I have an idea what may attribute to why I am like I am. I don't know why now. But maybe why it does happen. There were a few things that went off when I was about 12-13 and an incident when I was 15. I have not spoke about them before as I worry that it will change peoples perceptions of who I am. So hence why I have not told the counsellor or anyone. The thing that happened when I was 12-13 for me is the one that I worry will change peoples perceptions. It affected the whole family and meant my family had to move house of something I did. Can I ask you people. Do you think at the age of 12-13 a person is fully developed and can they be forgiven for something they did. Does it depend what it was (don't worry it's not like murder or anything like that)? In my eyes. When I was that age I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. Yet, now as an adult, if I were presented with the case I would say that person is a child. Their brain is not fully developed, they have not developed a full moral understanding and can not be held reliable for it. However, on the other hand, if it was a violent crime, a murder, a sexual assault (like in the case of the murders of James Bulger) I would say lock them up! My values are fluid and will change depending on the situation. I think this period had a big effect on me. I don't tell anyone as I worry peoples perceptions would change. If someone told you they had done something when they were 12-13 would your perceptions change. Around this time is the first time I had sex with someone. I was 13!!!! I didn't really want to. I was kind of pressurised in to it. More peer pressure really not from the lad who it was. We did it a few times and I always felt horrible after. The worst thing is is I can't even remember my first time. I know most peoples first times are awful, but at least they remember it. There was another lad when I was about 14 and he was 16. He did kind of pressurise me. But at the time I didn't really think much of it and I am not overly affected by it. I wasn't at the time. It's only now as I have got older that I think about it and it upsets me. The other incident upset me at the time. It went away but recently it has come back and bothers me quite a bit. I was 15. My grandma had died 2 months previous and I was really upset about it. To try and take our minds off it my parents took me on holiday. While there I met a few people as you do and hung around, did the club games etc. The guy who ran the hotel club games took a shine to me. He was ok, nice in a way and was nice to have positive attention when I was feeling so crap about things anyway. One lunch time he asked me to go with him to his office so I could help him write in english on the certificates. He could speak English well but not write it. While we were in there he kissed me. Things went further. I didn't say no. I didn't know how to. So I let him continue. I can't say we ended up having sex as to me sex is a mutual thing. It's both peoples enjoyment. I didn't enjoy it and although I didn't verbally say no I didn't want to. It was horrible. This man. He was 30. I was 15. I remember going back to the hotel room and crying and crying and crying. I told my parents I wasn't well and stayed in the dark room for the rest of the day avoiding him. That night while watching the hotel entertainment with my family he was presenting and he started talking about how he was married and his wife was pregnant. I also found out he slept with a girl a year younger than me who I was friendly with on holiday. She told me I didn't find that out on stage! For years and years. I have thought well I consented. I am dirty, disgusting etc. It's only now, recently that I think about it more and more. I can't say I was raped, as to me that is not rape. I didn't say no. I didn't fight back. But I look at my cousin now who is the same age as I was then. And I think if a 30year old slept with her there is something seriously wrong with him. Why would he want to? The more I think about it now the more I get shit feelings about it. I don't know what it was. I know he couldn't be expected to read my mind but still! Or am I making excuses for my past behaviour. Am I trying to attribute the way I am now to the things that happened then. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I have thought about it quite a bit in the past but never really had stong emotions about it which I do now. I want to go back to how it was. I think I need to discuss this with the counseller don't I?