The pain is too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Somebodysaveme, Feb 7, 2016.

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  1. I don't have anyone to talk to. It's hard to even write about my problem because of how painful it is. I'm on the other side of the world because I tried to escape it. My marriage hasn't been good. We have 2 kids. It'll be 10 years for us on the 21st but it's ending. She kept telling me she wanted to separate but I still loved her more than anything. Everything I did was for her. She would always tell me she was depressed and I would do whatever I could not to upset her. My parents no longer talk to me because I married her. She's all that I have. I thought she really did care about me and we could fix it. But I found out she was cheating on me for over a year. I found this out on Tuesday and finally yelled at her after so many years. I can't believe she would I hurt me like this. I have no one I can even talk to. Anyone I know I don't want tell them because of what they would think of her. I always wanted to go to Japan so I flew out here spur of the moment to escape my pain. But I still love her and I know it's over. I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met her. I always think about the first years we were together because they were the happiest if my life but I've been living in the past for so long. It's 3am here. I can't sleep. And the pain in my chest is too much to bear. All the rushing around to go on this trip and traveling here distracted me from my pain. I want to jump out my window to end this. She was the only one I could open up too. As I cry I keep begging in my mind for someone to help me. She wanted to drop me off at the airport so the kids could say bye. When she dropped me off she hugged me and kissed me in way she hasn't for so long. I hated that she did because I loved it. I feel like I'm going to die from a broken heart. Please help me
  2. vincali

    vincali Member

    I understand to some extent what you're going through. I'm too young to have been married and have a life within a family but feeling like you're going to die from a broken heart is familiar to me. Your life is not over. It seems like it is right now and it may even seem like that for a long time but somehow in someway you're going to feel so much better. I can't say when that is but it's going to happen. You're going to feel happy again and don't you want to wait it out until that happens again? The world isn't fair, I've learned that. Mending other relationships around you might help. All you need is hope and i'm telling you that there's more than enough hope for me and you and everyone else on this forum. Pain is inevitable which means you're not alone. Wait for a better day to come, please.
    Persephone2 likes this.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Sometimes a breakup can feel like a death - a death of a life you knew and wanted is not an easy thing to deal with. I am sorry that you hurt so badly; I completely understand being in so much pain that you would do anything to make it stop. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but there is a future for you and once the pain goes away a little bit you will start to realise that you deserve to be with someone who works as hard to make you happy as you worked to make her happy.

    I am sorry that she hurt you so badly - things do get better *hugs* keep talking to us!
    vincali likes this.
  4. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling. My wife cheated on me, too, and I left and divorced her. We had 2 small kids. That was 19 years ago. A lot happened in my life since then, but I never got over it. I wish I had stayed with her and waited out the affair.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    @Somebodysaveme - if she has been asking to separate for a while then she has already been gone for a while. While it is admirable to make sure that every possibility is exhausted, it is also necessary to see when it is. If she treated you "like you really missed" at the airport it is because you had finally listened to her needs and wishes again and she thought you were moving on as she had made clear was what she wanted/needed. While some never get over it , ultimately that is a choice. Choosing to hold onto something that is no longer there doe snot make it there or bring it back, it just leaves you stuck in the past while everything else in the world moves on- and make no mistake it takes effort to keep yourself in the past- you have to dedicate hours to concentrating and remembering things and to do that have to lose focus of many important things going on around you every day.

    When I divorced it really sucked- very very bad- that said was recently at my daughters wedding and say at the same table with my new wife and my ex with her new husband and all got along great and had a a great time enjoying our accomplishment together of bringing up an amazing daughter and watching her get married. So long as you let go of the pain you can still have all the good memories and good things- and certainly you have had enough pain if it caused you to move across the world. Let it go and concentrate on the good things and how you can move on to find a life filled with good things again. I am positive i was just as sure when married the first time was my soulmate and forever- or I would not have got married. I was just as sure when got divorced the pain would never stop. I chose however to turn that need for loving something from that time period onto my children and continue loving them as intensely as ever while forgetting about the pain that was all that was left on the marriage. It is hard but it is also in fact a choice. You do not need somebody to save you, you need to save you from yourself and allow yourself to have a future instead of holding onto something that has become nothing but pain.
    Persephone2, Jenumbra and vincali like this.
  6. Thank you all for replying. Some of the things some of you say are really hard for me to handle right now. But it means a lot you took the time to tell me. I keep texting her and telling her how i feel sad because it makes me feel closer to her and makes me feel better. When I do she just gives me a sad face emoticon. Do you think I should stop? I was really messed up yesterday morning. The only reason I got up was because I'm on this "escape from reality vacation" I really felt like dying. I bumped into some Australian guys and we had a little chat which made me feel better feel for awhile. Later that night I felt horrible again. I was thinking how she wanted to spend time with someone else and not me. If I see anyone holding hands or are together it makes me more depressed. It's so hard for me to imagine being with someone else. I know it's over but in the back of my mind I hope we can be together again. when I really think about what she did though it's like she doesn't exist anymore. The person I thought I knew is gone. That makes me not want to exist either. It's 3am for me here and I'm finally sleepy after pouring my heart out. Part of me hopes I won't wake up.
  7. vincali

    vincali Member

    Only you know whether you should stop. I've heard advice about how you shouldn't give up if it's something you really want and if they really made you happy. In your case, I'm sorry to hear that she cheated on you but it doesn't seem like she's in a place to commit to you or to anyone. There's nothing wrong with you. She's dealing with something and since you were married to her you were wrapped up in it. As much as you love someone, sometimes you just have to let them go. I really hope you feel better soon. I'm sure in due time you'll meet a love that's like yours.
  8. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Believing that things will get better, while you are in the centre of the pain is the hardest thing that one can do. How could one believe that the pain of burning can be over once, and if it's possible, will he/she be strong and patient enough, to go through the path or not? But listening about similar cases and experiences helps by reminding the fact that while you are in the intense pain, your judgement about future is biased and maybe the pain will end.

