The perfect opportunity?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cots, Oct 12, 2013.

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  1. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling extremely suicidal today. Just laid on the bed and cried my brains out. It's starting to seem like this is the best opportunity to do it. I have no more excuses to continue hanging around a place I don't and will never belong. I'm sick and tired of being a doormat, a disposable underwear or a ball which everyone kicks and bounces around. I am utterly disgusted with myself.

    I am tired of everything. I am tired of being used. No one spares a thought for my feelings. No one. I am a grub. A pointless grub. A waste of space and resources. A bane to society.

    I seem to have more reasons to die than to live. That, itself, is reason enough for me to perform my vanishing act, no?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, cottoncandy. I expect many of us here have had similar feelings to what you've expressed.

    I don't know the details of the situations you mentioned. Sometimes we have to choose to stay away from the people who treat us badly. And in addition, though we might not feel up to it, we need to make new connections with people who treat us well. Easy to say and much harder to put into motion, I know, hun. But it is worth doing...It is worth creating a new social network so that we begin to feel there are reasons to keep going. You've started that by coming here and talking. :)

    I will spare lots of thought for your feelings. I have seen nothing from you to make me think of you are a pointless grub, a waste of space and resources, or a bane to society. To me, you are a person who is hurting right now and who deserves better than that.

    Please, know that I'm thinking of you and I do care. Keep talking here. Talking vents our feelings and doesn't cause you harm. Take care and stay safe, please! :arms:
  3. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Acy, for your kind reply.

    I came out of a relationship in February this year. It meant alot to me. I do love and miss that boy very much, even though he's said the nastiest of things to me to make me feel used. It feels like I cannot walk out of this darkness, and I am haunted by the memories. I have since lost faith in mankind. I feel like everyone is out to get me.

    I have also recently left my job. I am currently studying and I was finding it very hard to juggle between work and school. Now that I am jobless, I feel like a grub because I am not earning any income or doing anything to contribute to society.

    I cannot think of any other ways out of this except the very final solution. I am so tired of trying I feel like surrendering.

    I quit.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Studying is a valid enterprise imo. Students do contribute to the world by broadening their own minds and experiences, and then they take that into the world.

    I'm sorry about the relationship that went awry. If he was nasty and hurtful, all I can say is that you deserve better than that. However, our feelings for people don't stop abruptly, so of course you are hurting and even missing him. Allow yourself to grieve this loss and to miss him - it's normal. Break ups and being hurt by others does make it harder to trust people and feel trust in humanity. It can come back once we have processed our grief. Letting someone get close to us makes us vulnerable. For a while, you probably won't feel like letting others get too close. That gives you a chance to get to know people "slowly" so you can actually build up trust over time and across many different experiences with them. When we are in a relationship with someone, sometimes we jump right in and rush to just trust them. Now you will want to go slowly, and that's not a bad thing for a while.

    Maybe for now, work on liking yourself for who YOU are. What are your interests? What are you studying? What things are important to you? Maybe making a list of the things that you find important and the things that you do and enjoy will help you find some reasons to keep going and doing those things.

    You are far from worthless! I hope you claim your place in the world, sweetie, and that you don't allow one bad egg to spoil the millions of other eggs who could be very good to you! :)
  5. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    cotton, I know how you feel, whenever you feel down, reach to me. I said that to you right? I'm here if you need someone. You are not that "I am a grub. A pointless grub. A waste of space and resources. A bane to society." You are someone who is currently in so much pain. I sadden me to see you like this. I want you to be okay. I know about that feeling you mentioned about your boyfriend too. But move on girl, you need to open up. *hug
  6. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind replies.

    I'm aware that I should be patient with myself and that everyone has their own pace when it comes to dealing with an issue like grief. But it's been a very long time now and I can't seem to find the light of the tunnel. It makes me feel hopeless, and it's as though things will always remain the same no matter how much time I give it.

    I am pretty much set on doing it. The only thing that's holding me back is the time and place. I wish for it to happen at a place where no one will find me. I am still in search of that place.
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    In addition to the wise words of Acy - (I would echo them anyway) - Have you considered living life to the fullest that you can? Of course, being set on suicide makes one believe it's the only way out - but contrary to that belief, there's multiple ways out - death is an ultimatum that everything has to go through from animals and humans to plants and even stars in the sky. It doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting the tide of the thoughts and feelings that accompany depression and suicidiality, where we would (as there are examples aplenty on here), offer support and encouragement to others but not treat ourselves in the same way.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is help hun you go the the councilor at the uni ok you use them to help you pull out of the darkness Please hun you deserve support and care and it is there for you just reach out to them ok hugs
  9. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response, all. I am having a relatively good moment right now and am not feeling extremely suicidal at this point but I know the downs are gonna come back and get me again soon.

    I have been seeing a therapist, total eclipse. Thank you for the suggestion. Hugs to you too. Her schedule is very packed so I only get to see her once a month though.

    Yes, fighting the tide, I guess there are other solutions to this but I'm probably just too blinded by the darkness to see any. I've been searching and hunting but, nothing. It's all just bleak.
  10. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Keep seeking ideas from other people here then :) Many of us look out for others better than we look out for ourselves (from what I've noted), so the support network can go a long way to restoring some element of life (depending on how those who are in the positions of depression actually read into it).

    But ultimately - those decisions about your life and where you go with it can only come from you. It's not all over as you have had time to register and post a few times already on here :)
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