The Pain Is Too Heavy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JayJay, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member


    Imagine working at a place and one of your female colleagues is Gay. At the same time, imagine being in a bad marriage. The gay girl becomes a real friend and you fall in love with her and let her know this. You respect the fact that she is gay and don't push things.

    Over three years, I have loved this girl so much.

    Two months ago, she cut a wrist and has been off on the sick since. then she stopped all contact with me . . . no texts . . . nothing.

    I then find out from someone else that she has gone into a serious relationship with the boss's friend who is a man.

    I've had three years of lies and I'm so hurt. I'm now on anti depressants and have felt sick for three weeks. Waiting list at doctors for councelling and I feel worse with every day. In my mind, I see her with this guy and it hurts so much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2007
  2. t00whomitmayconcern

    t00whomitmayconcern Active Member

    Ya that really sucks. I had a friend who had that done and he made an attept on his life but screwed it up and now its like hes not even human any more. Hes like an animal ya know cant even look his best frinds in the eye.
  3. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    The girl is the boss's younger sister and she has goneinto this relationship with a friend of the boss. I have had this painfully inside of me now for 6 weeks and I walked out of work after just 30 minutes today.

    I can't see anything without seeing htis girl in my mind.

    I wake up, and she is on my mind

    I sleep and she is on my mind

    At night time, In my mind I see her with him

    I wrote letters to family members a week ago and I just feel like doing drink and tablets in my car somewhere. I just need the guts to do this.

    I have nothing left.
  4. Up&down

    Up&down Well-Known Member

    Jay Jay
    Really sorry you feel like this, I'm not sure of you age but I am 44 so have been round for a while, I used to be a bit of a lad but have had my heart broken over the years the last time was exactly the same as you it was absolutley horendous as well as everything you say, my ex wife used to drive passed me with her new toy boy in the car I bought her. I didn't think I would ever get over it but never let her see how much she had hurt me.
    There was no quick way for me to deal with it but it did get easier month by Month, it still hurt but it was managable. Then after about a year I bumped into her I did not flinch and just said Hi and I walked away. Then I knew I was fully over her, I did just glance back and she was in tears, I wish her no harm but I think You and me have had lucky escapes.
    Stay safe, Stay strong, Someone out there will steel your heart just go with the flow and don't let your ex hold you back, the world has loads of caring wonderful ladies go and find yourself one.
    Take good care
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2007
  5. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Thank you Danny. I do hope that this is the case. Kind regards. Jay
  6. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    Hi Jay,

    I had a very similar situation to Danny and the most important thing is not to turn bitter over this experience. My ex-hubby had an affair with a 'younger', 'prettier' model but I heard a year later that they had split up. He came to see me to pick up some tapes he left behind and he looked so ill and apologetic. I felt sorry for him, but I no longer loved him. I was brave enough to say 'no'

    Wake up in the morning and think "I wonder who I'm gonna meet today" and let your mind wander. I do it every day and it gives hope.

    Stay safe and hold your head're worth 100 of her.....
  7. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    To alwaysincrisis, thank you so much for your support. I found out today at work that when she arrives back on 3 Dec, she is likely to be married. This is all too much and so very sudden to me. It is clear that she has been seeing this man for a lot longer period than I ever imagined.

    My work colleagues are trying to talk me out of this and they know that I have been so badly hurt. They know that I have loved this girl for 3 years and that I have been fed nothing but lies. It is so much harder when I work for her brother and that the guy that she is with is her brothers best mate. It is so awkward.

    I just wish that I could remove her from my mind. Perhaps your suggestion of when I wake, to wonder who I could meet today is well woth a try.

    Thank you ever so much alwaysincrisis. Your kind words are so much appreciated.

    Should I come through this, I will not leave this website. I will try to help others as much as you lot are helping me through this.

    x Jay Jay
  8. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member

    JJ -- I know what that pain is like. I, too, have been in love for three years with a woman who does not love me back. It the worst hell imaginable.
  9. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support Livingdeath.

