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the people I have spent past new years with found someone better

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by flowers, Dec 31, 2010.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    sorry, I changed my mind about posting this
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    NYE is sooo hard! xxxxxxx
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    This is a very deep loss. Of many people whom I called my chidlren. They called me mommy. Long story. But the loss runs very deep. And this is not the first installment of the loss. Its a MPD system whose host has changed. I was extremely close with and helped a lot, the old host. Family. Now that the new host took over, I am yesterdays leftovers. My heart is wrenched. Because I love my chidlren so. Just wish these meds would kick in. think I have to take more. Dont seem to be working that well. Not late enough at night for normal sleep to haappen. :pinkrose:
    Its sort of like the last straw. My heart aches so deeply. I hope my time is soon
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can make new connections here flowers yu have already started to do so. It is hard when you feel like you are being pushed aside You will not feel that way here we all care for you and i know you care for us. Hang on okay I hope your meds have relax you some hugs and more hugs to you
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks for the words. Sad though because they were true deep "family", irl. before someone else took over. I should never have opened my heart as I did. but I did open it. and it got crushed over and over again during the past year after the new host took over. I never in my wildest dreams expected to be crushed by them. But then again, i never expected a new host to take charge who doesnt relate to me. So I lost my children. I have known it for a year. Just have to accept it and move on. But moving on means crawling deeper into the hole. How much deeper can I crawl in. I did get to sleep at 9pm and then slept until 3am. at least I got to miss the transition from 2010 to 2011. I so want to just be gone from this earth. My heart longs for it. Sorry. Its just what I long for. Its hope for the future. Its my only hope. A life this alone is not a life anyone should live. And yet, I do know that others do also live this completely alone. With no one irl to be with.
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Can you not become host to new kids now that your old family has moved to their new host. Just keep repeating tge circle and share your love as much as you can
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I don't know what am MPD system is or what hosts are.
    I'm being nosey - sorry.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks wheresmysheep. A host is usually the person who is born to the body that is MPD/DID. not always. But surely I am not the host.

    I was the "mommy of the heart". I dedicated all I had to them. And they are much better now. all things have a time and season. I do not know if its meant to be that my heart will do that again. Its not up to me, in a way. Its a larger matter. My body is no longer as strong as it was. It took much out of me to devote that many hours in a day 7 days a week to helping. So I honestly could not physically do that again.

    Oh Fitzy, I used the old name for it. The updated name is DID / Dissociative Identity Disorder.

    I guess everything has its time and season. My heart will find other ways to give. But my chidlren will never be forgotten. And they will never forget me even though the new host does not much relate to me. To everything there is a season
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