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The question is "Will there ever be a time in my life that I'll be happy?"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cantgetup, Aug 2, 2009.

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  1. cantgetup

    cantgetup New Member

    I'm struggling even to write this because I get no time for myself what so ever.

    From the time I was born I was abused or neglect in some way. My biological father left my mom because she wouldn't abort me. When my mom remarried to an alcoholic and became one herself, she started to become abusive. And after my brother was born I became the whipping girl of the family. My brother was given everything and I was litterally given nothing. I had no friends and no life because I had to take care of the golden child while my parents were at the bar all the time. Even though I struggled in school I excelled at work for pure necessity since I was 13. I moved out at 16 with my boyfriend, graduated high school and went to Job Corp. Then the only man I knew as a father died. I never got any kind of support or acknowledgement because he wasn't my biological father. A flood destroyed all of my possessions so when I got out of Job Corp I had nothing. But my boyfriend (now husband) and I picked ourselves up and started a little life 10 years ago. I miscarried my first baby and no one came to support me. I have never had anyone but my husband. During that time my mom sold her house and over the course of three years she spent over $90,000 on her and my brother just having a good time. I applied for a PELL grant and after pulling teeth my mom signed it. I held a 4.0 for 3 semesters. When it came time to renew it, my mom refused to because she didn't go to college so why should I be able to? Now she's broke and can't hold down a job because she can't stand to be told what to do. She made my brother an alcoholic before he was 21 and their both homeless now. I had a baby 6 months ago and for the past 5 months they have lived with/off of me and my husband in a 2 bedroom apartment. They live in my baby's room. They have robbed me of my childhood, my adolescence, my education and now my life I worked sooo hard for. I worked from the bottom of the barrel to a managers position in the office field. I left to be a stay at home mom. But now I jsut sit all day with my baby and my mom mind fucking me. I feel like a failure as a mom becuase she constantly questions my decisions. I'm 29 years old and I live with my jobless, alcoholic mother. My husband may pay rent but she's still a major influence. I can't live here anymore. I never get time with my husband and she doesnt care that she's continuing to ruin my life. I can't kick her out and make her homeless. Even though I worked for as long as I did to plan and ahve a baby and be able to stay home and raise her. It didnt' work out. Now the only way to get away from my mother is to go back to work and put her in day care. Otherwise I willl continue to live under my mothers manipulation. Will this get better? Will I ever be happy? Will my husband stay with me? I wouldnt. I have no where to turn. We're down to one car so I can't just leave th house to get away. If there is a god, what did I do to deserve this? My life has been one tragedy after another. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Come December, if Mom doesnt get a job and continues to hang out on the couch and live off me then we can't move into a bigger place. I'm fucking suffocating! My husband and I can't have sex and everytime we have a moment together Mom comes around the corner. I'm so dead inside. I think about dying all day every day. I'm on antidepressants and I know I need a therapist but I'm afraid they'll take away my daughter if I'm honest with them. I hit myself, and I've cut myself. The only thing stopping me is my husband can't afford to bury me. And the fact that his dad killed himself. I make "cries for help" to my family all the time but they can't do anything for me. I even had my mom watch the last Dr. Phil episode about suicide and she came out in the living room because she was concerned for my brother. He climbed a rock a few months ago and fell. She thinks he's subconciously trying to kill himself. WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!!!! It's me who cuts and hits myself not my brother. It's me that cooks, cleans, and houses her. WHY COULDN'T SHE LOVE ME LIKE SHE LOVES HIM?!! Anyway that was a long tangent. I'm so tired anyway. Taking care of my daughter, cleaning and cooking and dealing with my crazy mom is pushing me to the edge. When do I get a break in life? I've never even left the state and I'm almost 30. I'm tired of being poor, broke down, tired, used and abused. I have no fear of dying. The only reason why I get out of bed in the morning is to take care of my daughter and thats it. I have one glimmer of hope. I entered an essay contest to win a house at the beach. I worked really hard on the essay even though its only 199 charectors long WITH spaces and I pray even though I don't believe in God, that my life may be leading up to this one break. I've never won anything in my life. I hope that my plea I submitted might win me this one chance at happiness. If not, I don't really know what will happen at that point. I might just die of heartbreak.
  2. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    dont give up. your daughter still needs you. :hug:
  3. Necromanti

    Necromanti Well-Known Member

    Okay, so I'm about to go to bed so I will keep this short, and my mind is a bit hazy...

    You have definitely had a hard life, but clearly, you are a survivor. You are married to a man that has been there for you, and you have a daughter. From what you have written, your life would be a HELL a lot better...IF your mom was not present.

