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The point is....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joyless56, Oct 4, 2007.

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  1. joyless56

    joyless56 Member

    ..just to get you to read my post.

    I never knew there was a place I could talk about my feelings about this without some bleeding heart taking it on as their mission to save me. Not that saving me isn't, in someone's life, a noble pursuit. It's just that...when someone tries to 'save' me, I feel obligated to act like I'm saved. God knows, I don't want my death to make someone feel responsible.

    I'm 51. Father died when I was 17. Mother comitted suicide when I was 19. Got married at 29, then divorced ("I don't think I ever loved you") at 34. None of this is about me. It happened; it wasn't like fate decided to crap on my personal parade. I don't blame anyone.

    I CAN say that somewhere in there my coping abilities were stretched to the limit, and I've never gotten them back.

    I have a son who is 21. I will not kill myself outright. I may take risks; smoke, drink, whatever...but I cannot do to him what my mother did to me. Even tho we never got together, what I learned from her suicide was that suicide is an option. I know that if I live, things might suck for the rest of my life. If I kill myself, there will be no chance that I am wrong. it is likely that I will hang out until I die of natural causes, engineer a painless and undetectable suicide, or jump from a bridge. Oh, that's not a good idea; I swim too well.

    I've tried counseling, numerous meds (under the care of a psychiatrist for the last 20 years, until he suggested I see some freudian chick for intensive therapy that would last AT LEAST three years). I am, at the very least, disillusioned. Psychiatrists prescribe meds like a crap shoot; they don't have a clue, but are willing to keep trying. As soon as my psychiatrist suggested the 'intensive therapy' option (after 20 years working with him), I realized that (1) he gave up, and (2) he wasn't willing to say that and possibly lose me as a paying client.

    It's all a scam. Psychiatrists don't know squat. Psychologists gave me tons of affirmation...but paying someone to tell me I'm okay is somewhat...unconvincing.

    But I'm going to hang around, I think. The downside for others is worse than the downside for me, putting up with this life of mine.

    The thing that bothers me is that I really believe that there are some wonderful things out there that I, for some reason, am unable to get any pleasure from. A clear blue sky. A sunset. A field of goldenrod. Woods to hike through, creeks to kayak through, country roads to bike. I know it is the anhedonia that accompanies depression. I wish I did not feel that this is my destiny.
  2. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    WOW you have had a pretty crap life... I only say this becuase counsellors and those people you talk to dont want you to think that... they want you to think that all the crap is normal and your just taking it personally .... but i feel that you have to see the crap for what it is before you can accept that there are better things for you....

    Hmmm did that even make sence LOL sorry
  3. joyless56

    joyless56 Member

    No, not crap like little kids being sexually or physically abused, or abandoned or neglected. Not crap like kids with physical diabilities.

    I think that for some reason, some people have the resiliance to survive atrocities. And some of us lack enough resiliance to deal with a few crappy things.

    To give credit where credit is due, I've had counselors that gave me tons of affirmation (i.e. "you are a lovable person"..."your feelings are normal".."you have so much going for you"). They meant well, I know. But they didn't know that my mother taught me that what other people think of me is not as important as what I think of myself. Only in my case it backfired; even if others think well of me, it is my low opinion of myself that counts.

    But see..even if there are not 'better things for me', I think of that as a fairy tale....and that I need to find a reason to live, whether or not there are better things for me.

    And you?
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