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The only reason I haven't offed myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by bambam, Sep 14, 2011.

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  1. bambam

    bambam Member

    is the fear of not making to heaven to be with my wife and infant daughter. If someway some how I could be told to fear God I'd let that <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> do the work I can't do. I feel like Jobe in the Bible. Satan has hit me time and time again as God sits back and laughs his ass off. Well u know what I'm about to say screw you God and roll the dice. You haven't helped me any at all and now when you take the only thing worth living this F'ed up life for from me I'm to trust you? F U God, F U and your Virgin Mother *****.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2011
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you've had so much suffering in your life

    You might be able to get better though, and find something in life that makes it worth living

    I don't think that god is necessarily to blame here. I don't know for sure if there is a god or not, but if there is, and god is good, he certainly loves you and doesn't want you to suffer

    It's interesting that you mention the trials of Jobe. In that bible story, he is hit with many trials and hardships, but eventually, god restored everything that was taken away from him

    I don't know if things will get better for you soon, but I that maybe they could

    do you want to talk more about your situation, what you've done to try to get better?

    we might be able to help

  3. bambam

    bambam Member

    When she died I had the Cops take all my guns because I'll do it right the 1st time trust me. After getting her headstone placed in a few weeks I'm gonna get half way thru a gallon of Jack and a couple Vics then <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. No more pain, No more listening to people tell time heals all wounds, no more hearing friends saying "we're here for you" but no one calls or comes by I wished I <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> right now. Thinking of driving to Walmart and getting one tonight. All red eyed with tears running down my tired and lonely face I wonder if they'd sell me one? About time to find I think.:sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2011
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Bambam, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife and child. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. It seems too hard to bear when we lose loved ones. I'm sorry your friends have not called or been around to see you as much as you have needed them. You can always come here and you will find lots of support. Please keep yourself safe - stay alive so that you are honoring your wife and child's memories. I wish I could ease your pain. Please know that I'm thinking about you. :hug:
  5. Fire_N_Ice

    Fire_N_Ice Member

    BamBam, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife and child, that is truly horrible. My son died May 2, 2011 when I was 38 weeks pregnant. He was perfect and healthy but had an umbilical cord accident. Everyday I want to die to be with him but I *cannot* let myself give up. You shouldn't either. I don't know why these bad things happen but I do know we are suppose to go on and keep living life the best we can. PM me if you'd like to talk more...
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Bambam i'm so sorry for the loss of your wife and child
    my heart goes out to you..your pain must be indescribable
    I lost my son to suicide so have some understanding of your grief
    when I don't think I can go on anymore I remember my son and want his memory to stay alive..that's all I can do for him now....so I stay 'in his memory'
    unfortunately people seem to leave us when we need them the most in our grief
    this happened to me too
    this forum is a great place to come and talk..i hope you'll find some comfort here as I have
    are you getting some professional help? therapy? phsychologist? maybe a support group?
    please take care and keep reaching out for support *hug*
  7. foundit

    foundit Member

    I just posted a reply to another post telling that poster about how I daily yelled at the top of my voice at god, similar stuff to you

    Ill post what I said there below again, in case u want to discuss further

    HI swimmergirl

    I saw your post title and had to reply (hopefully the admins will post this cos Im a new member so I have to wait till they ok my posts)

    I have been where you are - so much so ,there were times I would be begging god to help me or show me who he was - usually in the early hours of the morning as I pondered the lonilessness and pointlessness of life in general - times when I just felt desolate - and desperate for someone, something, anything to pull me out of the place I was in - but it seemed no one was hearing me

    followed by times where I was literally screaming out (at the top of my voice I kid you not - what my neighbours thought I dont want to consider)
    I screamed at god most days (sometimes more than once), things like "f-k you god you f--king c--nt I f--king hate you, f-k you, what the f-k did i ever do to you, what kind of a f--kwit are you how can you calaim to be a loving god when all you've done is sh-t on me, well you can take all your cr-p and shove it cos i F--KING HATE YOU" etc etc

    I was beyond angry at god ...

    felt like I just could not win, no matter what I did - and was all his fault and why did he get such a kick out of making me f--king miserable why couldnt he give me a f-king break for just 2 bloody seconds...etc etc what kind of god was he if he had nothing better to do than torture me when my life already sucked...etc etc

    I used to wonder what Id done, that god felt the need to shit on me from a great height. It felt like constantly life would crap on me - and as god controlled it all then it must be him doing it.
    that made me angry
    but also reinforced how I felt - after the raging Id think - if this god the christians say loves everyone - even he cant be f--ked with me, then what does that say about me, maybe I should just make everyone happy and f--k off out of here (meaning life)

    I felt as though I had not been born an unhappy sad person, and had no desire to be that - but it was impossible to get anywhere or have any happiness - not just that I was invisible or unimportant - I was also actually hateful in the eyes of the world.

    If there is a swear word invented - Ive called God it.

    I'm here in the hope I can help someone else who is feeling the way I felt then.
    Much of my story is very personal and private to me, and i am not going to post it here for that reason, but if you or anyone else wishes to hear it, or chat more, drop me a line.

  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it sounds like you and your wife loved each other a whole lot. If she could speak to you now, I think she would want you to try to live, at least try to get some help

    so maybe that would be worthwhile, consider what it is that your wife would say to you now if she could
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