The pain of the hart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tarkan, Sep 9, 2008.

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  1. Tarkan

    Tarkan New Member

    Hello,

    My name is Ben and I'm new here. What's written beneath is a long story and I understand that it won't appeal to everyone. Congratulations if you succeeded to read the whole thing without falling asleep !

    The Story

    It's 1 a.m. here. Since my computer is still running and because of the fact that I couldn't sleep for obvious reasons, I decided to surf a bit on the internet. I really felt the need to get rid of some stuff and the best way to do it was to write it here. The kind of things wich I never talk about in "real life", not even to my best friends !

    Well where was I ? Oh yes, I couldn't sleep. The reasons for that are simple: I feel like shit inside ( forgive me the choosen words ). It's some kind of undescriptibel pain that makes me feel like my head would blow up. That sensation goes together with other wierd thoughts ... thoughts of death. On it's own a scary thought but after a while it feels more like a deliverance. A deliverance for this unbearable pain !

    So it started 2 years ago. The negative thoughtspiral that I came in. Lets call it "depression". My relation with M. just ended and I started my studies at university. Since I made the wrong descisions for my studies, I dropped everything along the month of April. The reasons were lack of motivation. This was also the first failure ever I had to endure for school. I still believe that the reasons were because of various reasons : My operation, the freedom you have to handle with, my friends studying in other towns ...

    Well I started over a new year in another school. Since it was far away from home I borrowed a studio so I could live over there. At first it was amazing: I had alot of freedom and autonomy, and I was away from noisy home. But my chaotic personality fastly showed up and started to mess with my daily organisation ... untill living alone became a hell. But that's not the worst ...

    The same year I started to date alot. Before that it almost never happened since I've always been a shy boy. Well everyone has to rawl out of his shelf one day ^^ In the month of january I dated ( O. ), a collegue from work. We dated for quiet some time and this was very good for my self-esteem: That girl was considered "out of my league" and most of guys at my work dreamed about dating with her. You understand how happy I was ... at first. We dated for 2 months but nothing every happened. The reasons never change: I'm a shy boy. It turned out I wasn't ready for such a challenge. The second problem was that O. only saw love as a secondary level need. I came on the second place after her friends. It felt a bit like the love came from one side only. The final blow to our "relation" came when she abandoned me on the parking with her birthday present in my hands. I had to work 5 more minutes because there were alot of customers in the store. But she couldn't wait 5 more since she "was very busy" ... so there I was in the rain. I was supposed to have a great moment with her at her party.

    In the month of may I dated another collegue ( C. ) Long story short: She used me for money. It also ended on her birthday ( lucky me ). I just drove for 30 miles with my bicycle to reach her home ( she didn't had a car and it was in the middle of nowhere ). When I reached the place she "surprised" me with another guy wich she kissed in front of me. I left the place with her best friend who was kind enough to support me that night.

    Oh maybe I forgot to mention that I failed my year at school again because of those 2 dates

    September: New schoolyear. I swore to never date any collegue anymore, at least I learn out of ly mistakes. At school I met a load of new girls. I dated ( S. ) but after going out with her I found out she was someone obsessed with the idea of loosing virginity. If I was a player I would have taken benefit out of that situation but that was not the kind of relationship I was looking for. Dating with her quickly ended aswell.

    Now comes the more recent part ( 2008 ). I was lucky enough to meet the 2 most amazing girls ever: (L.) and (K.). We're in the same class and all together we're best friends. But sometimes the innevitable happens: You want more then just friendship. Since months I run after (L.) trying to get a date with her but I've been rejected like 4 times. I would just go on but it's not that simple. Every time I'm about to move on she comes back to me, teasing me, flirting with me. And, fool like I am, I still hope she changed her mind about me. My last rejection was this sunday: We were supposed to go eat in a restaurant on monday but she cancelled the "date" . And like every time she finds that lame excuse to not hurt my feelings. But she doesn't understand that I feel even more hurt with her lies. And i keep hoping ... like an idiot.

    (K.) found out about my feelings for (L.). She's the person I talk too when I feel like shit. Btw, (K.) got a boyfriends. Since we're best friends we always hang out together. Funny thing is that everyone thinks we'er bf and gf since we always have fun together. In the month of may-juli I made one big mistake: I started to develop feelings for her. But it seemed that I wasn't the only one with feelings: She told me how much a jerk her bf was, how great it was with me etcetc ... untill the day where she said those letal phrases. "If I met you before my boyfriends, I think we would have been together by now". How can you even say that ? It's like saying: " I love you but you weren't there first so I'm afraid it won't happen". That day I realised one thing: I'm a shoulder to cry on.

    The pain of the hart

    I could have skipped the whole story and go straight to this part but it would have been harder to understand.

    In my free time I am an artist: I like to play music, draw and paint. Exept those things I also go out with friends and I do some sports. But noone of those activities give me satisfaction .. in fact they give me even more frustration because I set up hard to reach goals for myself. I do most of those activities to gain some self-esteem but love issues always destroy it again.

    Since the last 2 years I keep degressing on the emotional side. Since then I think almost every day about suicide. Those toughts become more and more real every day ... untill the poijt of non-return. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fact that I don't want a painfull death. The funny thing is that nobody knows: I am someone who wears a masker ... in the inside I fell bad but on the outside no one notices

    People see me as a happy person: I seem like someone who is positive and happy. Someone that laughs and has sence of humor. But at home I am a whole different kind of person: I am pathetic and I cry in my room. After work or school I always cry in my room. My frustrations keep stacking up ... untill the day where I won't be able to bare the weight anymore.

    Since long I tryed to understand myself. My mood is very unstabile: it keeps changing between happyness and sadness. Trust me, it's hard to live with that. The divorce of my parents, my grandnanny's health problems, my failure in love, my failure at school, ... there's more but all this is starting to be too much. There's a limit of what human beings can endure

    I wish I had someone I could love. Someone that would love me in return. And sex isn't even a need ... just a simple kiss, a hug from time to time or even holding hands. But no ... it seems not everyone is predestined to love ! I hate myself: My lack of self-esteem and the fact tha I am a "nice guy" are really turn-offs for women. You know what "nice guys" are ? Softies, people that love others more then themselves ... guys that are so desperate that they would sherrish any woman without even know if she's decent. People tell me that I have to change that. But if I change that I am not myself anymore !

    At the moment, I reached the bottom ... And it doesn't seem like I can find any escape ! I wish I had some way to suicide myself now but I don't. I feel so desperate !

    PS: Sorry for the typo's but english isn't my main language.
     
  2. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    hun, can i ask how old you are? i only ask this because of a simple truth of many girls....it takes them a while for the jerks to lose their appeal and for them to see the value in a 'nice guy'. especially girls that have something broken in them. they look for guys that will treat them like crap because daddy beat them, or whatever...they think they deserve it and activly seek it. they pal around with guys like you because they want to have someone to sympathize with them and coddle them, and tell this its ok...but they keep going back to the wrong guys.

    dont give up yet. for right now, try (omg i know its damn near impossible) to focus on you for right now. do the things you like, try to better yourself, learn something new, see a new place, take up a new hobby. look for friends, not love. oddly enough, its usually when you stop looking for love that it blindsides you.

    i've been through some of what you have and i know how hard it is. i've been both the 'nice girl friend' who only wants to be the 'girlfriend', and in my younger and more self-centered years i was the girl who had many nice-guy friends who i tried to politely turn down as they offered me the world and all i could accept was garbage.

    i'm here if you ever want to talk :)
     
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