I'm a 30-year-old "man" who has felt female for my whole life. Over time, wishing I were female has become very intense pain. Every night and some mornings I cry for an hour alone while squeezing a pillow, all from the pain of being the wrong sex. I'm writing this with trouble seeing the screen because of the tears in my eyes. I've been taking estrogen for almost 4 years. I still look completely male, to the point of having these suicidal feelings. Many transgender friends of mine have fully transitioned in this time, because their body type was more compatible with becoming female than mine. But I'm still stuck. I've been on antidepressants for most of my life. I'm seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist now. Despite their best efforts, it's not helping. I've just sunk lower into despair as time has passed. My main friends have all moved away. They've also paired off, finding their life partners. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here alone, and I haven't even dated anyone in my entire life due to my severe gender dysphoria. Most people see "lesbian trapped in a man's body" as a joke. I need help, but there's just nowhere for me to go anymore.