    I don't have much experience dealing with relationships/break up/ ... , but maybe, if she sends only sad smilies as replies, it's not the time to talk to her, yet. Maybe both of you need some time before discussing about the issue and your decisions. Like I said, don't know much, just my guess.
    Persephone2 likes this.
  9. Rambler

    Rambler Member

    Dear Somebody,

    I cannot fathom what you are going through, but if you are reading this then that is good.

    You are not alone. We are here for you during your struggle regardless of where you are in the world.

    A break up is never easy. The way you feel is perfectly okay.

    Sometimes pain outweighs our coping strategies and we start to only see darkness. There is light at the end of every tunnel. You will be okay, do not consider this the end.
  10. I'm back from my trip. I started to feel a little better. A woman asked me out to dinner during that time. That was great just going out to eat with her. Another day I met a guy who got cheated on a long time ago in a similar situation so it was great talking to him too. I downloaded all these dating apps so I could try to talk to people and if I got like/interested by someone it would help me with this feeling of rejection I have. But now I'm home in an empty house with all of her stuff gone. It feels so dead in here without her. I don't want to go upstairs without her there. I don't want to sleep because if I close my eyes I'll think of her and how she hurt me. I have to get up in 6 hours because I have to go to work tomorrow. I'm afraid that I need to go on medication. My anxiety is too much to deal with. I'm going to see a psychologist on weds. I hope they can help. I also came had another realization during my trip. Whenever I thought of everything she did to me it felt like I was getting beaten with a hammer and I when I thought about how I don't want to tell anyone about this I felt like I was protecting an abuser. So I started looking up stuff online. One of the things that was listed for abuse was verbal abuse. It's what she would do to me all the time. I didn't realize it till I read about it. It's what someone with a lot of insecurities does who wants power and control. Back-handed compliment, scrutinizing, embarrassing in public, ostracizing me from my friends and family so I would be dependent on her. All of that leads to my low self esteem and even PTSD which I think I have. When I think of those things I think it was good that she left, but I still feel empty inside. I was thinking of telling her all this. This forum is the only outlet I really have right now. I don't know what I would do without it. I'm going to sleep on the couch. I don't think I'll be able to go the bed for a long time.
    Persephone2 likes this.
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think seeing a Psychologist will be a good thing so you can draw up a plan of how you are going to cope and deal with this breakup. I'm sorry that it's so tough right now, but with time, you will be able to move on with your life and start to be able to live again. I know you risked so much for this woman, but it doesn't sound like she appreciated your efforts at all.
  12. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Actually sounds like a LOT of progress has been made already- since before you were saying you love her and cant live without her and now you are focused on how she hurt you. This is the exact and predictable stages of grief - you seem right on track to working your way through it and the psychologist can help more or you can get help by medication so it has less impact as you go through it.
    1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
      You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
    2. PAIN & GUILT-
      As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
      You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
      Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
      You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
      Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
      During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
      As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
      As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
  13. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    It's good that you're seeing your wife through less rosy-colored glasses. Nobody is perfect, but if she was hurting you, then you'll be better off eventually when you don't have to live with that. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Come on here and share how you're feeling. See a therapist if you can. Maybe there's a group you can join for people dealing with divorce and relationship loss? Most of all, you need to remember that your life can get better again.
    Somebodysaveme likes this.
  14. Thank you for your support. It really does help. I'm seeing the psychologist twice a week. I feel better after talking to him. He mentioned the stages of grief and I'm definitely going through them in no particular order. Denial, pain, guilt, anger, and depression. I go through these emotions every day. Sometimes I wish I could get hit by car when I'm walking to my car at night to drive home from work. Yesterday was supposed to be our 10 year anniversary. I never thought it would be like this. I stopped making stupid conversations with her. If I talk to her it's only about the kids. She won't even show her face when she drops the kids off. I wish I could never see her again. If she never betrayed me I would probably feel sad but I would probably do whatever I could to win her back. But now I see her for what she is. My psychologist told me I thought of her as this ideal woman which she wasn't at all. I told one of my coworkers about what's been going on with me. He was really supportive. I felt better after telling him. My father in law called the other day and started telling me all this bullshit I need to do to win her back. I pretty much just hung up on him. He doesn't know what his daughter actually did. And if she did tell him anything it would probably be lies because that's what she's best at. I felt like shit after he talked to me. I need to tell her if she doesn't tell her parents the truth then I will. I'm still going on these dating sites to make me feel better but I realized last night it's not a good idea for me to be going on them. I couldn't even get to sleep last night until 2:30am because my mind was racing. I was actually thinking what my ex would think of the woman I was looking at on these and if she would think they were attractive. I'm so fucked up I'm trying to imagine getting approval from someone who was so horrible to me. I still miss her and I don't even know why anymore. My heart hopes to fix this but my head is telling me to stay far, far away. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable in my chest. I've read that heart break can sometimes lead to a heart attack. I hope for that sometimes so I can end this pathetic existence.
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  15. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    It sounds like you're starting to work out your internal conflict over her, which is good. One good bit of perspective a therapist told me when I was in the middle of a breakup was that if there hadn't been any good things about this other person, it wouldn't be hard to break up with them. It's the combination of good times and bad times, their good side and their bad side that makes it difficult. You know this is for the best though, so hang in there. *Hugs*
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