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The only real choice.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soon, Oct 16, 2008.

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  1. Soon

    Soon Member

    This may be a bit lengthy and obscure…

    As I think on my usual feelings about death lately, I find myself filled with a great deal more anger than usual. I find a lot of it is directed at my parents; and other parents in general (no offense if you are one).

    I think about what a complete and utter act of hubris it is to bring a child into the world; the self-serving perpetuation of one’s own genetic code; no thought given to what happens if that child grows up at odds with their own existence. How can you justify your own petty desire to have a family in the face of that kind of suffering? I don’t think you can.

    Of course, it’s a complete crapshoot. No parent could know if that’s how their child may grow up. They might be perfectly content. However, for those like me, who feel something in their gut that tells them their life is nothing but a cruel and painful joke, it’s difficult not to hate your own parents.

    I’ve had these feelings all my life. And as I approach age 27, I can no longer fool myself into believing that I’ll ever been rid of them. I was born with them, I’ve lived with them, and I’ll die with them. The only difference is that instead of being forced to live on someone else’s terms, I can die on my own.

    I can forego the continued, endless, pointless grind of every day. I can escape the inevitable descent into senility that practically every member of my family has faced in their waning years.

    I can go away, because it is the only genuine choice I will ever make.

    Can anyone relate to this? :mellow:

    Thanks for reading my ramblings,
  2. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    I can definitely relate, I've gotten really pissed at my parents for having me just so they can feel good and bring some joy to their own lives when they weren't even competent to raise me and most of my life has been confusion and sadness. I see people who are in their fifties or sixties who aren't very happy and I wonder how they made it so far without just giving up much much earlier; I like the idea of going out early and "leaving a good-looking corpse". I think part of this is that I have so much potential and I'd rather that people always think of me as a 25 year old who could have done so much, than to be a 60 year old who never lived up to all that promise. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of not LIVING, going through life but regretting everything I didn't do.

    As far as children, I never used to want kids. Then there was this split second when a girl I really really liked was looking at a toddler and smiled and then looked at me, and ever since I've never been the same. Unlike most people, I'm not under the illusion that bringing a living being into the world is some kind of selfless act, I know it's completely selfish (you can't bring happiness to someone who doesn't even exist yet). However, it's not something to do casually and to just wing it. Before I have kids I'm going to dedicate myself to learning as much as I can about their proper care and development. I'm going to communicate with them as much as possible so I KNOW them, because my parents barely know me. I'm going to teach them everything I know about survival and success, help them cultivate their interests and achieve their goals, be at the point where I am now (at 25) when they're 10. To be me with even more confidence and none of the hangups.
  3. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I feel bad for my parents, I can tell they were confused miserable fucks, then they brought me into this world and were still confused miserable fucks, and I can tell my life sucked and their life sucked and they probably regretted having me at many times

    Now I am older and pretty much fucked and a waste of life and I have more or less told my parents off, but deep down I think I feel sorry for them because I know how much it sucks being a confused miserable fuck and I am pretty much fucked and I could imagine what a burden I am especially to my father who has always been a confused miserable fuck he just doesnt know how to show it, for my parents sake I wish I had made some different decisions or told them off 1 years ago when I started to realize how much I hated them or hated being around them

    I really feel sorry for my family, but especially my dad, I can tell he is just miserable and doesnt know how to show it, he has told me more or less I should probably some how appreciate life in my own way, he just has a hard time saying it, he has also given me some decent advice which I have ignored, he probably should have been more forceful or compassionate or whatever

    I really pity him because now I am fucked and more or less relient on him and I can tell what a burden I am

    God damn I wish I can go back a few years

    But yea, I think it is normal to hate your parents in some way, but I dont think parents intentionally try to hurt their kids, they are just products of this cruel world and grow up in a cruel culture or brainwashing they themselves have learned as kids, if I would have had a kid instead of got a dog 8 years ago I probably would have been arrested for child abuse or my kid would have grown up hating me
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2008
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    How can we really blame our parents for having us, unless they were truly bad parents. The whole point of marriage is to have sex and have children. If you don't have children or adopt children, then why even bother getting married? Having children is a very selfless act because you have to love and care for your children. No one can know if their children will turn out depressed/suicidal when they grow up. Most children turn out ok.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that this is the view you have on the world, but you are entitled to feel how you do. I don't view having children as a way of preserving one's genetic code. If that were the case, why would people be willing to adopt children and love them as if they were their own? They would share none of the genetic makeup of the asoptive parents. Not all children have messed up lives or suffer. Some do, but that is not necessarily the fault of the parent. Environmental factors can play in to it as well as social things. Having children is not for everyone and I am glad you recognize that you may be one of those people. I do hope you make the choice to continue living. :hug:
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