The Pain Never Goes Away...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tendenCs_89, Apr 15, 2009.

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  1. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    Ive been posting on here for a while but Ive never really wanted to reveal much about myself or really felt the need to. Just asking simple questions or looking at and answering other peoples threads has been enough when Ive been feeling really down. But now its just got too much and Im losing all hope.

    Im 17 and still at school. When I was about 10 I saw my Mum break into my Dads room and start screaming and crying because he was taking heroin. Then my Mum told me then that he had been doing that and anti-depressants for ages and had been stealing money to pay for it. My parents then split up. (My Mum is also depressed all the time even though she hides it well)

    I didnt actually remember any of this until a year ago because Id surpressed it so deep. Also at school, my best friend turned against me and along with others has been trying to make my life a misery. Although I tell myself that I dont give a shit and that Im too strong to let these few losers affect me it did and still does get to me and just reinforces my insecurities and lack of self-worth.

    After having therapy for about 6 months I understand whats wrong with me (manic depression and social anxiety I think although I havent been diagnosed) and I have a clearer understanding of where my problems are but I dont feel better at all. In fact I just feel worse with each day.

    I guess what is really fucking with me now is the knowledge that I dont think I can ever get better. I thought stuff like losing my virginity, having a girlfriend, making more friends, going out more, working harder at school etc would help but each time I fulfill one of these things it never helps. I never feel happy really.

    I hate myself so much, I feel insecure, worthless and miserable and I have no idea how to help myself. I get madly dependent on the few people who do seem to care which makes them weirded out leave me. Also, whatever I do, and however many friends I make, I always feel so alone.

    I dont know who I am, and Im constantly at conflict inside my own head over who I should be like and how I should act to give out the best image. I know its stupid to live in other peoples perceptions but I just cant shake this.

    Im becoming more and more like my Dad, I have zero motivation and am failing at school. The only time Im really happy is when Im high, so Im taking more and more drugs just for that reason. I dont feel I can count on anyone and feel so alone its painful. Im constantly in pain and I just cant get rid of it.

    If you actually bothered to read all of this sad little story then thank you
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You mentioned being in therapy but that you've never been diagnosed. Have you ever gone to a doctor to see if you can get a diagnosis and then maybe some meds? Sometimes it's tough finding the right ones, but they really can help, especially when you've tried other things that haven't worked.

    You can PM me if you ever need someone to talk to.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like there are some underlying issues that still need to be worked on...I agree..continue treatment and see how to strengthen yourself...all the best, J
  4. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    dont really think that drugs r going to help matters much. u have seen how its affected ur family.. what better reason to stay off it? i agree with PP that u need to address the underlying cause n not the symptom.

    all the best. just put ur faith in urself. chin up boy!
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Wildcherry..You need to see a shrink..Manic depression can be treated medically.. It will take some time to find what meds work for you.. Everyones body chemistry is different..I'm not skyzophrenic but have found that a certain skyzo med along with my other meds is starting to work for me..I've only been on it three weeks and it can take four to six weeks to receive the full effects of it..Between the meds and your therapist you can turn your life around..Regain your self esteem..You sound very intelligent..Give it a go..Take Care!!
  6. Bashman

    Bashman New Member

    If they can help you, pills certainly aren't a crime, but even so, they can't do all the work - you need to get yourself sorted first to some extent otherwise the pills won't help at all. Best of luck to you. You remind me a lot of myself at that age. You also don't need a therapist. You will find that the help they give is so obvious that at your worst moments it will seem like white noise. They can never know you as well as you & your friends. Don't let them force you into it, unless it's what you want.

    Hope you'll be okay.
  7. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your help.

    I dont know how to do that neat quote thing so Ill just answer people.

    WildCherry and Sadeyes:
    Yeah, I agree diagnosing myself is something I need to do because I cant just guess what my problems are. But even after I do get diagnosed I dunno what I'd do after that...thing is I dont really trust meds and I doubt theyll work.

    Also answering Joesph, I really dont see meds working for me. I have a friend whos also depressed and suicidal (and is also on SF), and shes been on meds for ages. They dont seem to have improved her at all, in fact they just seem to make her feel worse and more emotional. Shes tried 2 or 3 kinds, none have helped. So I dunno, maybe theyd work for me, but I doubt it. And even if they do then what? Do I have to be on meds my whole life just to try and stay happy? I dunno, for a long term solution I dont like the idea of chemically changing myself to be happy...But if all else fails then yeah I guess I have to turn to them...
    Btw thanks for saying Im intelligent Joseph. Raising my self esteem would solve all my problems if only I could do so.

    asri: I know taking drugs doesnt help. Obviously from what its done to my Dad Its stupid me doing it. Its easy to realise what Im doing is illogical and my thoughts are illogical and I shouldnt be happy. But that doesnt make me happy. And when all I want is to be happy and uncaring, doing drugs is the only thing that does that for me, however stupid I know it is. (However I would like to point Im not doing anything nearly as bad as heroin and at yet it isnt destroying my life....although give it 5 years and I could see that happening if nothing improves)

    Bashman: Yeah from my therapy, I havent felt better at all (and neither has my friend I mentioned earlier). Its all very well analysing why I think how I do, but it never actually seems to make me feel happy which is all I really care about at the end of the day.

    Thanks for the input, but I dont think there is anything that can really help me, and I dont think anyone can show me otherwise, although Id love to be proven wrong. Therapy does nothing, I dont think meds can either... whatever I do to try and fulfill my life it never makes me happy. Like the title says the pain just stays and never leaves.

    I also keep thinking that I shouldnt be acting like this, that I dont deserve to be miserable as my life really isnt that bad compared to some of the people on this forum. I do have friends, I do have a love life, I do ok at school, i do have oppurtunities ahead....but I just feel so low and I just cant change that

    Can anyone say that your pain can be removed? Joseph, as far as I know (and Im really sorry if Ive confused you with someone else here) your a middle aged guy and Im guessing you still feel depressed on some level seeing as you come onto this forum. So your meds and therapy cant have completely made you into the happy person you want to be.

    Depression can be treated and lightened, but can it be cured? More and more Im thinking it cant. I just want to be happy and be a person that is at peace with himself. I just want the pain to go, and I dont think anything can do that except for suicide.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Haha, I don't know how to do the quote thing either. Glad I'm not the only one. :)

    Meds really can help some people. My sister's been on them for five years. It did take a while for her and her psychiatrist to find the right combination; I think she tried three different ones before they found one that worked. But every person is different, so the only way you'll know if they'd help you is to try. The trial and error process can be frustrating, but if you're able to find something that works, it's worth it.
  9. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    heh...figured out the quoting...i think...

    I guess I dont see meds working for me because like I said I have a friend who is on them and they dont seem to be helping her cope. I will turn to them if there really is no other option but I dont like the idea of chemically changing myself to be happy.
    And am i supposed to be on them forever? What happens when I have to stop and suddenly the depression returns.

    Therapy just makes me more aware of my problems and meds would just numb me.
    Really, in the end I dont think true happiness can be achieved for me. Everything I think would make me happy and I strive for gives me no joy when I do receive them. I cant see any hope.
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