the point of it all ...

[jake.007]

in those moments when the fog lifts a bit and you can take a clear, objective look at you and your life ... in those moments you can see that you are absolutely empty. your life will never be "better" or "happier," whatever those concepts mean. you have spent your life going through motions and you have caused inflicted pain and hurt on those unfortunate enough to come within your orbit ... in those moments, it is plain that there is no reason to continue the charade of life -- in fact, you would be doing a service to those others in your life who are drowning in the pain and sadness you thrust on them every day. freed of being tethered to you, they will finally have a chance to be happy and successful.

this is just a rant ... it is not an invitation for a dialog. i know what i am and all i can ever be, and i know what the right thing for me to do is. "emptiness has its solace in that there's nothing left to lose."

 

[Lekatt]

I don't think you do, know who you are that is.

 

[jake.007]

i know exactly what i am ... i know that i am empty and worthless and harmful ... i know that i have wasted everything and hurt everyone ... i know that there is nothing more

 

[Lekatt]

I think that is what you aspire to be. You are really a good person.

 

[Lara_C]

i know that i am empty and worthless and harmful ... i know that i have wasted everything and hurt everyone ... i know that there is nothing more

I think you need to empty your mind of these thoughts and then see what you are without them. Don't hold on to them, let them fade back into nothingness .

 

[jake.007]

why is that a good idea? why is hiding from the truth a good thing ... especially when doing so allows me to simply continue to live a life that causes others such pain?

 

[Lekatt]

Don't hide from the truth, face it. Why would you want to continue a life of pain?

 

[jake.007]

that's exactly my point ... when i'm truly honest with myself, i cannot hide from the truth that i am a horrible, toxic person who causes pain to others and is the source of constant unhappiness for them ... why would i ever want to continue such a life?

 

[Lekatt]

I agree, now just give it up, forgive yourself and enjoy life.

 

[jake.007]

i will give it up, thank you ... that is my plan ... i will never forgive myself, but i will do my very best to enjoy my last few days

 

[Walker]

I'm sorry you're feeling terrible Jake. Some people here do know you and genuinely know that you aren't an awful person or that you deserve to die for some reason. Hopefully inside you also know that as well. You really do deserve more than what you're selling yourself.

 

[jake.007]

thank you, but you're wrong ... i know what i am. i am, objectively, an evil, awful person without regard to whether i may have fooled people into thinking differently. i do deserve to die ... i don't say this casually. i believe almost everyone has some value, some redeeming quality that should be preserved and nurtured. however, i fall outside that group. i am one of those very few people who will make the world better, happier when i depart it.

 

[Lara_C]

why is that a good idea? why is hiding from the truth a good thing ... especially when doing so allows me to simply continue to live a life that causes others such pain?

. i know what i am. i am, objectively, an evil, awful person

If you were as evil as you think you are you wouldn't care about others pain, certainly not to the point of killing yourself to spare them more. That concern, remorse or regret comes from a deeper part of you, your compassionate core which you are not recognising and which has the power to change your self image which after all is only a bundle of thoughts in your mind, not what you really are in your heart. It's also the source of self forgiveness for the mistakes you have made. So focus on your heart, not the thoughts in your head which blind you to it.

it seems to me that you may be more sinned against than a sinner yourself. It's common for victims of abuse and mistreatment to blame themselves for the abuse, as if they have some inherent flaw which caused it

 

[jake.007]

whether or not it is true that there is some tiny vestigial bit of kindness or compassion buried deep within me under mountains of evil and hatred, there is nonetheless nothing good that would come of my continuing to live. unless i was committed to growing and using that part of me (which is not an admission on my part that such a part actually exists), i will continue to hurt others ... nothing i do in the future can undo all of the damage i have done. the closest i can come to making anything better for those people is to end my life.

 

[Lara_C]

unless i was committed to growing and using that part of me (which is not an admission on my part that such a part actually exists), i will continue to hurt others ..

You seem to have ruled out becoming a better person in your own eyes by living more from your heart or centre?

nothing i do in the future can undo all of the damage i have done. the closest i can come to making anything better for those people is to end my life.

Why would killing yourself make anything better for them?

 

[jake.007]

i've ruled out becoming a better person because i know what i am and i know that i am incapable of being a better person. at the first instance of adversity, when things become difficult, i revert always to the piece of shit i am at my core. i am too lazy, too egotistic, too fundamentally awful to be the person that i sincerely wish i would have become before it was too late.

with regard to your second question, obviously my suicide certainly does not guarantee anyone happiness. but it will put them in a position to be happy. they will not be trapped in the horrible life i have thrust on them.

 

[Lara_C]

i've ruled out becoming a better person because i know what i am and i know that i am incapable of being a better person. at the first instance of adversity, when things become difficult, i revert always to the piece of shit i am at my core. i am too lazy, too egotistic, too fundamentally awful to be the person that i sincerely wish i would have become before it was too late.

The fact that you wish you had become a better person imo shows that there is a better aspect of you which you're not recognizing. Changing your outer persona to bring it into more alignment with your better self can be hard work, but the battle is mostly getting into the mindset of continually rejecting the habitual self sabotaging thoughts which tell you you are bad to the core and incapable of change. I personally don't believe anything is fixed immutably and people can and do change. Plus, you are probably judging what you've done in the past too harshly.

You sincerely regret whatever it is, and that counts for something don't you think? To my mind it is your guarantee that you are not the faulty persona or self image you presently identify yourself as/with and can rediscover your innate potential and goodness underneath the layers and layers of negative conditioning you've accumulated

 

[jake.007]

regrets and apologies, sincere though they may be, change nothing. no matter what else i do going forward, i cannot undo the damage i have already done. likewise that others might actually forgive me for these harms and the hurt i have inflicted does not cure anything ... that they are better people than me is a given, and i will choose to hate myself for as long as i continue for all that i have done. recognizing that i could have been a better person amounts to nothing, as well. everyone had a chance to be better, to do better. i did not choose that path, though ... it may even have been a conscious choice; i really don't know. knowing this does not reflect some innate "goodness" in my being, though ... i suck. i am awful to my core and, though i might have been someone good, someone of value, someone who might have contributed in even the smallest way to making things better, i did not do that and i will not do that if i choose to stay alive. it is not who/what i am. i am, in your words, "bad to the core and incapable of change," and this is not a harsh judgment. it simply is the truth.

thank you for trying. i sincerely appreciate your efforts and acknowledge that speaking to me about such matters is akin to bludgeoning yourself or beating your head against wall. you are a genuinely good person, Lara, and you should save yourself further frustration ... i am right about all of these things. i am honestly, truly not worth the time or energy you are spending in this communication.

 

[Lara_C]

I think you are a good person deep down as well jake, despite what you say about yourself. I wish you peace in your heart. Please take care .

 

[jake.007]

thank you, Lara ... we will have to agree to disagree about what i am, but thank you for trying. be well, stay safe always.