The Phantom says Hi...

[ThePhantomLady]

Hi.

I'm a female of 25 years.

While some people, and I too often say "I don't know how to adult" ... I don't know how to human.


My life has been full of abuse, people who were supposed to naturally care and love me just couldn't.
I haven't really had any help, I have used my own messed up coping mechanisms since I was just a kid and while I did educate myself and work as a secretary in the health sector for a while (obese kids), I never really planned ahead. I am now unemployed and just stuck in a rot.

For some reason I never imagined I'd have a life after I turned 25. I don't know why that was the number... but it did make me cancel any celebration of my 25th Birthday.

My boyfriend is the reason why I'm trying to get help... I even sought therapy but I've been put way down the waiting list and can first expect to get help in 6 months... at the moment I don't know if I can make it that far.

I am here because he deserve a better me.

 

[Petal]

Hi there,

If you are currently actively suicidal the treatment centre should put you on the higher list and prioritize you. Can you afford to get therapy privately? You could find some cheap ones locally!

I'm sure your boyfriend loves you ad hates seeing you like this. Do this for him and you.

I am sorry for what you have been through, you have had it hard but help is at hand here, welcome :hugs:

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Hi there,

If you are currently actively suicidal the treatment centre should put you on the higher list and prioritize you. Can you afford to get therapy privately? You could find some cheap ones locally!

Thank you for the welcome

I can hardly support myself financially (and for reasons I don't let my boyfriend help me with money) so I'm stuck waiting for the treatment.



my problem is that I'm an 'expert' in looking okay. They don't know I am actively suicidal... I went drastically downhill after two consultants at the centre told me I might not be worth 'wasting money on treating'

 

[Petal]

What did they mean by not worth wasting money on treating? As in the treatment won't work or being cruel to you. If cruel, that is really low.

I feel for you. I really do. Can you ask the centre if there is any way they can move you up on the list?

 

[ThePhantomLady]

What did they mean by not worth wasting money on treating? As in the treatment won't work or being cruel to you. If cruel, that is really low.

I feel for you. I really do. Can you ask the centre if there is any way they can move you up on the list?

My country is cutting back drastically on healthcare. I was basically told that since some of my issues stem from childhood issues and I was "still alive" then perhaps it was a waste to treat me now.

This was a case worker, and not a therapist who said it, but it just hurt... and I can't understand what that is supposed to mean.

 

[Acy]

Hi, and welcome to SF! I'm sorry for all you've been through and that you're on a long waiting list. A long waiting list is common in many places these days. If you are in crisis, call the paramedics and/or go to the A&E / ER of your local hospital.

Many depressed people become "experts" in looking and sounding okay. The drawback to looking and sounding okay (but hurting underneath) is that other people cannot read our minds to know what we feel/think. They may believe that we are truly okay and thus not see how much we're struggling. And then they might make silly statements such as it would be "a waste of money" to treat this person. I can't say, of course, but I wonder if the context for that kind of statement was "We have someone who is obviously suicidal in room 1, and we have Phantom who is 'doing okay' in room 2. We can only treat one of them. Which one do we treat if we are going to be cost-effective?" At the very least, their comment was rude and insensitive to you, even if it had a "context" that explains it a bit! I'm sorry they said it!

At the end of the day, it's kind of up to us to remove our "okay" mask and let our doctors/consultants/counsellors/therapists know up front what is going on with us. I know it can be hard and scary and kind of embarrassing - who wants to say they feel that badly? - but honesty is really the best way to get the right help.

For both you and your relationship with your BF, stay on the waiting list - get the help as soon as it's available. If things get worse, go to the A&E / ER. And please, keep talking to us here. We will listen and care.

Be safe and stay strong. :hug:


EDIT: Just saw that your case worker made the comment. Sounds like she or he was thinking, "If it's been this long and you're still alive, you're not hurting much, so we'll treat someone whose pain is more obvious." I guess resources/money are very tight and the case workers must make tough calls. But that his/her attitude was invalidating of your feelings. Very insensitive!

I think that if you are really struggling, you might consider talking to the case worker or a doctor again and be more open about your feelings - take off the "okay" mask so you can get some help.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I should have gone to the ER yesterday, in a way I suppose I still should. I've hurt myself...

but the problem is, the doctors I worked for until I was let go 6 months (due to budget issues) sometimes do shifts in the ER. I can't handle the risk of running into my former employers in that state and I can't afford the train ticket to the next hospital.

I feel a bit lost...


But I'm going to email the treatment center in the morning, when this hangover should have cleared and try to explain what happened this weekend and see if they can get me some help sooner than Feb.


I don't want to 'accidentally' kill myself.

 

[Acy]

Hey, Phantom...I can understand the feeling of not wanting to face people you know at the hospital ER...The most important thing is that you are safe and cared about. If you need to go when someone you know is there, I hope you'll go. If you can wait until later, that's fine. Thinking of you. Be safe!

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Welcome aboard.... Take Care of yourself

 

[LostInDreamland]

Hello Phantom

I am so glad you joined SF. I recently joined myself and have found it helpful to talk to people who, even if they have not experience similar thing, are willing to listen and offer their perspective without judging you. We are all struggling here sometime with similar things and sometimes with things that are completely different, yet I have not found anyone that invalidates my struggles here. Also it comforts me to know that there are people that have been suicidal for years and are still alive (although I also wish that no one else had to struggle with the same things I do). It is not easy, and I won't try to tell you that it is. Fighting to stay alive is hard, it is fucking hard, but I will tell you that even when it does not seem like it, fighting is worth it. I am so glad that you have a good guy in your life.

It is really embarrassing to appear to your co-workers and employers (even former employers) as weak or needing any sort of help and I understand that completely. I do hope though that you will seek emergency help if you become really suicidal again. Maybe you can go in and ask who is working and if there is anyone you know ask that you are not treated by them because you know them.

I understand wanting to keep your mask on and not showing how much you hurt. It can also become so habitual that you have to work to take it off. I myself have trouble with that. It seems unnatural to let people see that you are in pain (at least it is for me) and for me it is a way I coped with a lot by not letting people see that they hurt me or that I am in pain.

Keep fighting. You are valuable.