The problem with suicide prevention planning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MinnBiker, May 30, 2016.

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  1. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    I have struggled off and on with suicidal ideation since I was 11 years old, and as a young adult I had a "plan" of sorts that always brought me back to reality. I promised myself I would never kill myself without first destroying everything I had ever written. Now that I am 55 I don't much care about what I've written. I'm told I really need to make a list of friends and family members who I can call when I'm feeling suicidal, but there is no one left. Throughout the years everyone I've known has left me because they cannot stand the depression or the PTSD. Trying to talk to friends is so excruciating that I just have given up. I'm told that isolating myself is bad, but I see no other options when it comes to protecting myself. So how else do I create a "suicide prevention plan?"
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hello Holly, welcome to the forum. I can relate to what you're saying, I basically found myself without any family left and had isolated myself from friends because I didn't want to be around people, I didn't like being depressed and anxious around company. Yes isolation is not a good idea, it makes the depression darker and the suicidal thoughts more prevalent. I came here and it's really helped me, I have people who understand and support me. So I believe you've come to the right place. Hope you continue to post and give it a try. Take care
  3. Odd_Panda24

    Odd_Panda24 Member

    I found out that going to a new location helps, no one knows you but is willing to meet you. Maybe that's what you need, someone who doesnt yet know your past, but knows the "present" you. The only thing about it is, you have to be willing to open up to new people, not all at once, but at your own pace. It really does help when you start to isolate yourself and cant bring yourself to trust those already around you and that have stopped trying to be there when you needed them the most. Joining something as small as a weekly activity could help or a new job etc. Changing something in your routine/location could help you see more than where you currently are.
    Freya and SillyOldBear like this.
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Some general observations on your post-I am a survivor of suicidal ideation more than ten years sober. Calling family and friends to talk about my suicidal thoughts always went bad on me. Those people couldn't relate at all to the way that I saw myself in the world so those discussions actually made feel worse about myself, not better. As far as people abandoning you because of your problems goes-I'd consider it a gift from God. If that's how little those people care about you it's good riddance to bad rubbish. You don't need people like that in your life-let them go.

    Some thoughts on isolation-it all comes down to how you perceive yourself and the meaning of your solitude. I eventually fell in love with the time I spent alone because I knew that it was an honest expression of who I was. Instead of perceiving the situation as a sign that I was a broken person or sick in the head, I chose to see my tendency to isolate as a divine expression of my inner truth. There isn't a lot of truth left in the world (in my opinion)-there is a lot of fabrication and exaggeration, even outright deception is common place these days. People who are brave enough to live their truth with pride are refreshing and much needed.

    I strongly advice you to try to make peace with your thoughts-see them as well-meaning friends, not enemies. When you start making peace with your thoughts instead of fighting against them a strange thing starts happening-your thoughts start to change, then your whole perception of yourself begins to shift. When my suicidal thoughts were at their worst-it was because I hated myself. I believed that I didn't deserve anything good in life. I'd listened to the opinions of the people around me for so long that I'd started to agree with them-they told me I was a failure and I believed them. They told me that I was a broken person who could never be fixed and I believed that too. Its decades into the future now and those people who thought so badly of me were wrong.

    My life is totally different today-I don't rage against my own thoughts anymore. I understand why certain thoughts are there, I understand why they are important and necessary, I just don't allow them to take center stage in my life and overwhelm me. I know that they mean well-they're trying to help me, not hurt me so I forgive them if they go astray. I try to always keep my thoughts in proper perspective. Most importantly I never let other peoples opinions of me become my opinions of myself. In closing-tremendous healing is possible in your life. It all starts with you and a careful examination of your relationship with yourself and your own thoughts. Forgive yourself for what has gone before and be willing to create a new reality for yourself. When you open yourself up to new possibilities in your life-they seek out and find you. The old adage is true-when you change your thoughts, you change your life. I am living proof.
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  5. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    Hi Holly
    I get your frustration about suicide prevention plan, not having friends who can understand and relate to you what you feel. Normal people today are too removed to feel and mostly incapable of handling this problem. Anyone who goes into depression is left stranded this way. This is the reason this website is very useful. here you can make friends who are like you and support each other. We all are your friends here. keep posting and interacting with people you like here. You can use this forum in your suicide prevention plan if it makes sense.
  6. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    Thank you, folks, for your replies. As much as people tell me "isolation is bad" it doesn't feel as bad as so-called friends continually misunderstanding me or abandoning me when I'm depressed. I DO feel like I can get in touch inner feelings .... And some of them are suicidal, but that's just part of the package. This weekend I started re-reading the Orwell book, 1984, because my director at work essentially accused me of thoughtcrime, and it occurs to me that probably no one at work would understand the reference. So staying at home and re-reading a book about distopia is oddly reassuring.
  7. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    Well, here we are, another weekend in total isolation and feeling intense shame about it. There is this internalized message that if I don't "keep trying" to stay in touch with my fair weather friends then I am being irresponsible regarding my mental health. The problem is after 30 years of counseling and drugs, nothing is working. I'm tired. Last time I was dealing with a bully at work all friends abandoned me, so this time I say fuck it, if they can't show empathy I can't be bothered. Staying alone, staying numb is the only way to survive being targeted by a work bully when I'm already depressed. Support is bullshit.
  8. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What about coming into the chat room on here? Or calling a helpline, just to have someone to talk to.
  9. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    Never been in the chat room. Thanks for the invitation. I miss having community. I just have nothing left.
  10. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Minnbiker, I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I have no suicide prevention plan as most people I talk to including my wife think I am just spouting off about my feelings. My plan though is I think about my grandmother, Hannie, who was the one that had the most to do with who I am. She always told me when I was down have a piece of pie it will make things better. I miss her so much.
    Think of what you can do to make things better especially when it gets dark.
    MinnBiker and Brian777 like this.
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