to share with the world. Let the ripples stop when they stop by themselves.

Please don't give up. You can do so much that you've not yet done. You make the world what it is-so make it a place you would like to stay and share it! Share it with the ones you love and those who love you and those who will love you that you've not yet met.

Each life has its place. Alive.

 

[SushiGirl]

hey i like this post allot it is very encouraging.thank you for the thoguhtful message it will probably help allot of people knowing that there is always someone out there who cares.gonna make it a sticky.

 

[shadowcat]

What a awesome thought, sometimes it does take losing someone who is very close to you to know what life is worth. I have seen this recently in the loss of a friend who died all of a sudden a couple of months ago. He lived his life well and made friends with many people even though his life was short he did what he wanted and touched many lives in the process.

 

[Unregistered]

Thank you Sarah and shadowcat. If it helps one person, I've accomplished what I hoped to.

Thanks!

 

[boa]

unregistered, i understand the point that you are trying to make. However, many of us (and i speak fom personal experience) have had a life that is full of pain. and when we are not in pain, the things that keep us from hurting hurt afterall. it may be hard to understand, but some of us know of one coping skill. you know what, i better not finish this at all. thank for your encouraging words and trying to help.

 

[end of rope]

Hi,
I hope that maybe something i'm going to say to you will help. First, I sorry you have to go through what you are going through.
Second, I would like to say that you stated you wouldn't want to hurt the people around you by trying to kill yourself. This is what you need to focus on to stay sane and keep you feet on the ground.
Third and most important, The only thing you can do for the people you love with a mental illness is stay their friend and don't dismiss what they are going through. I have traveled this road all my life and the worst thing a person can do is treat them as if it's something they can just shake off and move on. This will only push them over the cliff. They can't control the illness. some stupid people have claimed they can.

 

[Unregistered]

boa

I am sorry that your life experiences have prevented you from seeing the possibilities that exist beyond all that has hurt you. I hope that you are able to discover new ways of coping so that you can begin to experience some of the more positive possibilities that just might be waiting for you to experience.

 

[Unregistered]

End of rope-

Please know that in no way am I discounting the real impact of mental illness.

I myself have an alphabet of diagnoses. If they could just go away or shaken off life would be much easier for me as well. My intention was not to downplay the ways in which mental illness can control your life. Of this I am painfully aware.

 

[~teardrops~]

thanks for posting your story, i know the value of life on other people, but alot of the time cant see any value on my own, its encouraging, to think how much any person affects so many,
thanks again, hope you get through your own problems ok,
~teardrops~ :hug:

 

[Wonderstuff]

I found myself literally crying as I read that...thank you so much

 

[resistance]

Oh wow.... sorry, i know it's been a while since this was posted, but i've only just read it and even though unregistered may not be visiting the site anymore, i'd like to thank you for sharing your thoughts. What a great post. :hug:

 

[birch5]

I appreciate the post, but the sad fact for me is that there is really hardly anyone that does love me. If I died, I would be shocked if my services were attended at all. I am not joking about this. I have tried to have parties, etc., and none has shown up., etc. The phone can go for months without ringing. I'm not saying it as a putdown to myself, just a direct observation. I dont' know how to deal with that.

 

[Forget It]

I don't have friends and don't care to have any. The only people that will care about my death are my parents. Having people like that care for you is more of a curse than a blessing. If they didn't care, I wouldn't feel guilty about future suicide attempts. I wish they would just give up their hope for me.

People say those left behind will feel guilty about the suicide. In my note, I'm going to reassure people it was not their fault. If they have to blame someone, they can blame it on god.

Everyone may have their little purpose in life, but if god is so powerful, he can compensate for unexpected loss of life, so the argument which says everyone must live to fulfill their purpose is not valid. I've been living for 22 years and I haven't served any purpose and I just dropped out of college. There are those that serve no purpose. If people have to fulfill an obligation, they shouldn't have to be miserable doing it. Some people are miserable all their lives and die miserably. Was their entire life, lived in misery, worth fulfilling fate? No. Suicide should be like abortion. Anyone who wants to dies should be free to go to a hospital and be put to death. May be life would be better then, :unsure:

 

[non_existence]

Anyone who wants to dies should be free to go to a hospital and be put to death.

if only it were that easy

 

[non_existence]

The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide or fake it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine your own: if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the finger and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint others to be true to yourself: if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from Its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here, I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

--Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

[lost_soul]

it's been a while since this post has seen the light. i just found it myself. beautiful. it hits home to know that ppl out there do care how we are doing. thank you unregistered. i'm not sure if you are still around, but thank you.

 

[Bostonensis]

How? VERY CAPTIVATING,INDEED.

 

[down quark]

Bravo! , unregistered, i feel like i could have written a similar thread opener. My comment is that even the people in your life who you feel like they hate (or just dislike you) will be changed in some internal thoughts just because they knew you. And especially if you were still good to them even though they ended up diskliking you because of often negative , unforseen changes in you.
I just miss my wifes love, her touch, her smell, her loving caresses, making love to her, the smile on her beautiful face, best friends; all gone now, even though i am sick and she continues to care for me but wont talk to me or touch me, let alone kiss me or make love together. I forgive her, why i don't know, i guess it's because of the kids and i still love them all. But many a night , i have felt like quietly slipping out to the park and putting an end to my existence as i know it. I'm not afraid to die, just uncertain of the effects my death will bring as opposed to the continuing damage that my presense seems to have on the ones i love. I am uncertain what is better death or a continued rotten life.

 

[hjklnli]

Thank you, Unregistered. I know it's been a long time since you posted this, way back in '05, but here I am in '08 reading it for the first time. I don't think I've ever been so close to attempting, but reading this post, having been already crying, I bawled some more and...I think this is what I needed to see. It's so tempting. Method's available, everything. But this post has held me back. Thank you.

 

[three]

unregistered, i understand the point that you are trying to make. However, many of us (and i speak fom personal experience) have had a life that is full of pain. and when we are not in pain, the things that keep us from hurting hurt afterall. it may be hard to understand, but some of us know of one coping skill. you know what, i better not finish this at all. thank for your encouraging words and trying to help.

Boa, I hope if the coping skill is the one i'm thinking it might be, that you never have to resort to it. But that wasn't going to be my point here...

I wanted to thank you for putting the situation in a way that I think a lot of people (who haven't personally been suicidal, or maybe even who have) might not understand about those who consider or choose suicide.

Funny, I considered it once (and honestly think the only reason I didn't go through with it was a complete despondency and lack of will to even do that at the moment) but I didn't even realize what I was feeling until I lost my mom to suicide.

And even then, I didn't really get it.

It took me a year later to realize that she constantly felt pain. She didn't want her life to end. She just wanted the pain to end. Just the pain.

I wish more people knew this... because then if someone was contemplating suicide, they wouldn't delude themselves by thinking "well I can tell she doesn't want to die... so she won't do it", but that's not the case. My mom didn't want to die, either. But she sure didn't want to feel any more pain. We unfortunately didn't find her solution in time and I misunderstood her signals.

Please stay here in the world with us and tell more people what you just told us in this world. That's the single most enlightening and clearly spoken explaination I've ever seen. I know I would have done anything for it 6 years ago. You're a blessing.

just three