the pain makes life seem not worth living anymore

[toomuchreality]

I have physical pain that is worsening, on top of what seems like unrelenting depression, anxiety. I'm in my 50's now, and health wise things don't look good nor will they really get better. I'm tired of the same life, of things that don't work out. I'm feeling especially isolated and hopeless. I moved in with a boyfriend a year and half ago, he had lost his job and seemed to agree it was a good idea, only to later claim he would have been fine without me and I "manipulated" my way here. He has especially been unwilling to work on things for a long time, been very disrespectful and hurtful with things h e's said. I'm on disability so moving here was a big deal for me. I had to leave most of my belongings behind, and I've no savings and finding an affordable place seems hopeless..... i've looked. My income, even if it was all used towards rent, would maybe cover a bachelor apt., but I cant do that.
I've paid my way here, for everything, groceries and rent.
One thing that makes it even harder to leave is my son is allowed to stay here (although I hear constantly how much neither one of us is wanted here), but my son has difficulties holding a job, recently had another one, and got let go because of his intellectual difficulty. I've been threatened by this man who says now "I don't love you anymore", that he will leave if I don't.
I said go ahead. Only to hear later that it isn't a realistic or likely thing he can do. Even later to say I could stay. Later again to say he can't tolerate or stand my presence anymore.
In the past I did the wrong this as I only realize made it worse, beg to try and work it out. He'd agree. But I'd say there was no working on things.
Doesn't matter. Saying what he has, hurts enough to make me hopeless and know pleading will never change him.
I have many faults. I have diabetes and he has said "no man would want you with your diabetes that causes your mood swings"..... To that I said, and I think its true, "I think there are kind enough men out there that would actually care and try to help when I need to remember to eat etc. and could be understanding of it".
I could write forever about why I knew for a long time this doesn't work with him, but I ignored it all because I felt desperately alone as soon as he ever hinted we aren't going to last together. I'm getting older, and deep down I believe he would be the last man I'd have in my life, and I cant seem to bring myself to accept a reality of being single and alone for what is left.

Bottom line, tired of physical pain, emotional, don't know if I'll ever help my son or be useful or really wanted by anyone. Yes it seems sometimes a person might be making life better by doing a final exit. Thanks to anyone who listened.

 

[1964dodge]

a final exit is not the best thing. i know how you feel about being disabled my wife and i both are on disability and we both have diabetes. i have illness and chronic pain so i do understand the physical part you're going through. all you can do is keep fighting to get better. things can get a little better at least, i have learned to keep trying. as far as the emotional stuff you don't deserve that. i know money is hard when you're on disability but there are programs to help. and more than likely you can find a man that can look past your disability and care for you as you are. i would say try but if he treats you that way look for alternatives. if you want to talk my inbox is always open...mike...

 

[toomuchreality]

Thank you for that reply and for understanding... chronic pain gets to be too much sometimes. I re-read what I said at the end and I'm sorry, it sounds like I'm encouraging the idea of ending life, its just how I felt and often feel. I know it isn't right to do that to anyone, it would leave confusion to my kids. There's much more I struggle with I just don't have the energy to talk about it, but talking here today and getting a kind response helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you again, so much.

 

[Walker]

Hello there,
I'm sorry that you and your son are in such a difficult place. That's really crap, isn't it? I don't know where you're located but have you looked into some social service agencies locally that might be of assistance in getting out of this emotionally draining household?

 

[toomuchreality]

Hi Walker,
I have looked into finding housing, before i moved to current place. what I was told is it is up to me to find it, and there is subsidized housing but it can take an average of 6 to 10 years to get a place. I know I should have put myself on the list when I first had disability but I thought I could manage at where I used to live. I wasn't thinking ahead. I think I may have missed some resources or just had an unhelpful worker before, so I will ask my new worker if there is more help.

For now, the roomate ex bf has abruptly left to go to family for a month, and I'm quite relieved. I'm only a bit lonely and left without transportation, but it is making me realize how much he has affected me emotionally. I really believe that much of the problem with him is a lack of empathy. He is a chronic daily weed smoker, used weed for over 45 years and I could swear it must have changed him over time. He doesn't see how it affects his personality and moods, Instead seems to deflect blame on me for me being moody which just leaves us in an endless circle of blame.

Thanks for listening, its much appreciated. Right now I'm enjoying some peace and will likely work hard at finding some help to get out of here, thanks for suggesting to look for social service help with that!