    This evening, I went to church and had confession and spoke to my priest about things. I just want the hurt to go away.
  10. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Damn, that is a horrible situation to be in. I don't know what to tell you... it does sound like she lied, and that's not right. Does she really know how you feel about her though? Does she really understand?
  11. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hello. Thanks for your support. I'm hurt and I hurt so badly. This has been going on for three years and it quite simply kills me. I can't bear facing her at work. I will be off from the 3 Dec till 7th Dec. I go back on the Friday 8 Dec and it is then that I will face her, . . . knowing that she's with another man. Just seeing her will kill me. I can't help but to still love her . . . I really can't help it.

    In just seeing her, I will be hurt that she has been with another man and full on.

    I know that I will not be able to handle it.

    Today I finished work at 5 and arrived back in town at 5.45. I drove straight to church and confession (Catholic) I told my priest that I considered suicide and that it was only my daughter that stopped me. The priest gave me guidance and advice to put a brave face on at work and to be polite with her. It will kill me, it really will. How can I be false with a girl that has told me so many lies over such a long period of time. I sat today at work and wrote my resignation leter to the boss (her brother). It stretches to 9 pages long and details all of the things said to me and text to me. I have no intention of allowing my boss to just see things from his own family side of things. I lit a candle in church and brought a blessed candle home with me for my usual home prayers that I do.

    I am totally crippled by what has happened. It is now 1.40am and it is this time of night that hurts most. I know that they will be together and likely intimate. This thought so hurts me. It really does. Why she could not have told me the truth from the start, I will never know.

    I imagine scenes of today (If she got married as the rumours suggest) the vows, the dress, everything. It make me feel so utterly low.

    I should go to bed. In sleep, I can escape for a little while the pain that I am feeling.

    Thanks for your concern . . . but this is how I am feeling.
  12. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Actually... wouldn't it be better to give her the letter instead of her brother? I mean, it's kind of personal info isn't it? He only really needs to know that you're resigning, not all that personal stuff.

    If you love her, being polite to some extent should come naturally. But that doesn't mean you have no right to be angry or upset. You do. You feel lied to, and you should tell her that. Even if she doesn't take it seriously, at least you'll have been completely honest and more importanly, true to yourself. Trying to pretend that you're fine when you clearly aren't fine is just going to make it even harder on you.

    Try not to think about her with him though. You don't know what they're doing, and imagining things will just make your mind go wild. You'll have to try to make yourself think about something else instead.
  13. Chris Turner

    Chris Turner Member

    that answers it all for me friend. the last 2 years of my 6 year relationship, every ounce of affection I showed to my girlfriend was ignored. she told me that she hated being in the same bed as me (so what do you think I was thinking every night as I laid next to some one I loved to bits? that is what pain is). she constantly told me how I do this wrong, how I do that wrong, told me how bad a boyfriend I was, and I believed her, I changed...... until we fell out again, so I changed and it happened about another 2 times after that, each time more and more heartbreaking than the last, it ended up with me feeling so so small (and I still do). until about 3 weeks ago when she finished with me. she called me at work and gave it the old “I need to talk to you when you get home" crap, I knew what she was going to say so I just made her say it on the phone. I sat crying for about 3 hours, hiding at work.... I couldn’t sleep for about 4 days, just a constant pain keeping me awake, then when I sleep I dreamed about her so when I woke I was fine for about 3 seconds until I realized where I was and what had happened. a few days later I saw her and talked to her, then I began to realize that I didn't want her back, and I’d be ok if I just tried and then the more a thought about it and as every hour passed I realized that everything she ever said bad about me, and the guilt that I have been suffering for years for being so bad to her and treating her like crap, all of it, was all crap..... and she was the one at fault. im not saying im perfect because im far from it, and regardless of how I realized it wasn’t me in the wrong all the time, 2 years of being told your shit and useless and beaten me to a shell of what I used to be, I put on a brave face to everyone, but this is just my amour. inside I still feel like im not good enough for anyone as I’d only end up letting them down all the time..... I know this isn't the case but I just cant stop feeling it.....
    but.............I feel pretty good right now, I realize how good my friends are and how I’ve neglected them over the years, especially my bbf firefighter boyle (or norm as everyone else calls him) I’ve let him down so much over the last year due to my relationship that we just drifted apart, but I vow not to let that happen again as he is my dog and I’m going to be there for him when he needs me. I’ve come closer to a girl who I only vaguely knew in the past, she is absolutely amazing and could make anyone smile (I don’t know how one person can be full of so much energy: p) and I think were going to be really good friends (if she can put up with me lol).... but most importantly I have found myself, and how I used to be before things went shit, and to be honest its pretty ****ing good :) I’ve not been this happy for a long time, yes I still keep feeling crap (like today) but I think its just because im mad I let myself feel so bad for so long and because I let my friends down.

