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the reason why

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by swimmergirl, Feb 11, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    My father raped and tortured me for 8 long years. I am just starting to deal with my feelings about this. I hate myself so much because of what happened to me even though I was not to blame. I think it destroyed me in many ways, in ways that make me worthless and unlovable and that is why I want to die so badly. I don't seem to have any hope that it is possible to heal from such abuse. It is possible to survive, but I don't think it is possible to heal such an injury. I hope someone can prove me wrong.
  2. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member


    I can relate, I was abused as well. I also feel worthless and unlovable, even though like you said, I understand it was not my fault. In my head I can say this, but I don't really believe it. I even ask those around me who say that they love - "how can you love me?" I am an empty shell of a person, robbed of so many things because of the abuses. I am not a whole person, I am fragmented and i don't know how I keep myself together.

    Survival - yes, we know how to do that. We've done it for so long. But healing??? I can say that through some intense theapy, I have healed parts of me. Will I ever be really and truly healed? Can i become a person who loves life and is full of joy? I do not know. Most days, it seems the answer is no. But there are some days, I see small rays of light that are trying to make their way into my soul and help me heal.

    I understand the wish to die, to get away from all the pain and lingering memories and such.

    I read or hear about others "healing" from abuse. But from those people that I know personally, no one is really healed. We all just deal and manage the best we can.

    Is there anyone out there who can say that they've really healed from abuse?
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing. I am so scared that the nightmares, the anxiety I have around men, the shame, and my own self loathing are not getting any better despite therapy and I don't know what to do. I feel tormented by the stuff I remember, I just want to turn it off and get away from it. I really don't know how I was able to survive so well as a kid, I must have been stronger then. i wish I was that strong now, that fierce determination that kept me alive is gone now because the immediate threat is gone. Now instead of my father trying to kill me, I am self destructing on my own. When will it end? I just want some relief, I just want to be able to sleep without thinking of him. Simply close my eyes and not see his face, or remember what it felt like to have his hands on my body, or any of the million other things that I keep reliving. I just need a break, it is too much for me. I can't take it anymore. I won't live in this constant state of terror, it is killing me anyways, it is like a slow death, so why not just speed up the process, why drag it out?
  4. shadow44

    shadow44 Member


    I'm so sorry for what you are going through and for what happened. You are not worthless or unlovable. You are a strong beautiful person. That strength is still in you. Let yourself have time to heal. Healing is painful. The fact that you are hurting means you are on your way. I can't tell you when it will end or if it will, but i know it can get better. Although I aven't healed yet, I have met people who have. It happens. It will never go away, but somehow people seem to find a way to go for longer and longer without pain. I wish I had the answers; I wish i could take away your pain. What happened was wrong and it was not your fault, I hope you know that. The nightmares and anxiety and reliving are all normal. You have been through something your body doesn't know how to process. I'm sorry it feels like it isn't going away. I agree that no one ever really gets rid of or completely heals from abuse, but people can move forward and use this to help others and live good lives in spite of abuse. Again, I wish I could tell you how, but the truth is that I don't know how myself, I'm still at the beginning of healing. All I can say is that you aren't alone, you can do this, and if you ever need to talk pm me or something.

    sending you hugs and support, if that's alright

  5. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I agree totally with shadow44. :agreed:

    swimmergirl, you are still strong and fighting or you wouldn't be here posting on this forum. It seems that you have alot of strength. It's hard to move thru it, but there is something inside of you that is still willing to fight for your life.

    shadow44, if i can ask, what has helped you? I think that what you said was beautifully written and you sound very wise.

    -annie :blink::unsure::blink:
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    on behalf of men, i am sorry for what happened to your lives. But i know that everything happens for a reason.
  7. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    What kind of crap is that? If you don't have anything to say thats supportive then keep your opinion to yourself.
  8. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I don't think rape and abuse can be put in the category "everything happens for a reason". There is no excuse for rape and abuse.
  9. Alice Denny

    Alice Denny New Member

    I am so sorry to hear your story.... .
    Thankfully that has never happned to me so i cant imagine what is going on in your mind.
    All i know is that you certinly have a reason to live.
    Please believe me, I really hope you will tell me how you are doing in the future.......
  10. Alice Denny

    Alice Denny New Member

    I agree, there is no excuse for something as disgusting and immoral as rape.
    Anyone who is trying to convince themselves that some man up in the sky is saying that the people who have been abused deserved it is in my book, quite frankley, insane!
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I just want you to know that I used to have a very good friend who went through some horrific things, and she dealt with it and has come out the other side. She is not haunted by it anymore, she has a boyfriend, a job she loves, and most importantly, her life. It CAN be done, but you REALLY have to fight for it. I hope you do keep fighting.

