The real me.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Stormhand, Nov 13, 2009.

  1. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    I for so long have been trying to find that person.

    When I started growing away from my parents, and find out I am not the weakling I thought I was.
    Some prt of my mom grew scared, she is a very pessimistic person, always declaring the absolute worst on everything, and being around someone liek that so long, had a toll on me.
    It affected my point of view, but somewhere down the line growing up I wanted to see better then that, not just see the worst in people, so I tried to trust other people, don't just judge them on how they look and appear.

    That helped me make alot of friends growing up, but some of those friends turned out to be very twisted on conceited.

    but here today as far as friends go i think I have found my true friends.

    I just wish I could get over this feeling that my disability puts this label on me, cause in so many ways it feels that my disability makes me who I am in alot of ways, which in reality it does.
    The feeling of not being as good as the next guy, in basic things in life.
    (that's putting it mildly)..confidence to name one

    Theres just so many things of myself I wish i could change, and i am not talking int he physical aspect.

    This just show how much all the occurances during a person's life, how much it can take a toll or improve your life.
    I feel liek I have had nothing but bad happenings in my own.
    I don't know if it is my own fault or bad luck.

    As to the characteristics of myself.
    I am supporting, loving, quiet, good listener and always try to keep my faith in others.

    Yet so many women in my life just dump me as if I am nothing.
    So I would love to know, what is it of me that is so horrible unacceptable.
    I can get over my parents, they was not there how I needed support, which was emotional support, I felt liek they was trying to buy me out, just spending money on me, cause that was one household that hardly had any comunication, aside from fighting and arguing.

    But I am glad that is all over now.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Reading your post I see something about you that you refuse to see. Strength!!! And confidence!! The strength and confidence to believe in yourself and follow your own beliefs. Not to continue to follow those of your parents. The strength and confidence in yourself to meet others at face value and not assume or label them at first glance. The strength and confidence to help and support others when you yourself are feeling overwhelmed with a lot of confusion. You were able to make many friends. So I would say others like being around you. They find something in you that draws them to you. You show strength and confidence in being able to post about the bad things in your life.

    And yes a person's disability is a part of who they really are. Some people try to hide their disability or use it as an excuse. But you seem to be able to carry on despite the disadvantages you may face because of your disability. Your disability can only label you if you allow it to. If you are able to look past what is on the outside of other people, then there are others that can do that as well. Dont give up on that.

    As for the women, where are you meeting them? Maybe try places where the women might share more of the same ideas and beliefs that you do. If you're talking about women you meet at bars and parties, they very rarely are looking for a long term relationship. So they are going to "dump" you. They are looking for "fun" not love. You will find someone that sees you for you and not just someone to hook up with for a while.

    You are a very confident and strong person. I think maybe you are just a little overwhelmed with things in your life right now to see that. Give yourself a break. When you do, others will too and you see what I and I'm sure others see about you.

    I'm glad all the turmoil of your home is over now too. It gives you the chance to keep moving forward and finding out more about just who you are. I think you are a pretty special individual because you can do for others what you want to one day be able to do for yourself. Be proud of yourself and keep seeing all the positive things that you are and are capable of.
  3. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    I have tried hard so long as I can remember to keep going. enduring everything by myself, has been the only choice I have had.
    My family was never there for the emotional support I needed.
    My dad and his entire side of the family not including my cousins, just did not know how to look at me (at least that's the impression I have always had) most on his side are glory hounds, which is why my brother got all the attention..he was the athlete/math ace.
    I have had to take harder avenues then anyone of them.
    And now many of those avenues are not available to me anymore, which is why I do not know which way to turn anymore.

    Its how I have always got treated cause of my seizures growing up, and by ppl I even worked with and for.
    At every job I have had in my life I always had a seizures on the job, and that got me looked at as a liability, which got me fired each time, and that attitude is what forced me to get SSI.

    I hate labling....

    Nope I never go to bars and even if I do drink, its always with friends.
    Everyone I wind up dating I meet through a friend.
    My interests you don't see alot of girls into...
    Everyone I wind up with seems to be looking for a fast relationship, and to get everythign they are wanting out of it.

    Each day I just wish things growing up could of went differently and that always gets me so damn pissed at my parents, my dad thought too much with his pride to the point he ddid not want me in a special hospital for treatment for my seizures, mom said screw it and took me herself..that and helping me with my SSI were the only times I can say my mom was really there for me.

    My dad I don't think wanted to handle alot of the responsibilities that came with being the dad, thats why he was always sitting in his tv room.

    Right now I just have no clue where to go, what to do with my life, school is just too expensive for me to handle alone.

    I can't get help for that from the government cause my seizures have not been active lately.

    Right now ALL I have is my friends I see each weekend, theres jutst times I wish I had more.

    This is why I used to not sleep cause with each day being the same almost i thought why should I bother, then that messed me up on my sleeping and it took me a couple years, but I got over that through meds and over time I took myself off the meds and just got to getting my sleep back on my own.

    Right now all I want is some damn love and attention, something my family could not give me.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Reading your post, I wonder if maybe your mom wanted to do more but may for some reasons you couldnt see been afraid to undermind your dad by taking you and offering more. I may be way off base and I'm sorry. But she did atleast help when it was really important so for that you can be thankful.

    My 14 year old son has epilepsy. So I see and know just how difficult it makes one's life. But you certainly do seem to be a fighter and have a good sense of your own self worth. So hold on tight to that.

    I'm sorry you're struggling so badly right now. And I know all too well how you feel about just wanting some true and real attention and love in your life. Cant offer you anything like that. But I am willing to be an ear to listen whenever you want to talk. Who knows I might even have some helpful advice (lol). So please when you feel like no one else is listening drop me a pm. Chalk me up on the friend side of your life :arms:
  5. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    You'd have to ask my mom what all went up there.
    But I know how my dad was, its like he did not want to deal with the problems that came with being a dad and husband to my mom.

    I mean he moved back to Canada 3 years after the divorce
    My family was not one that was emotionally open.

    As to my mom, I do love her for allt he help she has gave me, but if there is one thing about her, she ties too damn hard to help me on every little damn thing, like I can't do anything for myself..even NOW, I am 33.

    I wish she could see how that messes with my self confidence, if I tell her she would say "no it doesn't".

    I am just so damn glad that part of my life is all over.

    Its just hard for me now getting some sort of self worth with not being able to work.
  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry that I have no clever words or advice, it's just a sentence in your post that caught my attention: > Right now all I want is some damn love and attention, something my family could not give me. <
    This is also what I've been searching all my life, and still am, since I never got it from my parents either and although I have two kids who I love and they love me back, I can feel it, it's not the same, that wish is what makes me crazy sometimes. But I'm 47 and still haven't lost hope, except in those darkest hours, and days sometimes, but those days and hours pass, and I believe I will find it one day.
    I hope that you do too.
  7. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    Thanks morfea.

    I do sometimes have abit of luck there, but there is always a drawback, everyone I do always so damn far away.

    And on my income its hard for me to travel.