I don't want to want to kill myself. I'm just in so much pain, and the only thing that seems to make it a little better is reassuring myself that death is an option. I find myself planning over and over again exactly how, when, and where I'd kill myself. They're ugly thoughts, but for some reason, they bring some relief. For whatever reason, everyone from my therapist to the people on the suicide hotline seem to relax when I tell them that I don't have everything I need to carry out my plan. Apparently, they're unclear on the fact that all I have to do is go to the store. I won't be more specific out of respect for people who don't need to see suicide methods "advertised," but it annoys me that a mentally ill person armed with a search engine has a better idea of how these things work than a person with suicide prevention training. I suppose I could grab my therapist by the lapels and say, "Do you have any idea how serious I am? Put me in the ****ing hospital NOW." I may yet do that. I've been hospitalized multiple times and I find it miserable, but fighting the urge to kill myself is starting to exhaust me. I'm posting here because professionals seem not to be getting it, and I don't want to lay my problem on the doorstep of family or friends. They already have enough grief to deal with without me calling up and saying, "O hai, I think of nothing but suicide all day. And you?" To those of you who read this, thank you for listening.