the reality

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Auerbach, Mar 30, 2015.

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  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I feel like I am wasting my time being alive. All this time, and it was for nothing, everything that ever happened to me was for nothing and lead to nothing. I didn’t gain anything, and nothing has changed. Suicide seems closer and closer. I always knew that I would die by suicide. But it appears that it is closer now. It is sad, but there is no hope, all the damage has been done. I am 27 years old, have not finished college yet, don’t have a job, don’t have any friends and thus never really go out. When I do go out it is with my mom or by myself and it gets very lonely.

    I hate the way I look, I am ugly beyond your imagination. No girl has ever wanted to go out with me and I asked out a ton of girls before. Everyone always criticizes me, telling me “do this” “do that”, I am just a piece of shit. The two true friends that I had, one left me and the other was a fake. I never had a true, loving friendship, it never existed for me, I don't know what that is like or how it feels.

    Everywhere I turn, everything is a mockery, a tease of what I will never have or be. All I get are judgments from everyone believing bad things about me, judging me; the loser that I am. Every day is full of rage, contempt, jealousy, hatred. My body is covered in scars now. I’m on meds and they help some but not enough. I see a therapist but it is not enough, I exercise but it is not enough. The trauma and the constant social ostracizing that I have gone through to this very day, it takes a toll on me. The damage has been done and I am already built. I don’t care what happens tomorrow or next week or next month, I don’t have any wonder for the future. I sometimes fantasize of a life where I am the best possible me, with friends and a girlfriend but it is just a fantasy world and has been since I was a teenager, all a bunch of lies. Every single day people see and I see what a piece of shit I am, every single day I get rejected and ignored.

    The fact is I will die by suicide. The question was always when. I perhaps should have done it by now, because like I said, I am wasting time. I am afraid that this is it, my death will come soon.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that I've experienced a lot but not necessarily all of the same things that you are going through. I'm the freak of my neighborhood... well, at least in the eyes of my neighbors. It's a constant source of stress to feel like the people around me are often (but not always) my enemies.

    In general, this is not something that I blame myself for though. Rather, I see it as the product of a really dysfunctional society that does this to people, that really seems to need to create a victimized underclass to sustain itself.

    I also realize that there are good people and good things in the world. I've still got problems, but I've managed to make progress on making my life a little better. I feel like if I keep working on it, I can maybe make my own life better and also help to change the way the world works for the better so that other people don't have to go through the same things.

    The link in my sig has some info that may be helpful to you. Hope that things can get better soon!
  3. I fear that mine will, as well. But, whether I die by suicide or not, I want to do one last thing before I do, I want to let you know that you are NOT alone in how you feel. That might not make you feel better, but it is true. I also feel this way, as well. I had severe abuse ll my life (and I am 39 years old, now), and feel as though I never will financially amount to anything, too. If part of why you want to do suicide is cus you feel you are alone in feelig this way and for why you are feeling this way, you than maybe my words can help you to not commit suicide. I, however, am not wanting support for knowing that I am not alone in how I feel ... I already know that I am not alone in how I feel. I just am waaaayy to tired of trying, anymore. Please keep your chin up and know that you possibly might have better chances later in life. For me, that isn't the case cus of too many setbacks beyond my control that even lobbying to fight for change of my situation didn't help. So... well, not sure where that will go on if I do decide to live still. and not sure if I will live or not, at this point. But, I wanted you to know I understand and that there are other people out there who also know what you are going through and who go through it, too.
  4. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks linux and may71, I appreciate your words and support.
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