The other side of therapy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kirovski22, Jun 11, 2013.

  1. Kirovski22

    Kirovski22 Active Member

    I have been in therapy for 5 years (hopefully getting discharged next appointment) but it wasn't plain sailing. Yes, I improved. But my personal identity suffered. I was forced into change out of the fear of getting locked up and was constantly told that it's not right to think the way that I did. Yes I was a sociopath and a bit of a sadist but I knew who I was, had my values and my mind felt clearer and I felt more aware. When I started therapy I got more and more confused about myself and didn't know what to think or feel because I hated being told that my ideals were invalid and wrong and that I had to change. I became more withdrawn, socially awkward, afraid and made reckless decisions based not on what I wanted but on what others wanted because I was told I had to be nicer to people and listen to them.

    When I was self harming they took my blades away, and everybody knows that's one of the worst emotional torments you can do to a self harmer. So I ended up smacking walls, biting myself until my arms were spotted black and green with bruises. Most of all I felt betrayed by the people who were supposed to help me. They were killing me.

    When I eventually changed I felt a little bit happier but it felt more like an artificial happiness that felt like it had been programmed into me by medication. I was more confused than ever and didn't know who I was anymore.

    I started psychological therapy 4 years in. That really messed me up. I felt like they took my values and manipulated them. Not for my personal sake but for the sake of me getting on better in society. They tried to change me when I told them other people were the problem. They said other people wont change for you so you have to change. Why should I change for other people if they wouldn't do the same? I gave up when my psychologist took everything I said and made them into a major problem. Like I said "I don't think I should change for other people they wouldn't do the same" and he said "So you think you're better than other people and reckon that shouldn't change yet they should all change just for your needs?". I couldn't help but think "I didn't say that" on MANY occasions so I left.

    After that my psychiatrist tried to get me to do group therapies. I refused since I don't do group therapy stuff due to social anxiety and don't like to talk about my problems in a group and that I prefer one to one. She said "is it just because you can't be bothered?". How rude...

    I can't wait to escape them
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if they have not changed you at all inside You still see others as the problem and take no blame on yourself Noone is perfect but to fit in we all must change somewhat i think
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is a very common issue - people say they do not want thing to be the way they are and that they are not happy - but instead of changing things or make attempts at changing they say " I should be able to just be myself" - they neglect to consider that they want to kill themselves and self harm themselves. That would bring the logical conclusion that they do not want things to be the same but are resistant to the changes- through fear, anxiety, lack of social practice so it is uncomfortable, other illness or issues. People want to be different and want things to be different - but they do not want to change. Wellness occurs when the adversity to change starts to be conquered so they can allow themselves to be what they want to be.

    So far as specifics - No, it is not cruel to take away implements of self harm (or suicide) - it is caring and being socially responsible. A crack addict considers it cruel to take away drugs - that does not mean you should not.

    Your therapist may not be a right fit for you - that happens. But if a therapist is not supposed to help you change (if you are seeing a therapist then you want or need to change something it would seem- it is not because you are bored for an hour every Tuesday) then what is their purpose? If they do not try to help you change, see things differently, or adjust your outlook what would be the reason to see them? You do not need to pay somebody to say you are right about everything - lots of "friends" will tell you this right before they stop talking to you anymore.....
  4. Kirovski22

    Kirovski22 Active Member

    I went to them because I thought they could help me but changing has made me more confused about myself and I don't want to change anymore because I feel my mind just can't take it because it's such a difficult process. It's not cruel but it made me want to self harm more because of the pain of them taking them away. I feel they should have talked to me about it first before invading. I don't actually talk to "friends" about anything because I don't involve them with anything I do. I'm a solitary person at heart. I got back to a better place on my own with support from my parents and the counsellor at college. Therapy put me in a difficult place where I constantly thought I was the bad guy. I changed a hell of a lot and my identity and thoughts and feelings suffered for it. I kept seeing them because they didn't deem me stable enough to continue alone