The ramblings of the depressed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mikde, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. mikde

    mikde New Member


    I've been struggling with depression for as long as i can remember and if i was to take a guess at when these feelings began i would say it started when i was around 6 or 7 when my parents divorced. I know its difficult to believe a child so young could feel this way but every memory prior to that is a a happy one by my recollection and family members have noted that my entire personality changed during that time. Following the divorce i struggled to find stability and friends as i was passed around and moved home 13 times in the space of 10 years. I always struggled socialising and making friends because as soon as i did we had to move house. I hated hearing kids at school tell stories of what they did with their family over the holidays and what not because i had nothing close to that. I was embarrassed by my life and would lie about my family life outside of school so i wasn't looked down on. I promised myself i would never allow my children to go through what i did....Then a year ago the love of my life and mother of my daughter left me. There was many reasons such as my job, i worked 12 hour night shift 6 days a week and was never able to spend quality time with my two girls. My girlfriend just did not love me anymore and she has made it clear we will never be back together. She is a strong person and wont go back on her word ever. Since the split i had a complete mental breakdown and lost my job aswell as drinking heavily and medicating. I am not allowed to see my daughter because my ex doesnt want toopen her up to my problems which i fully understand. I am still very much in love with my ex and did everything i could to fix this but it wasn't enough. I dont have any feelings to anyone else. My parents have always been despondent about my issues and refuse to talk about it and i have no friends. I sit alone every night doing what i can to hush the temptation to kill myself and any therapist or hotline i use has zero effect on me, they all say the same thing and i just feel like im talking to people who are just doing a job and could really care less about me.

    The thought of eventually seeing the love of my life move on with someone else terrifies me as i know that will be the final nail in the coffin and the only reason i'm still here is because that has yet to happen but some day it will. I have organised everything i need to for suicide (finances ect) and i know that sooner or later i will try. I'm not yhe type to do it on impulse and i'm very clear minded on this situation, I'm not fuelled by hate ange or any kind of feeling i just feel that i have reached the end point and there is nothing left inside to give. I am sorry for rambling i just needed to share my feelings with real people.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you moved a lot as a child. What about going to a different counsellor or doctor?
  3. mikde

    mikde New Member

    I have tried many different counsellors over the years and some were really nice, some where pretencious and hard to talk to but i never believed what they had to say, To me their advice always just seemed like a line out of a book rather than a real experience. Doctors just recommend drug after drug after drug and i believe medication is just a band aid. I understand why i feel like i do, i'm not in search of answers or to find out who i am, i know who i am and thats the problem
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about peer support groups in real life. What about trying a combination of counselling and medication.
  5. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Yeah is a mother****er,but with time you'll move on.You are start mellowing out as you get older,it's weird..brain chemicals I guess.I would suggest stop drinking like a hump..and do something positive like getting into really great shape.I find when I workout steadily it really combats depression.