    I too agree that there is no excuse for such horrific things to happen to people, however, maybe one day there might come a time when the horrific things someone went through can be put to good use, for example, if a child of yours is abused, and you can relate on a very close level to them, or maybe, if you like helping people, you could become a supprt worker, or therapist, or someone, who helps people deal with the horrific abuse they have gone through. It would not be an excuse, or even a reason, but it could mean all the crap you went through might be channeled to something good. I don't think I explained it well, but think like some people say they were glad they were bullied because it made them stronger. Sort of like that, but a bit different. :| Ok, so I think I stuffed that up, but I know what I mean, even if no one else does.
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    What he did was despicable like many other kind and helpful people in this thread said.

    I was wondering, if you see a therapist? They might help manage the flashbacks you're going through? :hug:

    Will you ever heal 100&? I don't know. People respond to things differently but there are ways of making your life less hellish, and it sounds like pure hell right now.

    Although you might feel unlovable because of what he did to you, you're not, you're not unlovable you're just suffering so badly and I can relate- my self destruction was my eating disorder and I didn't know how much that was linked to internalising my father until a couple of years ago when I was near death.

    Have you tried to get all these feeling of bodily attack and wishing to die out rather than having all these feelings attack you inside? I know you want to die, but why not wish him dead instead- what he did was abhorrent, you aren't to blame? I was wondering if you feel any anger at all? You're scared, I can hear that but you're in control now, he's not doing this anymore, although you feel out of control. I found tapping into anger helpful in healing and helping create a skin/protection which made any feelings of bodily attack more bearable as I'm just throwing everything out rather than inward. You could try screaming, punching things, imagining it's him, I don't know. Just anything gestural helps me personally but that's just me. A therapist that listens and validates you (validation is so important) can help build up that skin/ways of protecting and healing yourself too. Like anne said you know how to survive, it's how to live I suppose? And you're finding life hell, which I can completely understand :hug:

    sudut your reply was unhelpful as many people have already pointed out. if i heard such things when i disclosed such atrocities/shame/terror, i'd have OD'd or my eating would have spiralled out of control if i was at a vulnerable stage as swimmergirl is so obviously in.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2009
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I know you mean well but she's no way at this stage yet, and nobody should feel obligated to help others if they've been abused, because that help can stem from guilt stemming from abuse, and yes, some people might say abuse makes them stronger (maybe to not show that they are 'weak' maybe, again because of shame something very linked to abuse and trauma), while a lot , a lot suffer silently and do eventually die. I know you mean well but I just wanted to reply to you :hug: Thanks for sharing.
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Oh no, that's not what I'm saying. The first bit was to the OP, because she wanted to know if anyone has got through it, and I was telling her someone I know has, and she really, truly has, but, the second bit was not in response to the OP, but to whoever brought up 'things happening for a reason'. I didn't divide them well though. I was also never gave any indication that ANYONE should fele obligated to help others :| No where. I think you missed my point, but that wasn't your fault, that was my wording, but I did make that clear when I posted, because I couldn't word what I was trying to say.
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    It's ok. Things get misread on the net. I understand. Thanks for your thoughts and clearing that all up, maybe it was just how I read it.
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I don't think it was the way you read it. I could formulate what I was trying to say ijn my head, but it wasn't coming out in written form. It's been happening a lot.

    To the OP, sorry if you misunderstood too, it was in no way meant offensively, or meant you to feel pressure or anything. Just know that if you keep fighting, with the right help you can and will get through this. Your abuser does not deserve to win, and every day you fight, you win a little more. We will help you in any way you need. Look after yourself x
  17. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I was equally offended when I first read the post that "everything happens for a reason". I could be wrong, but I don't think the person who posted it meant it in a harmful way. After thinking about it some more, I do think things happen in life and we can find meaning in them. What happened to me has made me who i am, in positive and negative ways. I think the fact that I survived has meaning and the ways in which I have chosen to use my experience to help others is all about that notion "everything happens for a reason". It's all how you look at it.

    The simple truth is no one should be raped or abused, it should NOT happen for ANY reason. But the fact is, it does happen, to lots of people. You can deny what happened, or remain a victim, or take your power back and reclaim your life. That journey provides, at least for me, one possible avenue for seeing the wisdom in the statement "everything happens for a reason", but it is dependent on me learning from the experience and creating my own meaning.
  18. lonely_child

    lonely_child Member

    Swimmergirl pm me, we can talk about it, I can make you feel better.
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Can I just say that this is so amazing and so strong. I completely hear that you don't always feel that way, but the inner strength is inside you. You are hugely strong to have come through so much, and to also have that perspective on it too. Hopefully by taking baby steps, and coping moment to moment you will find yourself in a better place. We are here if you need us.

  20. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for being so supportive and sharing so much. I don't feel so alone knowing that others out there understand. It is still very hard, but you all give me hope.
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