The plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dharma4815162342, Feb 11, 2010.

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  1. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    I have a date set and a plan. Now I just need to wait for it all to come together. Its kind of exciting.

    What brought me to this point? I realized that no one but a therapist, whom i would have to pay, will ever be able to deal with who I am. And a life with no real friends and a therapist being the only person who understands me isnt the kind of life I want. I trusted someone... a friend. I thought he would be there for me and understand. But yesterday he asked me that now that my "crisis" is over if I wouldnt talk to him about it anymore. He said he wanted to be as far away from my therapist as he could be. This is the last person in a long string of people who have rejected me because of my depression or who reject my depression. If they reject my depression they reject me. No one will ever be able to look at me completley, arms cut up, life a mess, gun to my head, and be able to say, "you, I choose to love you." thats not how life works. They might say, "put down the gun and I will love you as long as you never do anything like this again." but thats not really unconditional love now is it? Its a paradox. If I dont have someone to turn to when I'm feeling upset then there is no way I will ever be able to overcome this. It can't be a therapist because having to pay someone for love isnt real love. And no one can be there for me or love me when I'm in those types of situations.

    I am on my own. I never thought I would actually do it. Now its all I can think about. I have a real purpose to my life once again. I never thought death would spur on life so much. If I fail I dont want to have to deal with school being an issue, so I'm waiting until after I graduate. Which makes me want to work hard and actually graduate this semester. Also, if I'm using a gun I have to save up for it, so it gives me a reason to go to work. Life and death really are interconnected.
  2. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I have been here sooo many times I have lost count! I'm not there just now, haven't been for a long time now (a long time to me anyhow). You may be wondering what made the difference? I'll tell you....... a therapist! It's not buying love as you say because, a therapist won't love you, they are not paid to love you but to help you deal with all your hurt and pain and problems in a practical way =) If you went to see a Doctor for a physical problem, you wouldn't expect them to love you would you? What is the difference?
    I also dealt with people who seemed to be rejecting me. Seeing my therapist made me realise that these people were not rejecting me, they were rejecting my depression. The average person doesn't know how to handle someone elses depression, especially if that person is someone who they love. They don't know what to do and it makes them feel inadiquate so, they would rather reject the depression. Also sometimes they just try a different tactic...... ignore it and try to stick to healthier, happier subjects.
    This is no reflection on you. I think you would do well with a therapist..... at least give it a try before you dismiss it =)
    I hope this helps in some way, you just have to change the way you see things. Sounds easy I know but, it does help.
    I'm around now and then if you need someone to talk to, if not, there are many people here who will understand..... take your pick! lol
    Lea :hug:
  3. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    I am exactly where I dont want to be. I am completley dependent upon my therapist and my church leader and my mother for life. They are the only things keeping me barely afloat and I dont want that. I dont want to have to be cared about. I want people to choose to. Why the fuck can't I just get better?
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we have to become dependent on a therapist, in order to move forward. think of it like a child and a parent, and eventually the child grows more and more independent away from the therapist, and this can be what therapy is like for some people.

    Have you talked to your therapist about how you feel?

    If you keep fighting, you'll hopefully get to where you want to be, and hopefully you'll be 'better' (not sure what that means anymore).

    I also want you to know that I do know of people who have mental health problems and are loved regardless of those problems, people who have been married for decades, or just got engaged, or married, or who are dating. There are people out there who will care no matter what baggage you bring.
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