    if that doesn't help. go and rent out happy feet (that does it for me and im a 23st mechanical engineer lol)

    but honestly, just move on. the way I see it, if things are very bad between two people it isn't going to get better; it’s only going to go one way. so cherish the fact that you know how to love someone(because I lot of people don’t) and find some one who will appreciate it :)
  14. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    but honestly, just move on, if things are very bad between two people it isn't going to get better; it’s only going to go one way. so cherish the fact that you know how to love someone(because I lot of people don’t) and find some one who will appreciate it

    Hi Jay Jay!

    thats great advice.........if you can love a girl who is rotton to you just think how much more you can love one who really loves you in return the same way? Not everyone can love and receive love in return so you have a good head start..............Are you gonna let this girl treat you like dirt and let her win by you crashing? Its not her that is causing you to feel misery it is YOU! You cannot change her reaction to you but you can control YOUR reaction to her......Start fighting back! If she is treating you like this now then you have had such a lucky escape my friend.....a relationship with this girl would have lead to much heartache and misery than you are feeling now.

    Take care hon......
  15. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    To Chris and Alwaysincrisis

    Hello. I hope that you are both well. Thank you for so much for your advice and comments. I know fine well that you are both very much right in what you say. If only a Doc could prescribe a forget pill that instantly enables a person to forget someone that broke their heart.

    If Only !

    Yes, it is time that is a healer I suppose and it is also experiences that give us hindsight and wise knowledge for us to use in the future.

    The pain is still very heavy. A bit embarrasing at work today. She has been on sick for three months and today, one of the wheels came off the back of her car whilst she was driving ! Everyone at work is winding me up as if I did it ! I replied quite serious that why would I want to hurt someone that I cared so much for !!!

    Take care.

  16. Chris Turner

    Chris Turner Member

    you've just got to grin + bear it mate :) by all means dont hide it away and let it build up. just be open with your emotions and let time heal.... the only way mate an as you said, experiance for the future. always learn from your mistakes, that way you hopefully wont make them again, or if you do you'll know how to deal with it. as for the banter at work, its only banter mate, don't take it to heart, play along and they will get board.

    peace out man.
  17. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member


    Today, I've felt probably the lowest that I could feel.

    I woke with the girl on my mind . . . as I always do.

    Got to work and was standing outside talking to one of the managers. I looked to my left, aware that someone was passing. For the first time in two months, it was the girl, arrived at work to collect her car. I looked at her, she looked at me for about a second, then just looked ahead and continued to walk past me.

    The manager continued talking . . . His words going over my head. I was just cut to pieces and all of the pain and devastation built up inside me. The manager left and I found a quite remote area of the car park and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

    I just so miss her . . . I really do. All of the lies, the hurt, the devastation, yet I still love her inside out and I miss her so heavily, so deeply.

    It is now 12.30am, and since 10pm, All that I could see in my mind was this girl with her new guy of two months . . . perhaps more. My heart is bleeding and hurts incesantly.

    I do so love her and I so miss her.

    I just existed at work today. Customers I just passed on to colleagues as I couldn't face anyone.

    And so 10 hours at work followed by an hours drive home, I got home. I just feel so empty. It is right now that I simply feel like going to sleep on a long time basis. I can not believe that ***** could ever treat me in this way. She has known for years that I have loved her inside out. I have supported her throughout the hell times of her life as best as I could and as much as she would let me.

    I love her, miss her and just hurt so so much.

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