The past

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InnerStrength, Dec 8, 2006.

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  1. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    The past haunts me. Every day I'm reminded of it. I guess it haunts me because I don't have one--one to be proud of--or that is recognizable to other people.

    I think the last several years could have been very different, that's the key word: could. They weren't. I wasted my youth (am 21 now) that might not seem old, at all, but my youth is gone because I wasted those prime years. I slept most of my days away.

    High School was a nightmare, not because of the people, but because of my anxiety. People would ask me to parties, or try and talk to me, but I would be flat and unresponsive. I wasted all that time, for nothing. I think my youth could have been so different, if I would have looked at things in a different light.

    Now, I think I've lost my sanity, and my memories are slowly fading away. Maybe because there is nothing worth remembering? But, my capacity to remember things has gone way done as well.

    My family has split, and I'd rather have not any dealings with them if they choose to act that way. But, because of my introverted ways, I have no friends to lean on and I just want to die. What's the point? Things won't get better. I failed my family, God, but worst of all I failed myself. I just want to curl up and dissapear from existence. I'm a pathetic person living a pathetic life.

    I think the worst part of this is knowing what person I might have been, but will never be. Suicide reverberates in my head everyday, I wish I could just...cease.
     
  2. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    Hey, I know what you are talking about.

    I try really hard to forget my past. For much of the same reasons you do. I can't dwell on that crap, or I get extremely depressed. I'm in my early 20s. I can think of many things I should have done differently, and my life would have been a lot better. I was avoidant of many things in my youth, including parties, etc.

    Everyone has times when they wish they could have done things differently. You can't keep kicking your own ass over things that happened in the past.

    So your life might suck right now. Mine does too. We are both young. At 21 your life is just BEGINNING, not ending. There is so much you can accomplish in the next 60 years.

    Don't throw in the towel yet, dude.
     
  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, I never try to make my future better than it is now, never try to make some friends, never go to parties either. I'm 25 now, i have wasted my best years, years when i should have fun, hunging around with friends, have girlfriends etc. Now i feel so empty, even if i get good job,live in big house,have a nice car what is it worth for...I feel like retard, i never used to live like other people, and i never will...
    I'm trying now to corect things, but i feel its kinda late...

    I hope there is still chance for you...
     
  4. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the message amIalive. I hope the same for you, as well. But, I don't even have a great job, house, or car to compensate for the lack of a social life, I'm not sure if anything can. I'm very poor and have a lot of medical bills (almost 8,000, approximately). At the moment, I feel so empty.
     
  5. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear that...If I can help you not feel that way just for the moment I'll be glad, feel free to PM me anytime :hug:
     
  6. just dont care

    just dont care Well-Known Member

    i know what your going through i am also 21 and i know that i wasted my life i had so many opportunities to do things but i didnt and that led to less oppertunities and now i am alone with very few friends and family i cant trust i dont even have a job right now and havent had one since january i have a crappy car that is breaking down on me and i am failing in college plus i still live at home i have thoughts about ending things every day and night. i dont know what to tell you to help you keep going because i havent found that awnser either but i am still trying to search for something and you should keep searching also.
     
  7. mar87

    mar87 Guest

    Yes me also, the most people party on Friday and Saterday, but me, I am in my room the whole day, sometimes I go downstairs to drink/eat or to smoke a sigarete.

    But your not the only one,we together never went to partys!

    I talked with many people, and had friends, but nothing more then talking on school!

    But what do you all do per day?

    Monday,Thuesday and Wednesday, I am going to school for 2 hours a day! It's not much but than I have my diplom.

    For the rest I have no sport,,,, Sometimes I watch TV,,,I eat and drink and I sleep.

    That's my boring live! But I hope everything will change when I have my diplom, but I am not good in being the favorite person.

    Marthijn
     
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