the paradox

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kinetickrown, Oct 18, 2013.

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  1. kinetickrown

    kinetickrown Member

    I've been feeling overwhelmingly conflicted lately. Nothing seems to make any sense. My life seems like a riddle. Im confident and positive most of the time yet I keep noticing multiple, increasingly frequent, unfortunate coincidences. These coincidental events are significant in nature and appear somewhat symbolic. I believe things happen for a reason. Life is a learning experience. By embracing this concept, I began to notice my progress and continuous growth throughout this incredibly difficult experience. I absolutely hated myself and couldn't understand why. Convincing myself that I didn't matter and that I couldn't do anything because I wasn't "normal". My diagnosis was my identity, my symptoms were my personality, and the medication was my only hope in attaining happiness. Frustration dominated my misguided perspective and detached me from reality. I blamed others for my pain and thought the world was hopelessly condemned by an inherently collective state of ignorance. Those who didn't understand me were the enemy. Expectations of a devoted approach to learning about mental illness separated me from the people I cared about and society in general. Brief ventures into public were agonizing. I was tormented by intrusive thoughts of persecution, delivered silently by the wandering eyes of strangers. Further analysis of these situations with the incorporation of different viewpoints has proven my illogical reasoning. I don't go around staring at people with a judgmental gaze as I go about my day. I don't remember every single person I encounter. I'm usually focused on what I'm doing or where I'm going. What makes me so special in the eyes of others? If I'm so pathetic and lonely as I think I am, I wouldn't be worth remembering. Even if someone did think negatively about me, they probably wouldn't tell me. If who I am or how I look bothers them, so be it. They must not be happy with themselves if they feel the need to point out the flaws in others....which is: THE EXACT SAME unproductive thinking that was keeping me depressed! It was selfish of me to assume people didn't care when I didn't even care enough about them to listen to what they had to say. I had to communicate in order to illuminate the dark world I had created. I couldn't see the opened door that was always right in front of me. The door to happiness and fulfillment, love and satisfaction, positivity and confidence. It is anything and everything you want it to be. An opportunity that doesn't expire. No matter how long it takes, its never too late. why give up now and submit to the hate, when there is so much more love that awaits. There is no such thing as time being a waste once you reach your goals. It feels even better when you see people make it from the message you told. This kind of help should never be sold. You don't know who I am, but the message is bold. I hope it will spread when I start to get old.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is a very good message thanks for posting it hun It takes courage though to reach out and sometimes trust is not fully there but in time perhaps
     
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