I'm struggling even to write this because I get no time for myself what so ever. From the time I was born I was abused or neglect in some way. My biological father left my mom because she wouldn't abort me. When my mom remarried to an alcoholic and became one herself, she started to become abusive. And after my brother was born I became the whipping girl of the family. My brother was given everything and I was litterally given nothing. I had no friends and no life because I had to take care of the golden child while my parents were at the bar all the time. Even though I struggled in school I excelled at work for pure necessity since I was 13. I moved out at 16 with my boyfriend, graduated high school and went to Job Corp. Then the only man I knew as a father died. I never got any kind of support or acknowledgement because he wasn't my biological father. A flood destroyed all of my possessions so when I got out of Job Corp I had nothing. But my boyfriend (now husband) and I picked ourselves up and started a little life 10 years ago. I miscarried my first baby and no one came to support me. I have never had anyone but my husband. During that time my mom sold her house and over the course of three years she spent over $90,000 on her and my brother just having a good time. I applied for a PELL grant and after pulling teeth my mom signed it. I held a 4.0 for 3 semesters. When it came time to renew it, my mom refused to because she didn't go to college so why should I be able to? Now she's broke and can't hold down a job because she can't stand to be told what to do. She made my brother an alcoholic before he was 21 and their both homeless now. I had a baby 6 months ago and for the past 5 months they have lived with/off of me and my husband in a 2 bedroom apartment. They live in my baby's room. They have robbed me of my childhood, my adolescence, my education and now my life I worked sooo hard for. I worked from the bottom of the barrel to a managers position in the office field. I left to be a stay at home mom. But now I jsut sit all day with my baby and my mom mind fucking me. I feel like a failure as a mom becuase she constantly questions my decisions. I'm 29 years old and I live with my jobless, alcoholic mother. My husband may pay rent but she's still a major influence. I can't live here anymore. I never get time with my husband and she doesnt care that she's continuing to ruin my life. I can't kick her out and make her homeless. Even though I worked for as long as I did to plan and ahve a baby and be able to stay home and raise her. It didnt' work out. Now the only way to get away from my mother is to go back to work and put her in day care. Otherwise I willl continue to live under my mothers manipulation. Will this get better? Will I ever be happy? Will my husband stay with me? I wouldnt. I have no where to turn. We're down to one car so I can't just leave th house to get away. If there is a god, what did I do to deserve this? My life has been one tragedy after another. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Come December, if Mom doesnt get a job and continues to hang out on the couch and live off me then we can't move into a bigger place. I'm fucking suffocating! My husband and I can't have sex and everytime we have a moment together Mom comes around the corner. I'm so dead inside. I think about dying all day every day. I'm on antidepressants and I know I need a therapist but I'm afraid they'll take away my daughter if I'm honest with them. I hit myself, and I've cut myself. The only thing stopping me is my husband can't afford to bury me. And the fact that his dad killed himself. I make "cries for help" to my family all the time but they can't do anything for me. I even had my mom watch the last Dr. Phil episode about suicide and she came out in the living room because she was concerned for my brother. He climbed a rock a few months ago and fell. She thinks he's subconciously trying to kill himself. WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!!!! It's me who cuts and hits myself not my brother. It's me that cooks, cleans, and houses her. WHY COULDN'T SHE LOVE ME LIKE SHE LOVES HIM?!! Anyway that was a long tangent. I'm so tired anyway. Taking care of my daughter, cleaning and cooking and dealing with my crazy mom is pushing me to the edge. When do I get a break in life? I've never even left the state and I'm almost 30. I'm tired of being poor, broke down, tired, used and abused. I have no fear of dying. The only reason why I get out of bed in the morning is to take care of my daughter and thats it. I have one glimmer of hope. I entered an essay contest to win a house at the beach. I worked really hard on the essay even though its only 199 charectors long WITH spaces and I pray even though I don't believe in God, that my life may be leading up to this one break. I've never won anything in my life. I hope that my plea I submitted might win me this one chance at happiness. If not, I don't really know what will happen at that point. I might just die of heartbreak.