I have a date set and a plan. Now I just need to wait for it all to come together. Its kind of exciting. What brought me to this point? I realized that no one but a therapist, whom i would have to pay, will ever be able to deal with who I am. And a life with no real friends and a therapist being the only person who understands me isnt the kind of life I want. I trusted someone... a friend. I thought he would be there for me and understand. But yesterday he asked me that now that my "crisis" is over if I wouldnt talk to him about it anymore. He said he wanted to be as far away from my therapist as he could be. This is the last person in a long string of people who have rejected me because of my depression or who reject my depression. If they reject my depression they reject me. No one will ever be able to look at me completley, arms cut up, life a mess, gun to my head, and be able to say, "you, I choose to love you." thats not how life works. They might say, "put down the gun and I will love you as long as you never do anything like this again." but thats not really unconditional love now is it? Its a paradox. If I dont have someone to turn to when I'm feeling upset then there is no way I will ever be able to overcome this. It can't be a therapist because having to pay someone for love isnt real love. And no one can be there for me or love me when I'm in those types of situations. I am on my own. I never thought I would actually do it. Now its all I can think about. I have a real purpose to my life once again. I never thought death would spur on life so much. If I fail I dont want to have to deal with school being an issue, so I'm waiting until after I graduate. Which makes me want to work hard and actually graduate this semester. Also, if I'm using a gun I have to save up for it, so it gives me a reason to go to work. Life and death really are interconnected.