    From reading what you just wrote, there is only one thing that you can do.

    Kick her the fuck out.

    I know it's harsh, but just read what you yourself have written. You have clearly made a life for yourself, and now she is destroying you all over again. Don't let her. I realize that she is your mom, but you cannot support her for the rest of your life, and especially not if it is going to KEEP YOU DOWN and make you suicidal. You have already done so much for her, considering how little she has done for you. Find her somewhere else to stay, but at the very least, get her out of there.

    You are old enough to be in control of your own life. You, your daughter and your husband are what you need to worry about, NOT your mom. She is old enough to be responsible for herself. You need to get her and your brother out of there, because they are leeching the life force out of you. Without them, you will have a chance to be happy, and free, which you have been in need of for so long, and have long deserved.

    I apologize if I made little sense. Time for sleep... Best of luck to you. :tongue:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2009
  4. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I agree ^^^

    Don't give up.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i agree. kick her out and tell her to say out. i understand that shes your mother. but you know what !!!!???

    no matter what you think about yourself .. you have done so well for you, your husband and now your baby. you have pulled yourself up from nothing and made yourself SOMEBODY.
    you were somebody to begin with, but alot of times we dont see that in ourselves.
    you have a life now with your husband and new baby. you have grown to quite a fine adult.
    look at what you have done for you. i as well, suggest that you get her out of your house ... if not for you but in case that she starts causing trouble where you dont need it.
    you will be happy, because you have your life, your husbands life and a baby thats ALL YOURS. that my friend is to be proud of. soooo, get up pack her things and tell her to move on. its about you and your family now.

    dont allow .. im sorry .. your mom to mess up what you worked so hard through many issues to achieve.

  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Just wanna add something.

    I have a feeling you would feel bad about kicking your mom out with no where to go, BUT from what you said she never did shit for you, she never seemed to worry about your future. So why worry about hers? Shes a grown woman and can take care of herself. Get your life back with YOUR family (husband, baby) and live your life how you want to. If you ever need to talk you can PM me.

    Sorry I didn't say this before. :(

  7. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about what's happening, it sounds like life has been really tough on you. But to be straight with you, your mom has to change or she has to go. She's the source of your problems and if she doesn't change life isn't going to get any better. You need to tell her if she doesn't shape up you're going to kick her out. Tell her she's making your life hell and you can't deal with it anymore, so she either needs to change her ways or find a new home.

    I know what you mean about suffocating, to an extent. My brother had friends similar to your mom, they would stay in our home 5-6 days a week straight, play music so loud you could hear it throughout the house, eat all of our food, destroy things and leave the place looking like a pig sty. They had dropped out of college, had no jobs and weren't looking for any, I couldn't do anything in my own house because there were always people everywhere.

    The solution? We told them to get out. You guys are fucking up my house and my life, get out and don't come back. The house is clean now, there's food in the kitchen and the place actually smells fresh. I'm not sorry they don't have a place to loaf around anymore and you shouldn't be either, you have just as much right to be happy as anyone and your mother is screwing you over. She needs to shape up or ship out and you need to get up the guts to tell her that, she's costing you the happiness that you deserve.
  8. Ridz

    Ridz Member

    honestly saying something i personally never believed but after every sun set there is always sun rise and if there is no sun rise atleast there wud b coulds again meaning after every black night there should always be white day if its not white i would be grey but remember grey is better than black ((((( something is better than nothing)))))
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have done so well to get alife for yourself and now you have a wonderful husband and daughter don't let you mother destroy them. They are your own she must move out just tell her your family comes first and always will.
    Tell her it is time for YOU now and you are not allowing her to destroy anything anymore. Take her to a shelter along with your brother and drop them off Lock your door they are not welcome unless they get their act together. Tuff Love yes but it is what is needed for you and for them
    Do yourself this kindness and your family YOU are important and YOU need to look after only you and your daughter and husband.
    Take care and i hope you have the strength to do this keep in touch let us know how you do.
  10. Ztemark

    Ztemark New Member

    Quoted for Emphasis.

    Kick them out and never give it a second thought. I know they're family, but really you should just take your current "not caring if you live or die" mindset for yourself and not care if your mom or your brother die, worst case scenario if you kick them out.

    Because why should you? Being pushed headfirst through someone's vagina doesn't make them your mom. Its when they take care of you and love you do they become your mom.

    Don't let her ruin your life because of some title she does not deserve. You worked way too hard and came too far to have to put up with this shit now. You do deserve something. And its right there, and you have the capabilities. You're an adult, you're almost 30, you see what you want in the distance? You evaluate how to get it, and you reach out and grab it.

    If they refuse to leave, call the cops.
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