The Past - it may trigger some so please be safe.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 7, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have an idea what may attribute to why I am like I am. I don't know why now. But maybe why it does happen.

    There were a few things that went off when I was about 12-13 and an incident when I was 15. I have not spoke about them before as I worry that it will change peoples perceptions of who I am. So hence why I have not told the counsellor or anyone. The thing that happened when I was 12-13 for me is the one that I worry will change peoples perceptions. It affected the whole family and meant my family had to move house of something I did.

    Can I ask you people. Do you think at the age of 12-13 a person is fully developed and can they be forgiven for something they did. Does it depend what it was (don't worry it's not like murder or anything like that)? In my eyes. When I was that age I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. Yet, now as an adult, if I were presented with the case I would say that person is a child. Their brain is not fully developed, they have not developed a full moral understanding and can not be held reliable for it. However, on the other hand, if it was a violent crime, a murder, a sexual assault (like in the case of the murders of James Bulger) I would say lock them up! My values are fluid and will change depending on the situation.

    I think this period had a big effect on me. I don't tell anyone as I worry peoples perceptions would change. If someone told you they had done something when they were 12-13 would your perceptions change.

    Around this time is the first time I had sex with someone. I was 13!!!! I didn't really want to. I was kind of pressurised in to it. More peer pressure really not from the lad who it was. We did it a few times and I always felt horrible after. The worst thing is is I can't even remember my first time. I know most peoples first times are awful, but at least they remember it. There was another lad when I was about 14 and he was 16. He did kind of pressurise me. But at the time I didn't really think much of it and I am not overly affected by it. I wasn't at the time. It's only now as I have got older that I think about it and it upsets me.

    The other incident upset me at the time. It went away but recently it has come back and bothers me quite a bit. I was 15. My grandma had died 2 months previous and I was really upset about it. To try and take our minds off it my parents took me on holiday. While there I met a few people as you do and hung around, did the club games etc. The guy who ran the hotel club games took a shine to me. He was ok, nice in a way and was nice to have positive attention when I was feeling so crap about things anyway. One lunch time he asked me to go with him to his office so I could help him write in english on the certificates. He could speak English well but not write it. While we were in there he kissed me. Things went further. I didn't say no. I didn't know how to. So I let him continue. I can't say we ended up having sex as to me sex is a mutual thing. It's both peoples enjoyment. I didn't enjoy it and although I didn't verbally say no I didn't want to. It was horrible. This man. He was 30. I was 15. I remember going back to the hotel room and crying and crying and crying. I told my parents I wasn't well and stayed in the dark room for the rest of the day avoiding him. That night while watching the hotel entertainment with my family he was presenting and he started talking about how he was married and his wife was pregnant. I also found out he slept with a girl a year younger than me who I was friendly with on holiday. She told me I didn't find that out on stage!

    For years and years. I have thought well I consented. I am dirty, disgusting etc. It's only now, recently that I think about it more and more. I can't say I was raped, as to me that is not rape. I didn't say no. I didn't fight back. But I look at my cousin now who is the same age as I was then. And I think if a 30year old slept with her there is something seriously wrong with him. Why would he want to? The more I think about it now the more I get shit feelings about it. I don't know what it was. I know he couldn't be expected to read my mind but still! Or am I making excuses for my past behaviour. Am I trying to attribute the way I am now to the things that happened then.

    It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I have thought about it quite a bit in the past but never really had stong emotions about it which I do now. I want to go back to how it was. I think I need to discuss this with the counseller don't I?
  2. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    You know, I struggle with similar feelings pretty often. When I was 13, I remember a family member molesting me and I didn't say no. They didn't try to go any further than "2nd base" and it didn't bother me at the time for some reason. But now that I'm an adult, it does...a lot. And I often struggle with thoughts of "why didn't I say no? It must be my fault because I didn't tell them to stop". But, you know what, I was 13. I got made fun of at school, was pretty convinced at the time that I was repulsive and no guy could ever want to be with me, and I was lonely and curious about sex. All pretty normal things for a 13 year old I think. That's why I didn't say no. I was going through so many hormonal and mental changes that I just didn't know what the right thing to do was at the time, and I'm sure you didn't either. And replaying it in my head over and over, I've come to the conclusion that regardless of whether or not we said no, we were still just kids. Our abusers were adults and should have known better. There is absolutely no reason to have sex with or touch a child inappropriately. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't mine. If you think it will help, talk about it with a counselor. I was only ever able to tell my previous therapist about my situation...I still haven't told my current one. For me, it's not the situation itself that's hard to talk about as much as who it was that did it. But I'm sorry you went through that, and I repeat that it wasn't your fault at all. :hugs:
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You haven't made me think badly of you. In the situations you've described, I think in most countries, you would be considered a minor (not an "adult") at the time of the incidents.

    In the case with the 30-year-old, it would be called "statutory rape" adult with a minor.

    In all the circumstances, it sounds as though you perhaps felt you were "supposed" to do it — even if you didn't want to.

    You are not dirty, disgusting, etc. because these things happened. They are in the past. Things that happened in the past don't have to be what we eventually become. We can grow away and beyond the bad experiences.

