The only consistency is my inconsistency. (Possibly Trig?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adam, Jan 10, 2014.

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  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Well in a short time I find out if my advanced directive kicks in, because frankly I am so mixed up right now I have no clue. A few days ago I could barely grasp canned soup instructions. The next I am having a thrilling debate with a member about essentially the nature of reality and absolutes for much of the night. At other points I am so angry I feel like murdering certain specific people in cold blood, then my anger evaporates and is replaced with why am I even bothering to be angry? So I become placid and still like a zombie that only wants to play Starbound and not think. Then I feel like taking on the injustices of the world and helping people to a better state of well being and mental strength, writing lengthy things that I rarely finish. Even though the typing stops the content runs without me and I find I just spaced for several hours considering what to write but have now forgotten everything. Only to later feel like everything is impossible and I should just stay in bed and not bother any way. Just sit back eat popcorn and watch the world reap what it sows; maybe hopefully even burn. I go from out right complete dedication to suicidal plotting to the point it is like a dress rehearsal, minus what is required. To what the fuck are you doing life is not overly horrific right now, work on the indie game begins soon now that we have settled on the Unity engine, how exciting! I feel so all over the place I feel like a flickering light bulb, that can't decide if it is going to blow up spectacularly in a shower of glass taking some ones eye out, or fizzle completely into a withered filament that needs a specialist team to replace the bulb. Either way the result is pretty much the same. It is such a tearing pressure in my skull.

    I can't even decide how I view hospitalisation or not. Hospital means some pretty sweet hardcore go to sleep Adam drugs. Not worrying about the complexities of soup for a while, and seeing my psychiatrist of ten years again who knows me well enough I trust her implicitly. But then there is the curse of people and nurses and rattling keys in the night. Along with my nemesis who makes comments like, 'are you back for your holiday?' Much rather go to the Bahamas you stupid bitch, thanks! If this were a hotel I would complain about tepid showers and unwanted guests and food so bland that I am thinking they ripped the recipes from Nut loaf served in a prison punishment block. That is all right though I am sure a few of the other clients can all chip in and get takeaway and talk about how fucked up everything is and swollen ankles.

    Nurse Holiday has other powers other than goading me into wanting to see what her nose looks like broken. With such amazing powers as mind reading and xray vision that rivals that of superman as she manages to keep it going for months. She should also get in the business of writing fiction as that is what my fucking notes look like. God I hate her, do your job woman, stop pretending your working. Then there is boredom and groups, groups that make feel like I am four and stupid and stick crayons up my nose. Some groups are kinda good though, art with tremors is not one of them.

    Non hospitalisation means they have no beds more than likely and I am not quite yet murderous enough and have yet to acquire the means. So its not worth pissing off management by forcing a bed free. It also means crisis team showing up repeatedly engaging in 'No care in the community' Whilst telling me to have a nice cup of tea, as if that will solve this pressure in my head and my hoover becoming some sort of demented shadow thing that wants to eat my soul. Funny that I would be so afraid of that whilst also aware there is no solid evidence of a soul in the first place and that it is psychosis distortions overlayed on a solid object, but the fear is still fear regardless of attempts at logic. I may give them their tea along with all the boiling water in the kettle. Pretty sure that will fast track me to a secure unit and criminal charges. The bonus of staying out is access to more Starbound and truly caring people on this site that will likely tolerate my plummet into the embarrassingly pathetic and unrecognisable. Then when the crisis team finally realise I have already crossed the event horizon it will be too late as I tell them to fuck off. Would you look at that a bed is now available when I don't even want it or even care to try.

    I grow so weary because these various experiences repeat year after year, starting to think Nurse Holiday should give me some frequent flyer miles so I can actually go to the Bahamas. Its all so tiresome. I can make jokes but the agony of the same shit over and over again... It is like watching myself dying aware the best bits of me are fading and there is nothing I can do about it. Just hope I do not upset too many people and that I come out the other side. Or it ends at last, no more fighting myself, damn I like that idea. No wonder the lifetime suicide rate for Bipolar is so high. How many more air miles before enough is enough...

    I have packed this suitcase a half a dozen or more times, and it just gets old.
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Adam,

    :freehug:

    I just want you to know that I am holding you in my thoughts and heart and that I'll be there to talk to whenever you are able to talk or whenever you want to. I am sorry this has all come down on you, but in some ways, it sounds as if possibly, even you know it may be for the best. I know you are scared. I know you really hate what is happening.... but I just want you to know, you're not alone. Please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe, no matter how this turns out.... I'll be here to talk to. Take care! *hugs*
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Totally hear ya on this stance. I do feel that way on different days. I am getting to the point where I cannot read instructions or things are overwhelming for me to do when I'm fully capable of not following driections and figuring out how things work on my own while other days I read instructions and it might as well be in gibberish as I get mad over how they wrote it as something is missing and I can't get to what I needed to do. Hang in there, its frustrating and anger is like a fireball in some of us just ready to let loose.

    My quick question: is there another hospital where Nurse H does not work at? Or is she all in your head?
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    there is so much dark humour here, i loved that first time we spoke.
    whether you go or not, i wish you some inner peace sincerely...
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It sounds like you are probably having a mixed episode, which you and I both know is not good news. I'm not going to lie when I say I really think hospital is the best place for you at the moment, because I believe it will be the safest for you and it eventually help you stabilise. I know it's not the most appealing of options, but probably the best for you in the long run. You are too valuable to lose, and I could not bear to lose you as a friend. :hug: If nurse bitch is going to antagonise you, make sure you write down each comment, what she says and at what time and insist if she is going to be in your presence you would like another staff member there.
     
  6. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Seems it is the path of the Event Horizon.
     
  7. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    Do you mean Starbound the game? That game is awesome really helps me when I'm down. I hope you get better soon Adam, you seem like a pretty cool dude and you have a wicked sense of humour:D
     
  8. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Yes Starbound the game that is still in early access but is so enjoyable I have sunk more hours into it than is maybe healthy. I would show you my moon base of many floors with sweet observatory but it has been wiped as if all those hours of creation meant nothing. No matter I shall build again but my starting world seems to be made of lava and obsidian. Kind of seems like a sad allegory of my life actually.

    As another blow to the psyche, any hope I had of resuming my former employment has died a death. My semi professional life is over as I know it. I can volunteer still but as they have let people go there is no coming back from my hiatus. It is over, I can see no future in staying on either. There is no chance of my CV getting anywhere in a hostile job market that has no tolerance for nut jobs and their need for 'reasonable adjustment.' My only recourse is to work for myself.

    I am working towards building a business now. But my father just views it as me being manic and has trashed what meagre confidence I had. I know he does not mean it in a derogatory way that he is just being protective. But still having everything I do be some expression of illness gets pretty damn invalidating after a while.
     
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