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The reason why I'm so deeply depressed. I lost someone to suicide. TW

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jun 12, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    This has nothing to do with abuse or anything I went through, lets say someone came apart of my life, he cared for me, told me he loved me and than just like that he was gone. We built up a powerful friendship. One night as i was at his house and sitting around the bomb fire and I had one beer and once it got to two beers I came out and told him things. As I was looking at his face I could see the fire and hear the popping noises and he looked at me sadly, than he came over and sat over by me, held my hand and I rested my head on his shoulder and cried. He held me and told me to get it all out. I told him about my father sexually abusing me and how I was in an abusive relationship. He suffered with severe depression and suffered with suicidal thoughts daily and so did I, I never went through with it though. I keep going on no matter how hard life gets. As time went on I believe his depression got worse and he brought up about his ex girlfriend breaking up with him because his depression got so bad that she couldn't even handle it anymore and got tired of his sadness. She even cheated on him and admitted to it. This depressed him and his parents were divorced based on his father cheating on his mother. He still had a lot of trust though and he trusted his girlfriend more than anything. He loved her more than anything and I knew of this. I was happy for both of them, I never once tried to end their relationship once. I was already going through my own problems, all I wanted was a friend. When his depression got worse, I asked him why and he told me because a lot of his friends were abandoning him and not talking to him as much. His mother had to work a lot and he looked after his 16 year old brother and I used to wait for his brother at the bus stop together with him because his little brother got picked on a lot. So we waited at the bus stop to make sure nothing would happen to him. I didn't want nothing happening to his little brother and neither did he. Once his little brother got off the bus he got into the car and stated out loud once, "She's awesome! She's so caring and nice. Actually comes to the bus stop with you to make sure your little brother doesn't get hurt. Wow bro. I like her!"

    As his little brother said those words I kept thinking of stupid things I did in my past and how once I cheated on my ex because I got hurt and didn't trust anyone after being cheated on by so many different guys. I just got fed up with it. Than I ended up hurting someone I loved and ruined the entire relationship all over doing something stupid. Finally I told my friend who's name is Jordan by the way all about it and I cried as I admitted this openly to him. He told me that it didn't matter and that I should forgive myself and how he trusts me even more that I openly told him about it. I still remember him saying, "That took a lot of guts for you to say to me. Your really brave. Of course I don't think different of you. In fact I respect you more and trust you more now than ever." Again he hugged me and I felt better. Pretty soon I noticed my friends drifting away and now I knew it was up to me to do anything I could to try to cheer him up. I hugged him. Told him not to give up and that I won't give up on him no matter what. I didn't care how sad he got, I still hung out with him. There were times I saw him breaking down crying and sobbing and telling me how he's so sick and tired of the sadness. Other times he told me he wish he was in a coma and telling me how he wished he could be asleep forever. I knew all about the warning signs and I told his brother and mother one day. He went to the hospital and he got out and seemed sad still. I could tell he seemed a little better though. In the end I found out how his father hardly ever was his life, nor his brother. He basically cheated on his mother and hit the road and kept sending over child support checks. I've tried talking to his friends once again after not speaking to them for awhile out of respect for my friend because he said they all hurt him. My intentions were just to try to help him and all his old friends told me, "Man he's a sad sack man. You two are like two pea's in a pod and that's just freaking sad!!" They laughed at me and made fun of me, which reminded me why I stopped speaking to them too. Once they said that, everything reminded me once again that they would never ever change. No matter what. Jordan ended up finding out somehow, I have no idea how he found out and again he was crying on the back porch. Than finally he told me, "I love you. Your like the only person who loves me or cares about me. I trust you and nobody else." I reminded him of his little brother and mother and he thanked me for reminding him and finally he kissed me for the very first time. We were together for almost the entire month of November of 2015 and on the 28th he ended his life.

    Before that happened one night I told him how there was something wrong with me which there was, I found out in December of 2015 that I had precancer on my cervix stage 3. On the day I told him and was sobbing on his bed, he just cuddled with me and said, "No matter what happens I'll be here for you okay." When he ended his life he told me not to blame myself and that he loves me and how I'm the best girl he's ever met in his life......that he just hates life and he hates being in pain and for me not to be angry at him. Since he's been gone. I've been depressed and my PTSD symptoms are much worse now. I'm so sensitive and I'm always sad and crying. I really miss him. I really do. I've been bottling this in for so long now and I never wanted to post about this because I was afraid of triggering someone or this thread getting deleted. His little brother is depressed as well and I'm deathly worried his little brother will do something next and his mother told me not to worry about it and that she always sends him to his grandparents or over with his cousins so he's never alone. This reliefs my worries a lot. As I put up below, I don't want nothing happening to his little brother. I even promised his little brother if he ever needs me that I'll be there for him. I've never broken my promise. I told him if I feel too sad though, I'll let him know and he understands.

    Man I miss him so much....I'm so tired of this sadness..... if you don't know what to say I understand. I just needed to get this out.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for your loss.
    I lost a close family friend nearly 5 years ago to suicide. I found that talking about it really helped when I was finally able to open up.

    I am so glad that you are letting some of your feelings out. His death will have changed your life, but it does get better, it really does. I am here if you want to talk.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry that you hurting so much. You have been through a lot and it's totally understandable why you are down. Please don't think you causing anyone hurt but you Justin's letting your pain out.

    If you want to talk, please PM me and we will talk in private. Keep posting as I promise to pull and support as much as I can. You know we really care about YOU. I know you hurting but please be safe.
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