The possibility of ending my life has never felt so real.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LifeGivesYouLemons, Dec 4, 2011.

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  1. I was in a terrible relationship when I was 19. It was my first experience with sex. I was young and incredibly trusting of this guy, who was five years my senior. He had a very small penis and said he hated using condoms because they never fit right. I insisted we use a condom, but he eventually bullied me into having unprotected sex with him. I had always had low self esteem, so I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't.

    The stupid thing was that we were never actually together. I was only ever an affair to him, and I supposed I wanted to believe it was something more. I eventually dumped him about a year ago, when I caught the attention of a boy at my school. I wasn't used to having a guy be so nice to me, let alone one so attractive (my ex had gotten progressively fatter and balder as our relationship progressed), so I think I let myself believe what we had was more than it was. I fell in love with him, and it really messed me up when he left me for his 40-year-old English prof about a month later.

    I was more depressed than I had ever been and it led me to make some very stupid choices that resulted in an STD scare. Even though I dodged that bullet, it left me with a constant paranoia of getting a disease, and I kept to myself for months until my ex, now separated from his English prof cougar, came back and we ended up in a friends-with-benefits situation that was pretty emotionally damaging for me in the end. When that was over, I found I had reached an even lower low, and dated a couple of guys I met online. One of them turned out to be some sort of sadist. Despite this, I was convinced he was the one for me, and was pretty devastated when I realized he had only wanted to get in my pants.

    I was just about ready to declare myself celibate when I met a new guy. He was funny, nice, and we had just about the same taste in everything. I waited a long while before sleeping with him, but it wasn't even 4 days after I did that I found out I had somehow contracted HPV. I was assured that symptoms wouldn't develop so quickly, so I was convinced my new guy didn't give it to me. However, the second time we slept together, my symptoms got worse and I am now suspicious that it is not only HPV that I have. In addition to this, he's now started being very mean to me and I can only assume that he knows he gave me something and is trying to distance himself so as not to feel guilty.

    Yesterday, I was looking at my baby pictures. As I looked at that little girl's face, I realized that she's dead, and I wondered how I let a group of misogynist idiots who happened to cross my path rob me of not only my innocence, but my health and happiness as well. I look down at that little girl, and I feel full of remorse. I feel guilty for letting her down. This is not the person she wanted to become. She deserved better. I can't live as a pod of disease. I can't do this, especially not alone. But I have no one in the world who gives even a quarter of a shit about me. I've decided that I have fucked up my life in the stupidest of ways, and the only way I can escape it is by dying. I know I'm going to kill myself, I just don't know when or how.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun the hell with all the guys okay YOU have to give a shit about you okay you have to do what it takes to heal that child inside you you get some therapy to heal to increase your self esteem and you move forward okay You can do this you can have that life you deserve please don't give these guys any more power then they have taken already YOU take back the power and you become that strong independant person you know you can be okay I care about you i do and i hope and pray you get the help you need and deserve to be happy hun hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have done so many things in my life which I never thought I could forgive myself for, but somehow, I have been able to for most of them...it took a while and constant work, but today, I feel less ashamed and more compassionate...I did what I did, and I have to move on...there are other options, and you seem to want to change and treat yourself like you envision that little girl deserves to be treated...this is a helpful place to start to work on creating a more content 'you'...why not speak to someone who can professionally guide you with this?
     
  4. I do have a therapist but it's so hard to even think about how to get over my problems when I feel like I'm on a sinking ship-- a tainted vessel. I really do want to die. I want to end it, and I can't say that sort of stuff to my therapist because I don't want to be committed right now. And I really can't afford it, although sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't just be the best thing
    For me. I imagine it's quite relaxing, not to feel any responsibility for myself any
    longer-- to let the doctors figure it out, and fix me.
     
  5. I do have a therapist but it's so hard to even think about how to get over my problems when I feel like I'm on a sinking ship-- a tainted vessel. I really do want to die. I want to end it, and I can't say that sort of stuff to my therapist because I don't want to be committed right now. And I really can't afford it, although sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't just be the best thing
    For me. I imagine it's quite relaxing, not to feel any responsibility for myself any
    longer-- to let the doctors figure it out, and fix me.
     
  6. jns

    jns Member

    Unless you contract Herpes, all STD's and STI's are quite easily cured. HPV is a pain in the ass for a lot of people and can cause complications in some cases but generally, it's not a huge deal. There are ways of treating it and curing it, and time will help you see the situation more clearly. Unfortunately, however, you cannot be cured of assholes. You will meet many, many assholes in your life. I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you're going to meet many more in your time. But you sound like a wonderful person and you will find someone who appreciates you and doesn't treat you like garbage. You will. Don't get caught in the trap of thinking that your younger self deserved better. People grow up, people change. We all find ourselves in fucked up situations that we could never have possibly imagined being in when we were young. That's life. We just have to deal with those situations in the best way that we can. You are who you are today, and from your post I can tell you are a trusting, honest, intelligent and beautiful person. Please, please, please, don't kill yourself. You've made the right move posting on this forum. Keep us updated. If I sound like an asshole, I'm sorry. :D
     
  7. It's easy to sit there and tell me that hpv is not a big deal, but it is really hard to accept when you've been told that you have something that can be treated but will stay in your body forever. I don't mean to sound bitchy, because I know you were trying to be helpful. But it's not my logical brain that has a problem with the diagnosis. This is an emotional response to the idea of having an std.

    and no, I don't have herpes. I am glad about that every waking second. If there was something that would trigger me to kill myself, it would be that. But the thing I think I have is way worse than that. I don't even want to mention it because I feel like vocalizing this fear makes it real somehow. All I know is that I'd rather die on my own terms than be killed by some stupid disease.
     
  8. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Most guys are horny and just want sex. I even knew a few that trick women into believing that they are serious. The damage is real. And you really have to stop having sex and relationships to heal. I'm not an expert. But I read a book called," I kissed dating goodbye."
     
  9. I know. I want to just stop. I hate sex now. Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. And men. They disgust me. The dumb thing is that I always suspect they are lying. I don't trust any man as far as I can throw him. But sometimes I just get unbearably lonely, and it's tempting to take comfort in some of their lies. The only time anyone has ever wanted me or been nice to me is because they wanted to have sex.

    Guys see a pretty girl and assume that is all she is good for. Men also seem to have this twisted understanding of female sexuality as something that is inherently masochistic. But I don't want to be treated like that anymore and I guess the only way is to just stay away from men forever.
     
  10. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I have HPV and I was pretty freaked out about it at first, but it's really not that big of a deal...and I'm not saying that just cause it's easy to say, being that I have it too, I'm saying it cause it's true. I didn't find out I had it until a few years or so after I contracted it probably, so when I got tested it came up as high grade. But I had a LEEP procedure done and ever since, it's been low-grade and under control. As long as you see your gyno regularly, there's no way it can hurt you. By the way, about 85% of sexually active people will have contracted HPV sometime in their life. It's the most popular STD. So, you're not alone. Also, in most people who have it, it actually does go away for good eventually. I don't know where you heard that it's necessarily going to stay in your body forever, but that's not necessarily true.
     
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