The pain of insecurity...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Liam Daniel, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. Liam Daniel

    Liam Daniel New Member

    So I stumble across this site after a week of complete and utter bemusement. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that I would attempt to take my own life, that I could even contemplate putting my loved ones through complete and utter turmoil and anguish. Taking a way out that would, I'm sure, hurt everyone that holds me dear. But what did I attempt on Monday 19th September 2016??? Yes, the unthinkable... a way out from my suffering and depression.

    For so long now, I have been putting myself through hell. Falling deeper and deeper into debt. From one payday lending company to another. Not paying my credit cards for months, due to getting deeper and deeper. It's something that I have got myself into and I fully accept that. Which is why I wanted out. I couldn't go on like this. And to be honest; I still have doubts and ill feelings.

    For a number of months, I have thought; "How can I end this? What's the best way?" - so I researched online with loads of negatives.

    <Mod edit - methods>

    As I drove and drove, not knowing where to, the strangest thing happened! My phone vibrated tons of times and had missed calls and messages from my partner! Then it rang. My Bluetooth was on and I answered. I was crying telling her what I'd done. I pulled over and broke my heart. She broke hers and told me to get home. How could I face her?! If I keep driving I'll be miles from home and probably living on the streets, drifting off into the background and no one knowing where I am. But I turned my car and drove home. I was on fumes by the time I pulled up! I just made it on the petrol I had.

    As I walked through the door I expected all sorts. A punch? A slap? A volley load of abuse?? Nope. I got more support and help than I deserved. She got me a coffee. Ran me a bath and then dragged me to doctors. I can't thank her enough! How can she be like that after what I nearly put her through?!?! The woman deserves a medal of some sort!

    Now, 3 days on, I'm seeing a mental health access team daily, and been to see citizen's advice to try and sort things out.

    I'm not a believer of fate, destiny and all of that, but something happened miraculously. <mod edit - method> my phone turned on and my gf has been the best support I could ever have hoped for. Shell probably never understand fully or even forgive me properly, but she's a stronger person than I'll ever be. It gives you a sense of being wanted. Being loved.

    I relive Monday 3 or 4 times a day, easily. Probably will for my entire life now! But that's what I have to live with and fight through.

    This was never a cry for help. I wanted out. I thought I had done what was needed. I thought I was leaving people with a better life. One without me. I know people love me. What I did wS selfish and cowardly.

    I'm not healthy. Far from it. Mentally I'm still a mess and will not be through this until I sort my finances out and feel comfortable with my life again. I have to keep fighting though. I don't want to wake up again and feel a need to do what I did.

    Stay safe everyone, please
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2016
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am really happy to hear that your partner was able to save you; and that you are getting help now. You do deserve the help. I know how hard that can be to accept; but you do deserve it. What you did was not selfish; and please try not to blame yourself. Try to understand yourself, accept it and move on. Take the good lessons from this, and keep reaching out for help!

  3. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    Please don't be angry with your self. I'm glad you are getting people to help. It's hard to be in your shoes. I understand. I'm sorry. Please keep going forward . There are amazing people here.!!!