    Thinking of you. :hug:
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Not sure if I wrote properly. When I was 13 the lad was 14, when I was 14 he was 16. When I was 15 he was 30. I beat myself up about it. On one hand I think I was a slag. On the other, I think the 30yr old may have taken advantage of me.
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    The incident that I worry people would think differently I have not written about. It happened before all that went on. I am trying to put it together in a blog so I can get it out. But I was finding as I was writing I was getting more and more anxious and thought I don't want to be not able to sleep tonight. So I saved it and will come back to it bit by bit.

  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I was talking about the 30 year old, specifically. The 14 and 16 year olds were just kids too who also didn't know better. So those 2 situations compared to the 30 year old are a bit different. With the 14 and 16 year olds, if you had said no, it would have been rape, but you didn't and they had no way of knowing (unless you made other obvious signs that you didn't want to). And it wouldn't count as statutory rape in those cases either because they were young. But with the 30 year old, regardless of what you said and did, it was wrong of him, and that was rape.
  7. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    This doesn't change how I think of you at all, because these events don't make you a slag, or dirty, or wrong in any way. As for the disgusting 30 year old man, I hope he was exposed for the rapist he was. Ok, so you didn't say no, but he knew full well how old you were and that it was wrong. He took advantage of you, and so did the lads when you were younger for that matter, although I suppose they were young themselves.

    Please don't think less of yourself for this. And please speak to your counsellor about it too. You shouldn't be carrying this burden with you, you deserve better than that.

  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I hope you can speak to Sam or someone else about this. What you wrote doesn't change my opinion of you. And I'm sure when you get around to writing about the other stuff it'll be okay, too. Sending hugs,

  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies people. It's not those events which are the main thing I am worried about peoples perceptions on.

    The past few days I have been going over and over that time when I was 15. I have never really thought about it that much before. It was just one of those things. I have never thought "I was raped". Even though it wasn't really consensual and I didn't want to. I feel that I don't want to be a victim. I don't want that to happen to me. Because I didn't fight it, and I put myself in that situation I have never thought of it in that way. There's nothing I can do about it now so I am going to try and not dwell on it. I can't turn back time. I wish I could.

    It's something that I have only thought about recently in detail. It's not something I have thought about before when I have felt low or suicidal in the past.

    I feel numb about it. I don't feel anything.

    I feel like that about most things at the moment. I tried to kill myself Friday night. Although I regret it didn't work, other than that I have no emotions about it. Have I resigned myself to a life of this?
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If it's any consolation I had a similar thing happen to me at 14, although I was rescued.
    The man was in his 40s and I didnt have the age or experience to know how to rebuff him, I was also badly scared.
    He pushed me up against a wall, hands all over me and I didn't do a thing.
    Happily some 20 year old surfers I'd made friends with spotted me and came to the rescue otherwise that could be me writting what you've written.
    I would definetly try for the counsellor, sometimes just airing something can give it perspective and then it can be left behind. :hug:
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've managed to get everything down on my blog. Everything. I am not going to write it here as I don't want to go over it again.

    I told Sam on Wednesday about the sexual things. I feel that now she knows I really don't want to go back.
  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I read your blog and I don't think any less of you x
  13. cycla

    cycla Member

    when i was 17 a 38 year old married man pursued me.
    I eventually 'consented' hoping once he got what he wanted he would leave me alone..... I just lay there dead inside .... But he didnt go away after.
    A whole lot more happened over the next eight months, i got manic, eventually once i did cut it off he stalked me.
    Now i carried that guilt around for another ten years. But i work with 17 year old girls and i can forgive myself now, i was really just a baby (in a life sense) its time for you to forgive yourself too.
  14. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, if it is any consolation at all, I have read your blog, and I do not think one bit differently about you. You write very well you know. It took some courage to put that lot down. :hug:
  15. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your support guys.
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    read your blog too and think you are very brave for putting it all down. that took a lot of courage. don't think any less of you. we all make mistakes. you were a child. i think your "assessment" of you from the pov of a social worker makes a lot of sense, seeking attention, etc. sending a big hug

  17. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I really do appreciate your support.

  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Read your blog, dont think any less of you, actually I admire you for putting yourself out there like that, I also enjoyed your writing and hope you use that in your time of downs, it helps alot to put thoughts and feelings down and always makes me beel better, like a weight being lifted.

    You were a child, and the first couple of times you were experimenting and thats just normal, some of us just have it thrown our way at an ealier age than others. Now for the 30 year old, shame on him for using you like that, some men well and women are just disgusting and use thier adultness (if thats a word) to take advatage of children.

    If Ive learned anything in my 33 years and still learning is to let the past go, you cant change it, you cant go back and do anything differantly, we have to learn from our mistakes and move past them to become the best that we can be. You have a huge heart, this is how I think of you, not anything you out in your post or blog changes how I think of you. I just hope you realize that we all make mistakes, we are only human, its what we learn from them mistakes that makes us who we are.

    Learn to be okay with yourself to give yourself a chance to live for your future not your past, I hope we can help eachother in that process, and hoping that you feel some relief getting it out.

    Hugs, you did a great job.....
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.