I was in a terrible relationship when I was 19. It was my first experience with sex. I was young and incredibly trusting of this guy, who was five years my senior. He had a very small penis and said he hated using condoms because they never fit right. I insisted we use a condom, but he eventually bullied me into having unprotected sex with him. I had always had low self esteem, so I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't. The stupid thing was that we were never actually together. I was only ever an affair to him, and I supposed I wanted to believe it was something more. I eventually dumped him about a year ago, when I caught the attention of a boy at my school. I wasn't used to having a guy be so nice to me, let alone one so attractive (my ex had gotten progressively fatter and balder as our relationship progressed), so I think I let myself believe what we had was more than it was. I fell in love with him, and it really messed me up when he left me for his 40-year-old English prof about a month later. I was more depressed than I had ever been and it led me to make some very stupid choices that resulted in an STD scare. Even though I dodged that bullet, it left me with a constant paranoia of getting a disease, and I kept to myself for months until my ex, now separated from his English prof cougar, came back and we ended up in a friends-with-benefits situation that was pretty emotionally damaging for me in the end. When that was over, I found I had reached an even lower low, and dated a couple of guys I met online. One of them turned out to be some sort of sadist. Despite this, I was convinced he was the one for me, and was pretty devastated when I realized he had only wanted to get in my pants. I was just about ready to declare myself celibate when I met a new guy. He was funny, nice, and we had just about the same taste in everything. I waited a long while before sleeping with him, but it wasn't even 4 days after I did that I found out I had somehow contracted HPV. I was assured that symptoms wouldn't develop so quickly, so I was convinced my new guy didn't give it to me. However, the second time we slept together, my symptoms got worse and I am now suspicious that it is not only HPV that I have. In addition to this, he's now started being very mean to me and I can only assume that he knows he gave me something and is trying to distance himself so as not to feel guilty. Yesterday, I was looking at my baby pictures. As I looked at that little girl's face, I realized that she's dead, and I wondered how I let a group of misogynist idiots who happened to cross my path rob me of not only my innocence, but my health and happiness as well. I look down at that little girl, and I feel full of remorse. I feel guilty for letting her down. This is not the person she wanted to become. She deserved better. I can't live as a pod of disease. I can't do this, especially not alone. But I have no one in the world who gives even a quarter of a shit about me. I've decided that I have fucked up my life in the stupidest of ways, and the only way I can escape it is by dying. I know I'm going to kill myself, I just don't know when or how.