I feel like I am wasting my time being alive. All this time, and it was for nothing, everything that ever happened to me was for nothing and lead to nothing. I didn’t gain anything, and nothing has changed. Suicide seems closer and closer. I always knew that I would die by suicide. But it appears that it is closer now. It is sad, but there is no hope, all the damage has been done. I am 27 years old, have not finished college yet, don’t have a job, don’t have any friends and thus never really go out. When I do go out it is with my mom or by myself and it gets very lonely. I hate the way I look, I am ugly beyond your imagination. No girl has ever wanted to go out with me and I asked out a ton of girls before. Everyone always criticizes me, telling me “do this” “do that”, I am just a piece of shit. The two true friends that I had, one left me and the other was a fake. I never had a true, loving friendship, it never existed for me, I don't know what that is like or how it feels. Everywhere I turn, everything is a mockery, a tease of what I will never have or be. All I get are judgments from everyone believing bad things about me, judging me; the loser that I am. Every day is full of rage, contempt, jealousy, hatred. My body is covered in scars now. I’m on meds and they help some but not enough. I see a therapist but it is not enough, I exercise but it is not enough. The trauma and the constant social ostracizing that I have gone through to this very day, it takes a toll on me. The damage has been done and I am already built. I don’t care what happens tomorrow or next week or next month, I don’t have any wonder for the future. I sometimes fantasize of a life where I am the best possible me, with friends and a girlfriend but it is just a fantasy world and has been since I was a teenager, all a bunch of lies. Every single day people see and I see what a piece of shit I am, every single day I get rejected and ignored. The fact is I will die by suicide. The question was always when. I perhaps should have done it by now, because like I said, I am wasting time. I am afraid that this is it, my death will come soon.