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The only option left??????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fallen angel, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. fallen angel

    fallen angel Member

    For a few weeks now, all I can think is that there are no solutions to where I find myself. I had a turbulent break up from a guy I had been with all through uni. We moved back to my parents house after i graduated form uni because he said unless we moved away from maidstone it would tear us appart. I got depressed as soon as we got back to exeter (partly because i had had a very traumatic experience before going to uni and i was back where it happened, and i had moved further away from london, which is where i could have furthered my career) This was all last year. i stayed depressed until he moved out when i sort of pulled myself together, got a part time job and stated to socialise a bit. `We hadn't split up but i started seeing a couple of other guys.

    I thought i fell in love with this guy andy, he has bipolar and i havent been able to cope now he is on a down. i moved in with him and it was great, but it's out inthe countryside, and i'm used to living in cities and i got really isolated

    everything is such a mess. i'm still in love with my ex. i dont know what to do about my new partner. he really helped my creativity when he was on an up and i really thought this was the fresh start i needed and i did really fall in love with him.

    now i'm on my own at my parents house. I got no confidence to go out and get a job. i lost two jobs i had at the start of the year and i can't get a good reference to get employed again. loads of my stuff is out at andys house. i got debts to pay. i got tatoos on my forearms that will prob put employers off too, they would be fine in the creative industry, but not for shop work etc.

    i've closed down inside. i put a belt around my neck the other day. and all i keep on saying to myself is die. someone kill me. kill me. my body looks much older than 26 too. really saggy. i dont have smart or warm clothes. i've researched methods for days an weeks. did this last year too. this time i've started to think about poisons.

    unless i suddenly find some magic i think this year could reallly be the end. why have i ended up so weak. ?????????????? i miss being ok, getting up and being somebody, having somthing to do. i need somebody
  2. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm sorry things are so hard. We're all here for you.
  3. fallen angel

    fallen angel Member

    I really want to be dead. no more pain. no more worries. no more decissions
  4. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're stuggling fallen angel. There is no easy answer. often misery begets misery. If you can I'd recommend trying to get far far away for a few days, - a change of scenery, give you time to think a bit.

    The problems you mention are not insurmountable. its winter, wear long sleeves to cover tattoos. Tattoos don't attract the same stigma they used to, unless you've got something particularly risqué.

    it's nearly christmas, a lot of places are looking for temporary staff, does it have to be shop work? the Royal Mail might need temporary post(wo)men so that's always an option worth exploring. What are your skills?

    as for not having warm clothes, you may have to swallow your pride and look in charity shops. I'm sure you're not as 'saggy' as you make out. Anyway your partner should love you for *who* you are, not what you look like

    if you need to talk, am always happy to listen any time

    take care
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I can understand the urge to kill yourself but please don't. After all, it's not the answer. And as Kenny said, there are options for you. You just have to look for them, seek them out. It's hard but you will beat this and get through this tough time. We are all here for you :hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Angel,
    You sound like a very loving person. Don't let this drag you down. I know about greiving for your mate. It takes a little time but you can get over him. As far as your ex goes there is nothing wrong with just being friends. I would reccomend going back to school and focus on that for awhile.
    As far as tatoo's go quite a few people have them and it doesn't effect their work ethics. Hell here in Florida everyone wears shorts and light tops. They have tatoos and you see alot of older women getting them.
    I hope you find peace with yourself soon!! Have you moved back to the city? You just need to get back in the sceam of things. Meet new people, go for nice walks to get fresh air and to clear your mind. I really wish the best for you. You also will meet friends here on the forum. Take Care!~Joseph~
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