My english isn't so great but i hope you will understand. Here is my story like everyone else. Im a 18 year old boy. I have many friends. Many girls likes me. Everyone thinks im happy and living a good life. In other words, on the social plan i cant complain. :blink: But lately I have choosen the anti-social path. I say no too everything and wont go out. Only if I HAVE too. My problem is that im thinking about suicuide every fuckings day. Why? Well because i want to PUNISH myself. About 6 years ago i was a very talented fotball player. Everyone saw it and told me. "Ahh kid, you are damn good, you are going to be pro someday". My fotball coach, parents of my friends said it all the time. Players from other teams came too my fotball matches just to see me play. I was fast, technical and could read the play very good. :unsure: I was just 12. AND WHAT DID I DO? Haha. I got hooked up on a computer game. My family had bought a new pc and all I did was to sit home and play. I stopped going too fotball practise. My mom got upset and yelled at me every day. She said if i threw away my talent i would regret it and it would haunt me. Damn she had right! :cry: My coach called me all the time and my friends begged me to start playing again. I was dumb and blew them all of. I had several fights with my parents. They really believed in me and knew if I contiuned I could maybe play for a big team in a other country. No economic problems and just be doing the think i loved the most. But no. I was a FUCKINS stupid 12 year old boy who thought he knew everything. And now, recently. Two boys i knew and played with have been bought up by to big teams in England. When i got that news i cried and took my car and drove to a bridge near by. I cried because when we were playing I was more talented than they. really they couldnt do anything. But unlike me, the stayed and improved! FUCK! I was so close to just jump and drown myself. But i was to afraid of the pain. If i find out a way to kill myself without much pain i will do it right away. Im so fucking dumb. Im not supposed to go to a very hard school. Im not good in school, even if i try very hard. Im not the dumbest in class, i have normal grades, (i fail in MATH though)but i know i must live a hard life with economical problems and get a normal job and earn maybe 40 000 dollars a year. Im getting depressed for every fuckings day and im starting to give a fuck in homework. When i think about, i could have earned this in a month or two if i only contiuned with my talent. FUCK im so angry right know. I want to cut myself but im afraid someone will see it. You know, everyone thinks im happy. I feel that I have failed my family and everyone who believed in me. When i see my old coach in the store I hide. BECAUSE I FEEL SO DUMB THAT I LET A FUCKIN PC RUINED MY LIFe. Im soo week, i dont deserve to live. Why didnt I just stay and play? Then at least i could have a reason of not doing so well in school. I know it, im not going to have a happy life. Sometimes when im driving on the highway i just want to slam the car in the wall when doing 100 km/t. :blub: WHY DID I QUIT?????????? I CANT BELIEVE IT. THis chance just appear once in a life. I dont believe in a after life. I believe that i will live again, as an other person. Maybe in Africa and die of hunger. Or in a war zone. Who knows where i will be born. The fact is I was born with a talent. And i threw it away like a pice of garbage. I could have used it and lived the best life. I could have supported my family and gived them all the things they had dreamed about. We dont have much money, and when they were young they lived very poorly. I had little harsh kid life, because we didnt have so much money. I see now, that maybe my destiny was too life a hard life as a kid, and as a adult i could play top fotball and money wouldnt be a problem. its not about the money really, its about doing something you are good at and show others. Ahh.. i cant write anymore i just want to sleep. I have let my family down and i feel guilty. I dont deserve to live. MY LIFE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!! ARGh. i want to kill myself but im a coward. Can anoyne PM me of methods which may not be so painfull? I have thought of drinking fuckin much alcohol, get wasted so i cant feel a thing and drown myself. Sorry if this post was to long, its my first post here, i just registred. But i had to let it out. I know my english is bad, but its not my strongest subject.