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The only way out

adamjam

Well-Known Member
#1
I feel as if suicide is the only answer. Back in April after 5yrs of marriage I moved all my husband's things into the garage and changed the locks he was emotionally and financially abusive. I got a job at a grocery store and was required to wear a face mask, which caused me to have horrendous flashbacks of childhood abuse. I had gone through life not remembering any of it, now however the floodgates have opened, I ended up walking out on my job which is very unlike me as I used to enjoy working. My friends have given up on me, I tried reconnecting with a few but they never contact me. To top it off my cat crawled under the house and died and he was my only friend and source of comfort, its pathetic I know but such is my life. I'm just waiting for this <mod edit - timeline> as I can't have them find me, but I do feel as if they would be better off without me, I'm a crappy mom and barely able to take care of them, just the basics of feeding and changing diapers. I'm supposed to be homeschooling but I cant even do that. They deserve better then I can give. I've been cutting trying to get some relief but it's not really working so well.Sorry if this doesn't make any sense just tired of holding it all in
 
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Sad Elf

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi,

Welcome to the forum, this is a really good forum you will find lots of supportive people.

It sounds like you have been through alot, and the remembering of childhood abuse, is a huge thing to cope with, without all the other stuff going on in the world.

I think you are being very hard on yourself and I would urge you to use this site for help and support.

I am not very good at the advise side of things, but just wanted you to know someone had read your post and was thinking of you.

Take care
Elf
 

Legate Lanius

Well-Known Member
#3
I'm sure having a crappy mom is better than a dead one, especially if you haven't gotten past the diaper stage yet. You can find another job that you will enjoy doing and perhaps also a partner and new friends if you stay alive. Ignore the cat and homeschooling for now. Please keep letting us know how you're doing on here. What goes down must come up.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi @adamjam, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You always have a place here, for advice support or just a place to find someone who will listen. Suicide is not the answer, I'm sure you already know that. You are your children's mom, no one else in the world can step into your shoes and no one can ever replace you in their hearts. It doesn't matter what age they are, they will forever look for answers, forever blame themselves or wonder if anything they did made you want to leave them. Only you think you are a crappy mom. You sound pretty strong to me - you threw your husband out and you got yourself a job! Be proud of how you protected yourself and your children. Seriously. Friends are notoriously fickle, don't judge your value on what other people do. I'm a cat lover and I do understand that pain. You can still love your cat and bring a new one into your life. They really do help. Now you are out of that abusive relationship work on yourself and your children. You are a strong person, you just need time to see that. Basics like changing diapers and feeding are not just basic things, they are very important. I don't know about homeschooling but I had to try and teach my children for a few months one time and it was really tough! It does sound like you need therapy to go through your childhood abuse. I don't know how old your youngest is but maybe you have post natal depression or maybe hormones are also playing a part? When you are in the middle of the storm it can be hard to see what is happening but it will pass. The best mom you can possibly be is just being there. I find it helps just to write out things here so don't worry what anyone thinks, use this forum and you will get through this.
 

adamjam

Well-Known Member
#6
I'm sure having a crappy mom is better than a dead one, especially if you haven't gotten past the diaper stage yet. You can find another job that you will enjoy doing and perhaps also a partner and new friends if you stay alive. Ignore the cat and homeschooling for now. Please keep letting us know how you're doing on here. What goes down must come up.
I had crappy parents, look how I turned out
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#8
I feel as if suicide is the only answer. Back in April after 5yrs of marriage I moved all my husband's things into the garage and changed the locks he was emotionally and financially abusive. I got a job at a grocery store and was required to wear a face mask, which caused me to have horrendous flashbacks of childhood abuse. I had gone through life not remembering any of it, now however the floodgates have opened, I ended up walking out on my job which is very unlike me as I used to enjoy working. My friends have given up on me, I tried reconnecting with a few but they never contact me. To top it off my cat crawled under the house and died and he was my only friend and source of comfort, its pathetic I know but such is my life. I'm just waiting for <mod edit - timeline> as I can't have them find me, but I do feel as if they would be better off without me, I'm a crappy mom and barely able to take care of them, just the basics of feeding and changing diapers. I'm supposed to be homeschooling but I cant even do that. They deserve better then I can give. I've been cutting trying to get some relief but it's not really working so well.Sorry if this doesn't make any sense just tired of holding it all in
Hi @adamjam . Firstly, I want to say I think you're brave for leaving your marriage. So many women can't because they're been so beaten down physically, emotionally, sexually and financially. I dont want to make you feel worse but when I read your post I see a strong person, a mother that's good enough. Theres so much stress to survive. I really do understand. And having children, you are at the mercy of their moods. It's no easy task. It really is a miracle to get through it all. And I hate to say it, but dont be surprised that "friends" dint reach out. My feeling on that. People are so wrapped up in their own lives they forget about how hard it is for the single mom, especially one that has gone through trauma. How about a damn phone call or offering to get together for a cup if coffee? It would mean the world. Nope. We have to just take it minute by minute some days.

I care about you as one mother of 4 to another. Please be safe. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're only human. Give yourself some credit, please. PM me.

I hope that you'll stay around here on this nice forum. Theres lots of good topics. How old are your children? The mask thing is hard at work. Are you looking again or taking a break?
 
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adamjam

Well-Known Member
#10
Hi @adamjam . Firstly, I want to say I think you're brave for leaving your marriage. So many women can't because they're been so beaten down physically, emotionally, sexually and financially. I dont want to make you feel worse but when I read your post I see a strong person, a mother that's good enough. Theres so much stress to survive. I really do understand. And having children, you are at the mercy of their moods. It's no easy task. It really is a miracle to get through it all. And I hate to say it, but dont be surprised that "friends" dint reach out. My feeling on that. People are so wrapped up in their own lives they forget about how hard it is for the single mom, especially one that has gone through trauma. How about a damn phone call or offering to get together for a cup if coffee? It would mean the world. Nope. We have to just take it minute by minute some days.

I care about you as one mother of 4 to another. Please be safe. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're only human. Give yourself some credit, please. PM me.

I hope that you'll stay around here on this nice forum. Theres lots of good topics. How old are your children? The mask thing is hard at work. Are you looking again or taking a break?
Thank you for that.
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#12
thanks everyone for the replies and support I have never used something like this before nor am I used to getting support I'm not sure how to take it
We're just trying to tell you the truth. And that can sometimes be especially helpful when whatever inner dialogue is going on in our own minds is distorted, or incorrect. :) (Or absent from others' altogether in our own daily lives!)
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#13
. . . I think that getting a job at the grocery store would be just about the hardest thing on Earth! (I could do - or try to... ) right now. For real :)
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#14
What @BlueGreen said is so good! As well as @Lane - & everyone! ; ) I could sit here for a hundred years and not come up with, (n)or write a better bit of advice... Never having gone through 'Motherhood,' Or 'Fatherhood,' for that matter- :^) Kindest regards imaginable left right here. For you!
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#15
Hey @adamjam It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I'm sorry to hear of your loss of your job and your cat. Being emotionally connected to an animal is not pathetic. Animals can give us comfort, and we can get attached to them easily. Speaking of being attached, your children are attached to you whether you realize that or not. And your children will always need you. My sister took her life, and her daughter misses her more than anything. My sister just couldn't see how much her daughter needed her. Remember as long as you're alive there is always hope things can turn around. If you die, that hope is gone. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 

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