the past is back

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ashamed_one, Mar 28, 2007.

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  1. ashamed_one

    ashamed_one Guest

    I thought I could deal with this, It's been 12 years and up until Sunday I had not told anyone and had...kinda..been dealing with it.

    And now...I cant cope. There's triggers everywhere.

    It's the 10th anniversary of my first attackers death today.

    As if that wasnt bad enough my second attacker (happened 5 years ago when I was 15) is coming to visit. He will be here any minute and will be around for TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!! Theres this masive family party on friday where he will be and I cant cope.

    I was triggered so badly in chat last night and didnt sleep. I'm sitting here shaking, waiting for him to arrive. No1 in my family knows what happened, he has never changed the way he is with me and was drunk at the time..I'm not even sure HE knows it happened. But MY GOD I do. I need to put on this happy face, be glad to see him. I HAVE TO.

    I've been such a bitch and upset so many people these last few days, I hate myself for it..but I cant do this. I so badly want to escape and theres no way out.

    His words are in my head, I cant let go, I just cant. He got interupted and decided to take it out on me with verbal abusive. ALL that's in my head right now is what he said to me.

    I'm sorry :cry:
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    First of all you have nothing to be sorry for! how many times have i told you that since you told me what happened? LOTS. Bout time you started listening to me. You did NOTHING wrong.

    I'm not suprised your getting triggered hun, to bottle all that up for 12 years and then tell a few people in the last few days. Thats gonna take it out of ANYONE.

    I think i know what part in chat you was triggered by and im not suprised because that particular part pissed me off aswell. I really wish i could help you sweetie. I really do. :sad:

    You know how much i care. I think you should try stay away from SF at least for today, you don't need any more triggers. All i can say is that i hope letting it out has helped in some small way.

    You know you can allways talk to me about anything, if you need me u know all the way of getting in touch with me.


    PS. You have NOTHING to be ashamed for!
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    its about time i admitted this is me

    thank you for th support vikki

    i CANT, CANT, CANT, CANT, CANT do this.

    hes here and i wanna punch him.

    cant cope
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun, i really wish i could so something. I dunno what to say :sad: The only thing you can do is try stay out of his way as best you can. I know you said you can't but thats all you can do really. :sad:
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thanks vikki

    doing what i can
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