The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking of suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silverpuddle, Oct 16, 2010.

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  1. Silverpuddle

    Silverpuddle Some kind of geek SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't want to want to kill myself.

    I'm just in so much pain, and the only thing that seems to make it a little better is reassuring myself that death is an option. I find myself planning over and over again exactly how, when, and where I'd kill myself. They're ugly thoughts, but for some reason, they bring some relief.

    For whatever reason, everyone from my therapist to the people on the suicide hotline seem to relax when I tell them that I don't have everything I need to carry out my plan. Apparently, they're unclear on the fact that all I have to do is go to the store. I won't be more specific out of respect for people who don't need to see suicide methods "advertised," but it annoys me that a mentally ill person armed with a search engine has a better idea of how these things work than a person with suicide prevention training.

    I suppose I could grab my therapist by the lapels and say, "Do you have any idea how serious I am? Put me in the ****ing hospital NOW." I may yet do that. I've been hospitalized multiple times and I find it miserable, but fighting the urge to kill myself is starting to exhaust me.

    I'm posting here because professionals seem not to be getting it, and I don't want to lay my problem on the doorstep of family or friends. They already have enough grief to deal with without me calling up and saying, "O hai, I think of nothing but suicide all day. And you?"

    To those of you who read this, thank you for listening.
  2. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    Well I feel the same way as you every day now. I wake up in agony and the first thought is usually one of suicide.

    I woke up today and immediately I thought how great it would be to take myself out. Then I lay there in pain because I have no life and no reason for being, it's sad.

    I doubt I'll last another month the way things are going.
  3. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    For month's I felt very similar. I wanted to die, but did not at the same time and always having that but I could if I wanted was a comfort.
  4. philecon

    philecon New Member

    I have been going through the same process over and over and I know it can be very exhausting. Maybe you should look at it in a symbolic way perhaps these thoughts are coming to you as a sign that you really need a break. Take some time off. Stop pressuring yourself. I think that having these thoughts and actually getting a plan set off is one thing and I do not challenge the fact that you can do it but what's there to prove? If you are having this thoughts over and over but you don't want to want to suicide then I believe you would rather like to end these thoughts. I do not believe that this is going to happen overnight but you need to question yourself in a sober way why are you getting them. What is that is making you life unhappy and what can you change to make it better. I know it's hard and it will probably grab you again and again. Just take notice of the progress you make. Like perhaps you get these thoughts but they are not idealized they are rather something you start to feel tired about. Change something in your life if you have the courage to commit suicide I am sure you have the courage to do something different. Take a good look at yourself and think of what you really like to do. It is your thoughts you can be in handle of the wheel. You have the power I know you do. Yeah it is true that sometimes therapists do not seem to solve the problems as one would expect or do not take you seriously or whatever but you have to be very aware that it is you who is in charge here. You have it in you. I think that it is very positive that you express your feelings and anxiety in a place like this were you can actually be understood by others who feel similarly. I wake up with this feelings too I did today. I know what I need to do to get it done. I might do it but if I came here is because I recognize the issue and also because I sorted out the issues in my life. Those that I can change and those that are not in my control, some of them stay in between. The only thing is that you have another way out of your situation and that is in your hands. Which road will you rather take? I hope I can talk to you soon enough and that these thoughts leave you alone for a couple days so that you can get to something else. But if you need anything I came here for help but I am more than willing to hear your ideas or just talk about issues in life. You have my support.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    going to the hospital might be a good option. you could demand that your therapist put you in, but you can also put yourself in by calling 911 or showing up at the emergency room.

    not all therapists are good therapists, and not all therapists are a good match. if you really don't think that your therapist is taking you seriously, maybe you could get a new one.

    hope that you make it through this and I'm glad that you are at least trying to make things better.
  6. niccos16

    niccos16 New Member

    I definitely understand what you mean. We all love being assured that there is an easy way out of everything, including life. But obviously, this easy way out is one that would be an awful decision. Your mind does not want to go through difficulty creating an actual solution to the problem, and that's why you have to push yourself a little bit. The hospital is a good makeshift solution to your problems, but they can make your problems worse sometimes. You may be physically incapable of killing yourself there, but then you might say to yourself "wow, I'm in the hospital...again". Remember that the fact that you've survived this long means you're a strong person. From what you said you seem like a mentally strong individual that's lost a bit of hope due to a tough situation. Just remember that the human mind can overcome any problem with positive thinking. Positive thinking is tough for a lot of us, but that's what therapists and posters on this board are here to help you with. Positive thinking is really all it is. Your mind is strong enough to change your way of thinking, never forget that.
  7. Silverpuddle

    Silverpuddle Some kind of geek SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks everybody for your comments.

    I think I will go into the hospital as soon as I can get my pet cared for and the house in shape to be left for a little while.

    With luck, they won't have to keep me all that long.
  8. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    I'm planning on going inpatient as well, come this monday.

    Good luck
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