The Pain is Making me Crazy

[FrenchFry]

I live in constant, severe, chronic pain and have since 2008. I've had eight major surgeries and over 50 outpatient surgeries since then. I've had three spinal fusions and have severe nerve damage in my back. I also have bi-lateral hip replacements that leaked metal into my body and had to be revised in 2012 and 2013. I've been at a 9 or 10 on the pain scale for the last ten days. I see my doctor tomorrow. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of it always being there, like my shadow. My evil shadow.

I have been struggling with the idea of taking my own life for quite a while now. I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a bad day. I want to die today. I have a seventeen-year-old son who I would never put through that. I would never do that to him. So I'm stuck here, in constant pain, not wanting to hurt my son.

Things don't get better. They don't change. I can't take it anymore.

 

[Legate Lanius]

You have made the decision to live in order to spare your child the pain of losing a parent at such a young age- you will be able to take it whether you think you will or not. At that level of physical pain you need strong chems to hold back the pain. Morphine or something (I'm not a doctor). Is your doctor giving you a lot of super strong pills? Will the pain go away in the future, can you ask your doctor when the pain might go away? Remember that hope for the future is important in dealing with the pain.

 

[NobodySpecial]

Hi @FrenchFry. Constant pain is horrible. I have some chronic issues but nothing anywhere near a 9 or 10, so I can only imagine what you must be experiencing. I want to thank you and applaud you for your decision to spare your son the anguish of having a parent take their own life. Given the nature of this forum I have to assume that many here have considered ending their own lives, and some of us have even attempted it.

Having been abandoned as a child by my father, and having an emotionally distant mother, I cannot say what I would have given to have had even one parent who would have been there for me when I needed one. Having an adult son, and seeing how often he turns to me for advice, I am glad that I am here for him, and that he does not have the lack of support that resulted in the lack of parents that I had and still have.

I hope your doctor can help you, and again I thank you for making the extremely difficult decision to struggle while searching for some comfort so that your son will not face a lifetime without you. The fact that you "would never do that to him" leads me to believe that his life will be much better with you in it. He is seventeen, and teenagers often do not appreciate the sacrifices that parents make at the time, but he will.

Please stay safe and take care

 

[Dots]

I live in constant, severe, chronic pain and have since 2008. I've had eight major surgeries and over 50 outpatient surgeries since then. I've had three spinal fusions and have severe nerve damage in my back. I also have bi-lateral hip replacements that leaked metal into my body and had to be revised in 2012 and 2013. I've been at a 9 or 10 on the pain scale for the last ten days. I see my doctor tomorrow. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of it always being there, like my shadow. My evil shadow.

I have been struggling with the idea of taking my own life for quite a while now. I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a bad day. I want to die today. I have a seventeen-year-old son who I would never put through that. I would never do that to him. So I'm stuck here, in constant pain, not wanting to hurt my son.

Things don't get better. They don't change. I can't take it anymore.

I can relate. Our pain has different causes but similar pain levels. Mine can remain anywhere from 7-10 for weeks. Can't sleep. Can't think. Can't be. I also consider my pain to be this sinister part of me, like it has grown its own identity. The truth is it harbors its own habitat.

Maybe you don't want to dwell in it, but sometimes it can be nice for others to understand, so if you ever want to talk about it, I'm around. No pressure.

So sorry you've been tortured for so long, especially when you can't confront your torturer, you can't ask for mercy. I try to think that when the pain is okay, at a tolerable level, that's when I am able to say fuck you to my tormentor.

Good luck at the doctors. I hope they have some relief to offer you.

 

[JDot]

Hey @FrenchFry I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I know we can't help with your physical pain. But you'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this

I've had eight major surgeries and over 50 outpatient surgeries since then

That's insane! I've never even heard of anyone having that many surgeries before.

I could try to make some suggestions about pain treatment if you're interested.

Wishing you good things.

 

[1964dodge]

i'm sorry you have to live in such high chronic pain. i live with a different chronic pain and to me 5 is a good day. but i get spikes every night that go from 7 to 9 and rarely 10 so i do understand. try to get adequate pain meds to help you. it's harder to get opioids but you can if it's neccessary. don't ever give up trying to get better.

depression goes with chronic pain as does suicidal thoughts. i have thought of it seriously many times. there are a lot of people here that suffer chronic pain so you aren't alone. anytime you want to talk feel free to use my inbox..mike...

 

[Jezah81]

You're not alone . I have physical chronic pain that gets high from time to time and stops me from enjoying life. Totally understand. At least it sounds like you have a reason for living and pushing on. Focus on that if you can, and live in the now, not tomorrow. Easier said than done, but all we can do is try.