The pain of infertility and its consequences

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by scarlet fireworks, Oct 5, 2007.

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  1. scarlet fireworks

    scarlet fireworks New Member

    I have had IVF a painful process in itself- i did each session pretty much on my own- obviously my husband was there for the crucial donations but each blood test, visit, replacing of embryos... i did alone. I got pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies all at between 6-11 weeks. My last pregnancy was a girl- she was downs and her heart beat left me at 11 weeks. She would have been due on 5 nov last year and i would have called her scarlet.

    On fireworks night last november we were at a party- not my choice!- i watched all the beautiful fireworks go off and i said goodbye to scarlet and my 6 other babies and to my burning desire to be a mum. Tears rolled down my face- my husband...had not remembered her due date or understand my sorrow- we had an argument and he got very drunk. That night i lay awake all night crying whilst he snored in a drunken stupor. On the night i needed my husbands support most he left me alone with my sorrow. I do not think i can forgive him.

    Nearly one year on and with my friends nd family all with beautiful little kids or pregnant it hurts as much today as it did then.

    Our marriage is not good- we have not had sex in about a year- i yearn to be held and loved but i can not let him in as my hurt and anger is so great. I have had an affair- well a ridiculous liason where th eman strung me along and has now disappeared- did i love him- i do not know? i felt i did but is that my need?
    I have several flirtations and seem on a path to distrucytion of myslef personally and my marriage.
    I can no longer see clearly or think clearly- do i leave all this- my life in its entirity as i am so tired of all the constant pain- i cannot stop the rest of the word getting pregnant! do i leave my marriage and hope fully find love from someone i do not have a clue what to do next!
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    That's a sticky situation your in. Have you talked to your husband about how he hurt you and how you needed him during that period most. He's probably hurt as well but showing it in a different way.

    In the end you have to do what's best for you. If you truly believe that the marriage is no longer worth going on with then end it. But you should firstly express your feelings to him, if things get worse or don't change then at least you tried.
  3. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    ive been in those situations where you are so disgusted and devestated by your partner you want to throw up and never look at him again. its an awful feeling but i know that if you really do love him and want the relationship to work out (a decision you'll really have to think long and hard and deep in yourself about) then sometimes you have to suck up your pride and swallow the nasty bitterness. i have really found that communication is absolutely vital. even if that means you talk and talk and sometimes yell and scream and cry for however long it takes to come to some kind of understanding and resolution. its very hard for me because i never know what to say or things just dont come out as im thinking them which leads to a lot of miscommunication but by going around in a couple of circles the right meaning usually ends up coming out and i find that they are more sympathetic then we give them credit for. i dunno, its worth a try.

    as for your infertility, im sorry that you are struggling so much, i could not bear it if it were me as one day i would desperately like to start a family too. i really do hope that things do come right for you. it was very bizarre that just yesterday i came accross this site, as i was not even looking for anything remotely like that...

    maybe it will give you some hope and courage to continue and not give up after all your failed attempts.
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